Marriage and finances can at times be a difficult mix. Each person has distinctly different experiences with money, and each person may have completely different philosophies on how that money should be spent. This often creates marital troubles, but these troubles usually boil down to a lack of communication at some point along the line.

In short, If you want a healthy and financially sound marriage, get over your hangups about talking about money. Don’t ever be afraid to sit down with your spouse and go over the nickels and dimes of your life. Make sure you define your goals together as a team, not separately. And make sure that you have compatible philosophies on discretionary spending - if your partner spends far more or far less than you’d like, it’s going to cause some discomfort and you need to clear the air.

Along these lines, a reader wrote to me recently with the following problem (edited a bit for grammar and clarity):

My future wife and I are generally on the same page when it comes to finances. We have the same long term goals and she is by no means a rich girl. But with that being said, when she sees a little extra in the joint account, she spends it… I don’t want to go behind her back to sock away a little cash but it may be the only way. Any ideas?

When you dig right down to it, this is an issue about communication. Even though you’re both generally on the same page about financial issues, there’s apparently a communication gap somewhere about what to do with extra money. Here are some potential solutions, some of which I like and others I don’t.

Forget about it. If it’s an insignificant amount, this might be the best avenue. Allow your partner the joy of having a little bit of spending money and just let things be. The only problem with this is if the spending seems to grow over time, which means that there’s a fundamental problem.

Take the money and put it somewhere else without saying a word. This solves the financial problem, but does nothing at all about the communication problem. Eventually, these withdrawals will come out, and it will cause a problem. Why? By doing this, you’re showing a lack of trust with your partner.

Have an open ended conversation about it. Here we have the opposite situation, as this solves the communication problem but merely hopes to solve the financial problem. The talk might help to alleviate some of the communication problems and really help to get your financial perspectives more in alignment, but there’s no guarantee of a solution.

Set an “allowance” for both of you. Another possibility is to set a spending “allowance” for both of you. Start off the conversation on the issue with this proposal. Although this does solve the problem if you both stick to it, when I first proposed this to my wife, it was met with heavy resentment and a sense that I was treating her like a child. If you try this, you need to be very careful.

If I were you, though, I would try this solution. Set up an automatic savings plan into an emergency fund, then don’t sweat the rest. If you’re finding yourself with regular “excess” that can be spent on trivial stuff and it’s making you uncomfortable, suggest sweeping some amount each week or month into an emergency fund automatically. Then, if there’s still some left over, don’t worry about it and just enjoy spending it. What will happen over time is that you’ll subtly adjust your own life to compensate for this extra savings.

Good luck!

I recently discovered a fantastic new feature in Google Maps that can actually save me a lot of money. Here’s how it works.

Let’s say hypothetically that I’m sitting at work in the greater Des Moines, Iowa area and I want to pick up a delicious pizza from Papa Murphy’s on my way home from work. Unfortunately, though, I can’t call out from work to non-business numbers, though I can receive phone calls. Ah-ha! I go to Google Maps, type in “Papa Murphys West Des Moines IA and see the following:

See the “call” link I have circled in red? If you click that link, you’ll be asked to enter your telephone number. As soon as you click submit, your telephone will ring. Pick it up, wait a few seconds, and you’re connected for free to the business. No charges to you at all, and no outgoing call charges. This is spectacularly useful if you have any sort of long distance charges or if you have outgoing call charges on your telephone, whether it be a land line or a cellular phone.

In general, this technique seems to work for most businesses - I have used it to call dozens of businesses in the last several months and I can only recall one that was not listed using this service. It has been very useful for making restaurant reservations, calling businesses to check on their hours, and so forth. It’s a great way to utilize whatever phone is handy to make calls without eating away at my cell phone minutes and without being dinged for outgoing call charges.

What’s the drawback? So far, I haven’t found a drawback - it’s not always useful, but quite often it can save me some cash.

