Comments on: Reader Mailbag: Hand in Glove

By: Hogan

Hogan — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 04:41:17 +0000

Q5–Terrible convoluted advice Trent. You basically advised them to commit fraud by hiding assets through gifts and obfuscation. You can give money away as long as you don’t then dump grandmas bill on the taxpayers. The rules change a lot but if give away money within 5 years of going into a nursing home and go on medicaid the government will take all those gifts back. Believe me they will find the money. Finally, the tone of the question tells me they think they are the only ones who work hard and save so that justifies them dumping a potentially 200k to 300k bill on the taxpayers.

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:55:21 +0000

My husband and I have taken the inexpensive route when furnishing our home. The only brand new piece of furniture in our house is our box spring and mattress. His dad made the bedroom set for our wedding, and several items were things he brought when he moved out: guest bed, computer desks & chairs, recliner I’ve brought several family pieces in as well: a fainting couch, dining room table/chairs, and twin guest bed. Other items have been purchased at garage sales for very low cost. We probably have only spent about $1500 and most of that was our bed! Surprisingly, our house does not look haphazard at all and is very elegant looking.

Q10: When we travel by car, we take the time to talk to each other without any other distractions. I don’t think couples talk to each other enough anymore with all the activities and distractions available these days.

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:55:05 +0000

My husband and I have taken the inexpensive route when furnishing our home. The only brand new piece of furnature in our house is our box spring and matteress. His dad made the bedroom set for our wedding, and several items were things he brought when he moved out: guest bed, computer desks & chairs, recliner I’ve brought several family pieces in as well: a fainting couch, dining room table/chairs, and twin guest bed. Other items have been purchased at garage sales for very low cost. We probably have only spent about $1500 and most of that was our bed! Surprisingly, our house does not look haphazard at all and is very elegant looking.

By: KTHunter

KTHunter — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:14:29 +0000

Q10: Well, you could always make up a playlist on an MP3 player with equal amounts of music from both sides (leaving out any songs that make the other one absolutely climb the walls of the car) and put it on random. That way, if someone is listening to something not-their-favorite, it won’t be that way for long. I can usually tolerate 3 – 6 minutes of something I’m not fond of, as long as it’s not something I absolutely hate.

Be flexible. You might learn to like some music you didn’t know you liked before!

Also, when my husband drives, I usually read to him for a while from a book we both want to read. We read the entire Harry Potter series this way over several months during our commutes and travel. This makes for a nice break and actually creates some conversation as we stop and make an editorial comment on the bit just read.

By: SLCCOM

SLCCOM — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:20:16 +0000

#7 sounds like she might be dealing with depression. Perhaps a check-in with your doctor might be helpful.

By: gail

gail — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:55:45 +0000

To all the people who feel they MUST have an office gift exchange….please do NOT make things uncomfortable for those who do not want to participate. Out of all my coworkers over the years, I have found about a handful who actually enjoy it. But no one wants to stand up to the office bully who always encourages these things. Seriously, in this economy, you have no idea how much $20 means to someone’s budget.

By: David

David — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:33:40 +0000

One could go further. If you don’t want to do X or Y, but feel some obligation to do both X and Y, schedule X and Y for the same time. Then: tell those who want you to do X the truth that you have to do Y; tell those who want you to do Y the truth that you have to do X; do neither; and instead sleep the sleep of the just (or go down the pub, according to taste).

By: Johanna

Johanna — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:19:02 +0000

@Jackowick: “And I’ll be the one who will throw it out there; lie and say you’re job hunting and less available. I’ll be the bad guy.”

My take is that if it would help for you to say “I can’t do XYZ for/with you because I have other plans,” then you should actually go ahead and make other plans – schedule some chore or errand during that time – so that you’re telling the truth. Not because I think the occasional white lie makes you a “bad guy,” but more because most people are worse at lying than they think they are, and the other person will probably catch on sooner or later that you’re lying to them, and is that really something you want to happen?

By: Donna

Donna — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:49:02 +0000

Q5 Regarding long term care and finances. What most people who are unfamiliar with the process don’t understand, is that there is a 5 year look back period for Medicaid. In other words, a person cannot gift away their assets within 5 years of applying for Medicaid. AND after a person’s death, if a person has had their care paid for by Medicaid, the state can go after any remaining assets to try to recoup the money it has spent. There are also maximum income levels which vary by state. If a person has more than a couple of thousand dollars a month in income from all sources, including social security, etc., they will not qualify for Medicaid. Yes, there are people who take advantage of the system, but there are an awful lot of people who don’t. My mother, for example, has a very small retirement/survivor annuity from when my dad passed away, and her social security. Added together, those add up to just enough so she can’t qualify for Medicaid. She was very frugal when my dad died and invested the small insurance payout wisely. She did well with it and now every month I pay her $5500 per month nursing home care from HER OWN investments. I am very grateful that she saved this money and in my mind it is hers and for her care. I never expect to inherit any of it, nor do I want to. She saved it, so it is hers. If she outlives it, she cannot qualify for Medicaid, so she is between the proverbial rock and hard place. The very sad part is that she consumes no state services, but the state taxes her investment income that I have to take out of her accounts to pay her nursing home bills. None of her medical expenses are exempt from state taxes as they are from federal. My point here is that many honest people out there are trying to pay their own way. It is sad that this country doesn’t provide more for the citizens who contributed to making this country great by working hard and paying their taxes. Many elders are in nursing homes as a result of the long term effects of fighting wars.

