Some years back, my wife announced that she was very happy with “our” life.

From her point of view: she helped support the family financially by working part time one or two days a week; she was living in her dream house; she was able to spend loads of time with many friends either visiting, entertaining, or going out; she could support various school and community organizations and activities; despite my grumblings about money there seemed to be plenty since we weren’t sliding further into debt, were saving for retirement, and all needs were being met as they arose; the kids had reached a stage where they didn’t need constant looking after which freed up more of her time for other things; and she thoroughly enjoyed summer vacations spent visiting family and friends out of state.

From my point of view: I was working a job that had morphed into something I didn’t like but felt trapped by the money; the house we had bought was becoming a money pit and I hated it; between all of her and the kids activities anything I wanted to do took a very distant third and was often chastised (subtly or directly) as being in competition with their activities; I would come home from work and at least once a week before I’d even taken my coat off I would be hit up for immediate money needed for something for the kids, house, etc.; yet my attempts to discuss budgeting were met with delays, avoidance, and flat out eye rolling about how I worried to much even though I felt at best we were treading water; despite the kids being older she had turned down an offer from her work to put in more days even though she’d always said she’d pick up more work as the kids got older; and finally I was getting tired with spending my vacation visiting her family and friends out of state every single summer.

“Our” lives, though essentially the same in content, were very different in perspective.

Fortunately my wife’s off hand statement let me recognize that there was a real difference in our views.

My point to Aaron is that you need to recognize that two views of the same situation can be very different and you are going to have to find a way to commuciate with your spouse so you can understand and support each other’s point of view. Maybe she needs a better understanding of why you’re so concerned about money and maybe you need a better understanding of why things you think are wastes of money and time are important to her. An example I’ve dealt with is birthdays for the kids. My family had a dessert at dinner and maybe a present on a birthday. My wife’s family had blow out invite the neighborhood and all the cousins type parties where they tried to impress folks. So to me parties for a birthday are a waste of money, for my wife they’re an important part of being a family and an opportunity to be with friends and neighbors. By understanding this instead of just arguing about the money we were able to both recognize and come to an agreement on how we handled the kids birthdays.

I would suggest to Ronny that you look at your employer’s policies on taking sick days and see if you are allowed to use sick days for doctor’s appointments. Lying about the reason for your absence, though, is dishonest and a bad idea. Bank as much as possible and be thankful for your health.

My employer used to have a generous policy (it was a bit complicated but worked out to up to 25 days a year). They had to curtail is because of a few bad apples abusing it, because like you they felt they had “earned” those 25 days and made sure to take them every year.

It’s hard to tell what your situation at home is though, from your short note. Is your wife also contributing to the family income and did she take them to McDonald’s once when you were working late? Or is she a spender who takes them out often to expensive places while not contributing her fair share in income and/or labor to run your household while you’re at work earning all the money? Did the two of you fairly budget “my money” to cover the essentials and the occasional treat? Or is she blowing the mortgage on stuff you deem non-essential? Non-driving kids need to be taken places. Does she not drive, or do you take the only car to work everyday leaving her at home with no transportation?

Someone has to spend time and money dressing and feeding your family, putting a roof over their head, and covering their medical care. This is real life. But it doesn’t mean you should be a doormat with a wallet attached, either. Marriage (and childrearing) at its best is a partnership between you two. It is very difficult if you can’t agree on the basics. Do you two have a budget on which you both agreed that covers things like the occasional meal out? Or if you work late a lot, are there quickie favorite meals she can cook so they don’t miss Dad so badly, or wait until you get home to all eat together? Do you jointly plan everyone’s family activities so that each of you has a share of the time and money within your family resources to do the things you each want to do? Limiting kids’ outside activities was one choice we made when we both worked outside the home for money, and our time was more of an issue. Now that I work at home for love, we budget the money more tightly instead since my time is more flexible. We also realized that it was easy for him to start thinking of it as “his” money when he was the only one earning it. That became an issue which we had to negotiate, so that it stayed in balance for both of us. He may be earning the income, but me being home with children is something we jointly decided, so I’m still entitled to a share of family resources and still have an equal vote. Like any successful married couple, we had to learn to compromise so everyone gets some of what they want. We still disagree of course, but we’ve learned to live with each others’ differences – and he and I set the rules on how we spend and on what we spend, not the kids. We know that choosing to be in a relationship and choosing to have children means that we don’t have all the time or financial resources we did as single people. For us, the tradeoffs are worth it. And it is for a very finite period of time as well – children grow up and leave sooner than you think.

If you’re smart enough to recognize this is an issue between you two, you’re smart enough to work it out fairly.

Having said that, I do realize that not everybody stays in their hometown and marries somebody else from there so family is all close by. (I’m from New England and my family is still there, my husband is from Texas, and we met and married in North Carolina.) But I agree that it’s selfish for people to plan a “destination wedding” someplace wonderful they want to visit and expect other people to just jettison their financial plans to go. Maybe marrying a guy from Turkey doesn’t quite meet the definition of that. But if you and your wife agree that it’s not in your family’s best interests to go, I think that’s the decision you should make and stick to it. Good luck!

Using FF 11.0 here on Windows 7 and have no problems viewing TSD.

Q2 : Probably best to just pay the contract off. Unless you only have a few months and paying the remainder of the service period would be cheaper.

Q5 : I don’t really understand the problem. From the sounds of the question it seems as if nobody but you is allowed to spend money and all money must be spent on things you like or that directly benefit you. Surely thats not your attitude? You need to let your wife spend some money and have some fun too. You didn’t say anything about financial hardships, if you’re struggling and your wife is acting like a spendthrift then thats important detail to relay. Otherwise the way you ask that question you come across as selfish and too controlling of your household finances.

Q7 : An emergency fund equal to 6 months of expenses is a good rule of thumb. The more the better. I don’t like Trents (people x months) formula. It makes no real sense to me.

Q10 : You have a LOT of debt compared to your income. You’re not going to pay that all off anytime soon. I’d recommend talking to a non profit consumer credit counseling agency. Do a search for National Foundation for Credit Counseling and look up your local agency. They are non profit and won’t charge you and they can help you negotiate repayment terms with your debtors.

If he’s only making ~$2130 a month, I’m not seeing much of an option other than moving in with his dad after his dad sells the house. Would his dad agree to sharing some of the proceeds from the sale?

Why is his girlfriend and her son moving in with him if his current housing situation is tenuous? Is her credit as bad as his? How old are these people? Does she know that they are about to be homeless?

Cashing out the SEP would give them some breathing room, but will it be putting them in a bigger hole in the long term?