This morning, I got a first hand glimpse of how good social skills make all the difference in the world. I watched an individual who looked tired and angry (but other than that was attractive) get told that the coffee machine at a local gas station was out of order, then less than five minutes later, a smiling, upbeat gentleman (who was also overweight) asked about the coffee machine and almost immediately the person behind the counter went over, took a look at it, and got it working.

Here are nine social skills you can practice throughout your day that will open all kinds of little doors for you and eventually lead you to financial rewards as well.

Look people in the eye. Whenever you have any sort of interaction with anyone, look them directly in the eye and hold it for just a second or two - don’t let it devolve into a stare. If they return the look, you can hold it for a bit longer. This is a quick way to subtly show the other person that they can have confidence in you.

Smile. Smile at everyone. Smile when you’re looking someone in the eye. Always smile at anyone providing any service to you. Always smile at children and the elderly. If you do it enough, it begins to come smoothly and naturally. This is a quick way to lift the mood of the others around you, and thus they begin to associate you with the positive mood lift.

Remember as many names as you can. Every person loves to hear their name said back to them, because it’s a sign to them that they have value to someone else. Thus, by saying someone’s name to them in a greeting, you’re showing that you remember and value them as an individual. Try as hard as you can to pick up names quickly and then use them when you greet them upon a second or third interaction.

Offer greetings to anyone and everyone. A well placed “good morning” or “good afternoon” can often make all the difference in the world. It innately creates a sense of goodwill in the other person. For example, if you’re starting a new job and can manage to come in the front door, greet the administrative assistant, and say something like, “Good morning, Mike,” you’re already on your way to establishing a healthy and positive relationship with that person.

Ask questions. If you are like me and often have a hard time starting a conversation, ask a question, even if it’s something as generic as “What’s new?” This allows them to feel welcomed into a conversation with you, breaking down any potential barriers. If you can remember a fact or two about the person, this is almost always good fodder for a conversation opener: there’s one person in my office who enjoys the television series Lost, so I often use it as a conversation opener with him by saying, “Did you catch Lost the other night?” This makes people feel comfortable in conversation.

If you don’t know what to say, ask another question. You can usually build from anything that has previously been said with another question. This enables the other person to continue talking, and for most people an invitation to talk and an open ear means that they are being welcomed. That doesn’t mean you should just sit and ask questions, but that if you are completely stuck, ask another question.

Talk about your own mistakes. When conversing with someone regularly, I find it is always useful to eventually admit to smaller mistakes of my own. Mistakes make you appear human, and thus the thing you relate about yourself should regularly include imperfections. If the other person sees you as human and having small faults, you will seem more real and thus they’re more willing to accept you and include you. Keep the mistakes small and real, though; don’t suddenly say something like “Once, I ran the lawnmower over the cat.”

Take an interest in what is important to them. If the conversation starts to go down a path that you know nothing about, don’t withdraw. Instead, admit you know little about it and ask them to explain. Most people eat this up because not only do they get to talk about something familiar, but they get to relate from a position of superior knowledge, which is something many people enjoy. Even if the topic is boring to you, pay attention. Look at the person, smile, and nod. What I do is try to formulate connections to things that do interest me, like if I hear a woman go on and on about her purse, I try to make connections to personal finance and ask something like, “Where did you buy that?” and so on. This makes it appear as though I’m interested in what she’s interested in, but I’m also attempting to leverage my own interests.

Keep clean. I can’t stress this enough: cleanliness is one of the biggest keys to successful social encounters. It makes you appear in a more positive fashion to everyone around you.

Continuing on our sub-theme this week of skills that complement strong personal finance management, I want to cover the topic of how to write an effective letter. In this electronic age, many people have forgotten the elements - and the value - of sending a letter via postal mail, but this skill is something important that everyone should recognize as part of their repertoire.

