Comments on: Reader Mailbag: Basic Manners

By: jim

jim — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 22:47:29 +0000

Johanna, Steve, OK I stand corrected. I didn’t realize TJX stores sold the ‘irregular’ / outlet store kinda stuff. I thought they were just heavy discount on normal retail stuff like selling swimsuits in September or overstock items etc.

By: SLCCOM

SLCCOM — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 19:58:51 +0000

“She insists on wearing clothes that a lot of people have told her that they wouldn’t wear it if people paid them to wear it.”

“She insists on making me pick all her clothes from now, but she will not throw some of the things that will make people from 1990s cringe.”

“I do accept that I personally love constructive criticism a little too much, I believe it is what helps one improve themselves. I just wish she was the tinniest bit more open to constructive “suggestions”.”
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I have a contrary view. I think that this girl, and I say “girl” because she is acting like an immature, attention-demanding twit who is actually the controlling one, rather than an adult woman. Who would continue to wear clothing so bad that a lot of people told her that they wouldn’t wear it if they were PAID TO? And now she insists that he pick out her clothing from now on, but continues to wear ugly and/or inappropriate clothing? And she continues to use a childish font and signature for professional use? I’m very sure that someone at work has told her that this is a bad idea, and I’m equally sure that her failure to act like a grown-up means that she will never get very far in whatever job or profession she is in. I’m equally sure that her clothing choices are holding her back as well.

So, while she is digging herself into a hole by childish behavior, she is also squandering her money on needlessly expensive gew-gaws. And on top of that, is not interested at all in acting on any constructive suggestions from anyone.

That is not marriage material in my book. Tweens are just too young.

By: Steve

Steve — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 18:41:04 +0000

@#42 Jim TJMaxx and Marshalls definitely carry both imperfect items and some “outlet store” specific lines.

I personally don’t get the whole Yankee Candle thing but I’ll tell you what: they seem to be doing just fine. Enough people see the value they provide for the money to keep them in business.

By: Johanna

Johanna — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 17:38:49 +0000

@jim: Actually, I have seen items at Marshall’s marked as “irregular” or “slight imperfection.”

By: jim

jim — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 17:15:45 +0000

Adam and Sjw have both mentioned outlet stores. Yes the products bought at outlet stores are different and may be inferior to regular retail products. But outlet stores are different than retail stores and the fact they carry factory rejects and such is a known factor. Mark didn’t say anything about outlet stores. TJMaxx and Marshalls do not operate as outlet stores and (to my knowledge) do not carry factory reject items.

By: sjw

sjw — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 12:43:11 +0000

While I don’t get spending that much extra on candles (I’m a fan of the big bag of Ikea tealights – because they burn well for the right amount of time), I do understand the concern that some brands make a lower quality for the outlet stores specifically.

I’ve heard similar comments about clothing, that it isn’t just over-runs (because there aren’t enough of them for the number of outlet stores), but that there are specific ‘outlet’ runs. Or that is where the ‘dinged’ items that don’t pass quality checks end up.

And having one’s SO hold on to crappy clothing is something I can completely empathize with. Based on my experience, once it has holes you have a better shot, but even then you might lose. :)

By: Katie

Katie — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 11:37:43 +0000

I’m going to take a guess that Mark’s girlfriend was sick of being harassed about going to the mall instead of Mark’s preferred discount store and finally just shouted “The stuff they have at the mall stores is different!” to get him to shut up. In reality, she probably just likes going to the mall, possibly because Mark is not there to nitpick her taste.

By: Emma

Emma — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 03:48:02 +0000

“purity and innocence” and candles loving girl. I guess much younger than Mark.Mark gathered life experiences and knows where and when. Perhaps she is too young to match that. I don’t think Mark has many choices. How many girls out there would agreed to be dressed by the boyfriend for public acceptance? Better stay with the girl, candles or not. She is a treasure.

By: Kai

Kai — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 21:28:46 +0000

“#17 Misha @ 11:02 am March 12th, 2012
No, Kai, the neat thing about being a gainfully employed unmarried adult is that she doesn’t have to answer to anyone but herself.
His need for control is a much better reason not to get married than her spending is (remember, we don’t know that it’s actually out of control).”

And that works, until you are contemplating becoming a married adult. So while you can spend to your heart’s content on whatever you want, if you are in a relationship which is looking like it could lead to marriage, then yes, you do need to answer to each other on spending. Once you are married, your spending will affect each other, so you need to get any issues sorted out ahead of time – unless you plan to just marry blindly and divorce when it doesn’t work.
A *single* person has no-one to answer to. A member of an involved couple looking towards marriage who announces “I don’t have to justify my spending to you as it’s none of your business” is not ready for marriage.

By: jim

jim — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 20:18:20 +0000

Its possible and feasible that Marks girlfriend has good logical reasons to spend money on stuff the way she does that is not getting relayed by Mark or Mark is misunderstanding.

