*nods* Yeah, I know what he was trying to say, it’s just that like you, I don’t agree with it. I think that even if specific expenses are shared, that doesn’t necessarily mean that entire finances are shared.

Here’s another thought: Romantic partners trust each other not to be unfaithful. Once they’ve established boundaries for their relationship (which usually, but not always, include the idea that hooking up with other people outside the relationship is not OK), they trust each other to go about their lives without violating those boundaries. I think most of us would agree that if one partner in the relationship demanded that the other account for his whereabouts at all times to prove he wasn’t cheating, that would be evidence of a problem in the relationship (whether the suspicious partner is right to be suspicious or not).

So why can’t the situation be the same with money? You establish some very basic guidelines (how to divide and pay shared expenses, whether and how to save together for shared goals), and then you trust each other to operate within those guidelines, without having to constantly prove that you’re doing so.

But some of the rest of your thoughts don’t flow.

“The debts and expenses of your partner are also your debts and expenses. If you owe a debt and have to make a monthly debt payment, that takes money out of the shared pool that you both have with which to cover your monthly expenses.”

First, that assumes that the couple DO decide to ‘pool’ money, instead of maintaining separate finances and splitting different bills. Which is common enough that I wouldn’t nitpick about it, except than the same section goes on to say “Let’s say you’re out and about on the town. You tell yourself that your partner is going to be able to cover the rent this month, so you convince yourself it’s okay to spend some money. Because you spent that money, you’ve eliminated your ability to help pay the rent.”

THAT does not describe pooled money, that describes separate finances, with each part of the couple contributing individually to certain expenses (or in this case, not contributing)

“Whether you like it or not, if you’re in a relationship, your finances are shared, whether in actual practice or not.”

Not really, not anymore than roommate’s finances are ‘shared’. I think there have been enough examples given where that’s not the case in previous posts on this subject that your continuous assertion that it’s reality is just problematic.

Communication is a good first step. But unless you then come to an agreement on your strategies, then you’ve got a lot more steps ahead of you. Steps like each experimenting (temporarily) with things the other prefers. Figuring out ways to both get what you want, either at the same time (by, say, splitting up your money) or cyclically (one after the other). Finding ways to humor each other (you don’t admit they have a point, but you let them do what they want anyway).

And just plain dealing with irrationality. If one person irrationally gets bent out of shape seeing a big pile of savings that they’re not allowed to spend, I can see secret savings–they could even agree that there will be savings but that the irrational person will not be told where it is so they can’t torture themselves by continually checking on the balance. Note that the irrationality could be on the other side, too–any purchases over a certain dollar amount may freak out one person, so maybe the other person makes sure there’s enough money and buys those things using cash or a separate credit card so the other person doesn’t have to see that big, scary number.

I’ve never been in a relationship that’s even gotten close to the point of sharing living quarters or sharing finances, but it seems to me that financial privacy isn’t any more antithetical to a romantic relationship than it is to a roommate relationship. Whether that’s a little privacy (each person gets $50 a month to spend as they please, no questions asked) or a lot of privacy (as long as you can pay your share of the rent and the electric bill, nothing else is your partner’s business) depends on the couple.