What value does this have? A letter is very concrete and can be used as evidence of information exchanged between two parties. To a business, a letter means business in a way that a phone call or an email do not. If you need to get your point across and telephone calls aren’t cutting it, a letter is the way to go. Sadly, fewer and fewer people are using this tool, which actually makes the power of a letter today even stronger - it means pay attention even more than before.

When should I send a letter? A letter should be used whenever you have difficulty achieving the resolution that you want by telephone or by electronic communication. For example, if you have bill collectors calling you day and night, the most effective way to ask them to stop is by letter requesting that all contact be in writing (along with a copy given to your lawyer). Another example: if you’re ever disputing a bill, a letter is the best way to get your case across, as an individual who is not serious enough about a dispute to send a letter often won’t get the resolution they want. In both of these cases, a well-constructed letter is the way to go.

What should a formal letter contain? If you are writing a formal letter for the first time, here are the basic elements (along with suggested placements) for what the letter should look like.

Your address should appear in the upper left corner of the page, followed by an empty line, followed by the address of the recipient. This way, the contact information is clear for both parties.

After this, skip another line, center the text, and write Attention: followed by the name and title of the person you are contacting. For example, if you’re writing to Jim Nolan, VP of Customer Relations at a company, this line should be “Attention: Jim Nolan, VP of Customer Relations” … the company name should be understood. Also, this is the only line that should be centered; everything else should be aligned to the left.

Skip another line, then start off with an appropriate address: Dear Mr. Nolan (or Ms. Nolan in the case of a female recipient).

Skip yet another line, then begin your main letter. Keep it brief and stick to the facts; don’t write a ten page tome or else no one will read it. Start off by clearly stating the issue at hand with dates and other specific information, then in another paragraph state the resolution that you wish to see. A final sentence should give information on how to contact you, something like “I can be reached at the address given above or by telephone at …”

Finish with a “Yours truly,” then insert three blank lines, then type your name. After you print it, sign it in pen above your name. Put it in an envelope and send it out.

I wanted to finish up this week with what I felt was the biggest danger with financial independence. From my perspective, the biggest challenge that people on the cusp of financial independence face is the danger of a damaged relationship. Parents are afraid to let go, or push their children away roughly in an effort to get them to fly. Children can pull away too strongly or build up a relationship of adult financial dependence that is unhealthy for both parents and children.

The truth is that the nature of the parent-adult child relationship is changing from a parent-young child dynamic into a relationship of individuals with much more equality, and that shift is difficult, even for people who have known and loved each other from the earliest days. Financial relationships are just a part of this changing dynamic, but given the emotional challenges of money, many parents and many children end up quite hung up over the financial aspects of this transformation.

Here are some tips for how to handle this transition without damaging a lifelong relationship.

Communicate until you can’t communicate any more. As difficult as it can be, communication is the absolute key to surviving a transition like this. If something is bothering you, talk about it. If you don’t know what’s going on and want to be on the same page, make a phone call or stop by for a visit. The best part is that this transition can quite often strengthen the relationship.

Be very clear on expectations. If your child is at college and you’re thinking that you’re going to cut off their financial support before their junior year, let them know and tell them why as soon as you can. If you put it off until later, one of two things will happen, and both are bad. You will either give up on your decision to cut off support (letting yourself down and keeping your child from being independent for even longer), or else you’re going to drop a major, sudden bomb on your child, which is almost a guarantee that your relationship will be damaged.

The reverse is true if you’re the one becoming independent. If you are unclear as to where exactly the financial relationship between you and your parents is at, they’re probably as conflicted as you are. Take the first step and give them a call so that you are all on the same page on this. If you don’t, you’re bound to wake up one day with a sudden and major change in your financial status, something that no one wants.

If your child is still at home, sit down and talk about expectations. When do you want to cut financial dependence? How long do you expect to be financially dependent? If the answers to these questions are very far apart and it hasn’t been communicated, you’re asking for trouble.

Don’t know how to talk about this? Here are five “ice breaking” questions that can help get the ball rolling.