Mark is saying that his girlfriend thinks “the very same” stuff is better simply when you spend more. That ain’t true as a generalization.

By: Liz

Liz — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 20:02:59 +0000

re: Q6. In my email program, I can select certain recipients to get a certain signature. If I were 15 years younger I might just make sure that my controlling boyfriend got to see only my cutesy, little girly signature, while the rest of the world saw a grownup one with no pink curlicues. Of course, I’d probably also have kicked the guy to the curb over my candle-buying choices (or something. Clearly this guy is a saint with no imperfections at all).
And isn’t fleece considered to be polyester? You’ll pry me out from under my fleece blanket only when I’m dead (although the temp in my house in winter is set to 58 degrees at night, so I might not be the most rational person when it comes to blanket choice…).

By: Steve

Steve — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:40:20 +0000

Wow, that’s pretty awesome about re-using the same question. I find it hard to believe nobody (Trent and the team he sold the blog to) noticed the return of the coffee filter TP.

By: Gretchen

Gretchen — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:36:48 +0000

What does font in an email have to do with one’s fashion sense?

Why would you want to marry someone you are embarrassed to be seen in public with? Or, more to the point, why would she want to marry you?

By: lurker carl

lurker carl — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:13:00 +0000

In regards to question 6: Toxic relationship going on here.

It sounds to me like Mark likes to play with dolls and girl friend is the Barbie. Total control. To consider breaking up a relationship because of the bed spread is a sure sign of trouble in paradise. I think the “Yankee Candle/Calvin Klein/WhatEver is better when overpriced” thing is her way of defiance. Same with the cutsie signature block, her supervisor would have handled the situation if it was a problem. Mark needs to back away from being the control freak, girl friend needs wake up and smell the coffee.

By: Adam P

Adam P — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:08:51 +0000

Also -re the jeans. The Ralph Lauren discount store sells polos for about $39, the retail store sells them for $90+. There is a difference between the two polos, in both fit and fabric (also made in different countries). Maybe the levis are the same way?

By: AJ

AJ — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:06:26 +0000

Jim #18-

…not only did the reader ask the question again, Trent gave the opposite answer this time! Here’s Trent’s response to this exact same question a month ago:

“The honest route is to contact the agencies and tell them that you can’t pay right now. Make it clear that you do not have adequate employment.”

By: Adam P

Adam P — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:05:55 +0000

TJ Maxx and Marshall’s have a discount YC line that is used I think called “Simply Home”. They use different names for the same scents and have different labels and jars. They are cheaper (obviously). Alternatively, sometimes they sell overstock old candles that are the same as the YC but have been discontinued and may be losing their scent from age. The “throw” might not be as good, or they may “tunnel”. There are a million reasons that are valid for others why she would want a retail price version of a candle. If she can afford it, more power to her.

By: jim

jim — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 18:57:03 +0000

From the sound of it Mark may also want to re-evaluate the things he is critical about in the first place. Don’t nitpick her about every little thing. Maybe Mark isn’t really nitpicking but it kind of sounds like it. When you get to the point that you’re critical of someones font choice that seems beyond normal criticism. He ought to learn to take her quirks and oddities in stride and not tell her she’s wrong about such things. He says he likes constructive criticism. But maybe he likes it wayyyy too much. Mark may need to step back and realize that its him thats being far too critical about everything his girlfriend does. Granted we don’t have a lot of detail here but thats kind of the impression the question gives.

By: jackie

jackie — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 18:48:53 +0000

Perhaps Q6 and his girlfriend are immigrants or are outside the US. His grammar and attitudes toward “innocence” give that impression. If she had previously lived in an area where low-quality counterfeit goods were widely available, that could explain a reluctance to shop at lower-end stores.

By: jim

jim — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 18:42:18 +0000

Adam P, Theres nothing wrong with spending $25 on candles if you can afford them. The point that Mark made about the candles is that she thinks Yankee candles are ‘better’ if she spends $25 for them at the expensive store and that buying Yankee candles for 1/3 the cost at a cheap store are worse. Yankee candles are a specific brand. So this is like thinking your Levi’s jeans are better cause you spent more on them. If Mark is correct about this then she is categorically false in her belief. Yankee candles don’t get better if you spend more to buy them and don’t become worse if they go on sale. Also Mark says this is just one example and her spending habits are the same for everything. If thats true and she acts like this for every spending choice then it certainly would have a negative financial impact on a married couple. I’m assuming she isn’t a mult-millionaire trust fund baby.

Its possible Mark is giving us a confused version of the situation. If Mark is confusing Yankee candles for other candles then thats a different issue. If Marks girlfriend just doesn’t want to bother spending her time chasing sale prices to safe a few bucks then thats another point. If Marks girlfriend IS actually a mult-millionaire then thats different. But I’m taking what Mark said on face value that his girlfriend actually believes spending more makes things better and that she spends like this on everything and I’m making a fairly safe assumption that he / she are not stinking rich.