By: Jackowick

Jackowick — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:46:04 +0000

Q2 @Johanna I absolutely agree that this is a culture clash. We often use those words as a “bad” thing, but for some people, you would do anything at the drop of a hat for a neighbor, while for others, it’s about complete respect for privacy and time. When I grew up, I had some friends who called me first to ask if I wanted to come over, and some who just left the door open, literally, for me to walk in whenever I wanted.

The important thing is to set those boundaries. As a single person with no kids, I find that many people assume I can do things at the drop of a hat and that I must have “zero” obligations and “loads” of free time. When a married friend asks me at 8 PM if I want to go hang out at a bar on a weeknight, I’m grateful for the invitation but often decline. So in the case of the neighbor dropping/dumping the babysitting on you, that’s what it is; babysitting. You can’t go using powertools on the roof or paint a room if you have a 30 minute notice that a kid is coming over.

Go with the 24 hour rule. Or better yet, set up a weekly thing and let her know you have a set day “off” from being available in addition to the 24 hours.

And I’ll be the one who will throw it out there; lie and say you’re job hunting and less available. I’ll be the bad guy.

By: Melissa D

Melissa D — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:05:29 +0000

Trent, I have to smile at how you answered Q2, because it sounds like what my husband would say, a definition of the problem and a very direct statement. I think the questioner wants more, though:
- a script for what to say
- a way to preserve the relationship with her daughter and her friend
- a way to sympathize with Pushy Mom but lay out her own needs
- possibly a way to help PM and get help herself for her own burdens

I’d suggest this: “Hey PM, I can see that you are really stressed out with everything that’s going on. I love to see and playing together. We are *both so busy* — maybe we could trade kids a couple of days a week so we can have a day to crank on our stuff….My best day to take PMD is Tuesday after school until about 5:30, *but I would need to make up work on another day.* When do you think you could watch Daughter? Would Thursday work, maybe til 5:30? *I’d like to plan this out so that we can make this work for both of us.”

Hope that helps. :-)

By: michael bash

michael bash — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 12:47:54 +0000

Ah! the sounds of silence while driving. Also what about earphones?

By: kristine

kristine — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 03:25:52 +0000

please use spellboy.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:46:56 +0000

#4–Some states-Definitely in Illinois–if you teach in certain areas including special education (math and science are some others) for a minimum number of years, your student loans are forgiven (or something like that). It’s a program to get students into areas where they don’t have as many teachers by providing an incentive to them.

By: DaveOR

DaveOR — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:01:59 +0000

#6 – Craig

A friend has a power strip for his computer system that has a small corded “remote” on/off button – so the power strip and all the cord mess stay in the back, on the floor, while the control is just a button on your desktop.

By: Gretchen

Gretchen — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 01:27:29 +0000

3, I wouldn’t buy forever furniture until you are in your forever/long term home. It might nto fit or look right in the house, and you’d replace it anyway.

Road trips: actually, passenger picks the music. Unless he or she is reading or sleeping.

9: “Talk to them privately and just say that Christmas means something different to you.” No. Just say you aren’t doing it. I also find generic gifts in that price range to be unwelcome- But I would take the other commenter’s Church Cookbooks. Those have the best tried and true recipes.

By: Rockledge

Rockledge — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 23:10:33 +0000

In my response to Q#2, I forgot to mention that although the mom was frequently unpleasant to others, she was not abusive to her daughter–that would have changed everything.

By: Brittany

Brittany — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 23:10:10 +0000

Q10– My boy and I do something called “CD Roulette”–we each pick a number of CDs (usually around 1 each per hour of the trip). Then we shuffle the CDs and start at the top of the stack.

If you picked the CD, you can pick the songs/the order of songs off of it.

If you didn’t pick the CD, you can veto it after 3 songs.

We find this is a good balance and I imagine there’s a good compromise for digital media as well (lists instead of CDs).

By: Rockledge

Rockledge — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:46:11 +0000

#2 You are resentful because you feel the mother is taking advantage of you and you are right. But the real question is how your daughter and this child get along.

My daughter had a friend who had a somewhat crazy mom who also owned a business. Since I am currently a stay-at-home mom, this girl would come over almost every day and frequently stay for dinner, to the point that I would accidentally refer to her as my daughter.

She and my daughter were best friends and she was a sweet child so I was glad to have her. Her mom was definitely borderline personality disorder (read “self-centered, negative, and unpleasant”). Whenever we had to interact with her, we acted very bland. We were definitely a safe haven for this girl. And yes, her mom got free babysitting out of it. But I don’t regret one moment of having that child at my house and we were very sad when they moved far away.

If you are going to watch this other mom’s child, don’t do it for the mom or you will resent it. If you do it, do it for your child and her friend.

By: Des

Des — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:45:55 +0000

Q10 – I’m not sure the “driver picks the tunes” really resolves the issue. Wouldn’t that just change the fight to who gets to drive? DH and I don’t really like the same music, but we do both like comedy albums. We’ll listen to those, switch off songs, or just keep the music off and talk :)