And what I’m talking about above isn’t if something horrible happens to my partner, but rather if they quit taking care of themselves, or their personality changes to the point where we no longer have anything in common. In that case, then yes, I don’t see a reason to continue to be with that person. I never said that I’d abandon the relationship if some my girlfriend was injured, or experienced some type of debilitating disease.

Is it really so horrible that a guy (me) who takes care of himself physically, and who prides himself in his appearance also expect the same in a partner? I don’t think it is. I happen to think I’m a relatively attractive person, and I want to be with a relatively attractive partner. I’m not sure what the problem with that is. And I’m also an active person, who likes to be outdoors engaged in activities that require strength and endurance. I’m not going to be rock climbing in Yosemite with a girlfriend who is out of shape and overweight. So, explain to me why I should want to be with someone who can’t keep up.

But those are only two aspects of what I’m looking for in a partner, and if you want to judge me because I haven’t written a laundry list of character traits that I look for in a partner, that’s quite okay with me. But I’d caution you not to rush to judgement about a person based on what you read in the comments of a blog. You’re only getting a one-dimensional view of that person. Had this been a conversation about intelligence, or kindness, or compassion, the conversation would have been starkly different.

“I want to be with an attractive partner, who not only looks good, but is physically fit. I’m an active person (rock climbing, mountain climbing, runner, cyclist) and I want to be with someone who can keep up. I want to be with an attractive partner, who not only looks good, but is physically fit. I’m an active person (rock climbing, mountain climbing, runner, cyclist) and I want to be with someone who can keep up. . . . That’s an issue for me. . . You want someone to climb the mountains with you, but they can’t. You want someone to run a marathon with you, but they can’t. THAT aspect of the relationship will hurt things more than physical appearance. Sure, I want a girlfriend who looks like a model, so shoot me, but I also want one who can keep up with me and my lifestyle. It doesn’t make sense for me to be with someone who can’t. . .”

Did you mention intelligence in your partner? Did you mention kindness and compassion? You mentioned looks like a model and keeps up with you. So, yeah, IMHO you’re pretty shallow, and from what I read, if something happened to your model girlfriend to make her unattractive and unable to keep up physically, you’d find someone else who meets your standards (“It doesn’t make sense for me to be with someone who can’t. . .”). From what I read in your responses, I see no commitment to someone if they eventually do not or cannot meet your high standards. On the other hand, if you find a person exactly like you and something happens to your attractiveness or physical ability, I guess you’d know where you stand.

Re: Medical “science” and “knowledge.” Most studies involving diet are 1) association studies, not cause-and-effect and 2) based on what people say they eat. Or what they think they remember they ate. Or what they think you want to hear. Or what they think they should say. Not what you call particularly reliable studies to base medical judgments on.

Not exercising may not be “laziness.” Many cancers, autoimmune diseases and other long-term illnesses first manifest in fatigue, which is often very subtle. It isn’t the same thing as “letting yourself go.”

I was the same BMI as your husband when I was his age.

BUT, now that I’m older (about a decade) my BMI is 33.

Keep in mind I was _never_ heavy as a child or young adult – only started gaining weight in my late 20s.

I am starting to have some joint/muscle issues with all this excess weight, which has limited my mobility.

Please show him this reply and remind him it is far easier to lose weight and keep it off at his age and BMI than at mine.

I agree with the other posters who say cut out refined carbs and boost protein (for satiety).

I have radically changed my diet but even still it will be awhile before I can drop back below a BMI of 30.

@Jonathan: Thank you. I do have high expectations in a partner, but I also have equally high expectations for myself. I’m very open with my expectations for every aspect of my life with my girlfriend, and there aren’t any secrets.

I think it’s like anything else, really. Certain personalities are drawn to each other. And sometimes people change (could be that both partners were originally lazy, and that worked for them until one decided to get active, and now their partner no longer “works” for the direction they want their life to progress.) If the change reaches a point where it is hurting the relationship, or the person is no longer happy being with that person, why should they stay? I know that sounds really harsh, and goes against a lot of people’s “til death” beliefs with marriage, but I don’t believe people should be unsatisfied with their life just because they decided to get married.

Divorce is justified in so many other instances, why not in situations where the people just don’t “work” together? If their personalities diverge. If what originally brought them together no longer exists? Is marriage reason enough to stay together even if you’re unhappy?

In my opinion, it’s not. Of course, people will disagree. But, I just think life is too short to be unhappy. And you shouldn’t have to force a person to change into what you want them to be. Either they are, or they aren’t. They want to be, or they don’t. If they aren’t willing to make a change, should you just accept that? I guess it’s up to the individual…

I’ll jump in and say that I can’t see any issue with the preferences for a partner that you’ve described. You clearly know what you’re looking for and are prepared to take action if/when your current partner changes in a way that no longer fits that idea.

Of course if your partner is not aware of your views then a problem could arise. Someone might consider it unfair that they weren’t told that they had to remain fit and active their entire life in order to stay with you. From what you’ve said here, however, it seems unlikely that this would happen. I suspect that your expectations for a partner are pretty clear.

If I’m going to take care of myself, stay active and fit, and just generally care about my appearance, yes, I’d like to be with someone who does the same. It’s not about whether or not their body changes, of course it will. But to believe that just because someone gets older, their bodies fall apart is just rubbish (and I know you didn’t say that, but I do feel it’s somewhat implied.)

If one person in a relationship takes care of themselves, and the other doesn’t…well, they write to Trent for answers. Clearly it’s an issue. And it’d be an issue for me as well. At least I’m being honest.

As someone who’s spent more time in school than the average medical doctor, I can tell you that there’s nothing magical about education that makes you immune to the prejudices that affect everybody else.

It could be depression, it could be passive aggression, it could be he’s letting it all hang out. I wish more people would make an effort to stay attractive for their partners instead of pretending it doesn’t matter or that it’s a character defect to care what your partner looks like after the rings are exchanged.

If, with no obvious trauma or illness, you stopped caring if your partner was physically attracted to you, isn’t that a sign that something is wrong? Is it really something that is expected to die in a relationship?

We, of course, have the Internet and Wikipedia. So maybe you’re right, maybe they could learn a lot from us.

BMI isn’t perfect. It doesn’t work for pro wrestlers. We know this. But guess what? Doctors know this too. When a 220-pound, 6-foot-5 built-like-a-tank pro wrestler goes to the doctor and clearly has almost no bodyfat, the doctor is NOT going to just run the numbers and say, “Gee, your BMI shows you as overweight. I’m recommending a diet.” Doctors aren’t idiots.

He may be lying to himself, though, too, not just to his spouse. He may think he wants to change his habits, because he’s been told over and over again that that’s what he *should* want, but deep down it’s just not a priority for him, and so it’s never going to actually happen. I’d put at least as much blame on all the people who beat him over the head with the idea that “not wanting to lose weight” is not an option, as I’d put on him for lying.