1. Where do you want to be in one year? In ten years?
2. What will those goals require in terms of support from the other?
3. What do you want our relationship to be like in one year? In ten years?
4. What are your dreams for the remainder of your life? What needs to happen in the short term to make those dreams happen?
5. What does independence really mean, good and bad?

Don’t just do it once and forget it; maintain the conversation. If you just talk about these issues once, it will help, but the dynamic of your relationship will continue to change for a while until you find a steady state you’re both comfortable with. Don’t let the issues become old and stale; hit upon your goals, perspectives, and feelings on a regular basis.

For many people, adulthood is a time to find your own path and walk alone, but some parents and children have difficulty breaking the financial ties that bind and the financial dependence continues well into traditional adulthood. This is a dangerous path, fraught with many challenges for both the parent and the child, some of which aren’t obvious at first glance. If you are a parent with a dependent adult child, or an adult child who relies on financial support from your parents to get by, keep the following in mind:

It makes saving for retirement and long term care difficult for the parents. If a parent is still spending a significant amount of money each month financially supporting an adult child, that’s money that is not going towards retirement investment, which means that the parents will be required to remain in the workforce longer and have a greater likelihood of becoming a financial burden upon their children late in life.

It reduces the parents’ standard of living. At a time when parents should be enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of work both in the workplace and in raising a family, they are still saddled with a serious financial commitment which reduces their security and their quality of life in the present.

It creates a sense of entitlement in the relationship. As time goes on, financial support moves from being appreciated to being expected. Children begin to treat financial support as part of their salary and begin to live a lifestyle beyond their means. They begin to feel entitled to this support. It is a natural occurrence; any repeating event soon becomes an expected one in a person’s life, like watching 24 on Monday evenings.

The longer the relationship continues, the more emotionally devastating ending the tie becomes. As the financial connection becomes entrenched, it becomes more difficult for both parent and child to cut that tie. The parent is often consumed with unnecessary guilt when the thought occurs and also is afraid of negative ramifications from cutting the tie, while the child is ever more reliant on that financial support to sustain their lifestyle.

The key to severing such ties is to do it as early as possible. When a child is able to walk alone, that child should walk alone. It allows for a healthy relationship between parents and children that isn’t tied to a financial situation, reduces the impact of emotional damage, and allows the parents the financial freedom to plan for their future.

For the first time ever, my wife paid attention to an advertising campaign produced by a major brokerage firm. In this case, it was the nearly ubiquitous “Talk to Chuck” campaign for Charles Schwab, in which cartoon people discuss their financial needs to the camera. This particular spot showed a man concerned with having to pay eight bucks for each trade he made with his broker.

This basically spurred a lengthy and interesting conversation with my wife about individual stock investing and eventually it led back to our own finances, values, and where we wanted to go with our lives in the next few years. My impression of her before the conversation is that she would be very conservative with investing, but I found out quite directly that she was much more aggressive about investments than I was. More than anything, she seemed relieved by the end of the conversation, as if perhaps this simple television advertisement had opened a door of communication that had previously been closed to us.

The moral of the story? Don’t worry about talking to Chuck until you’ve talked to the people central in your life. If you’re married or are in a long-term committed relationship, you should know what your spouse thinks about basic financial issues and you should both have a pretty strong picture of your financial backbone. Do you know where every dollar is at in your marriage? If you both don’t know this, money is probably a nervous area for you.

Even more, talking to a financial advisor is a waste of time if you aren’t on the same page as the others in your life. You know what your goals are and you might even have a great picture of your finances, but what about these questions?

What are your spouse’s goals?
What are the goals you have in mind for your children?
When do you want to retire?
When does your spouse want to retire?
What level of risk are you both comfortable with?
How much autonomy are you willing to give to your investment advisor?

Here’s the real secret: if you are truly open with those central in your life on these issues, you probably don’t need to talk to Chuck at all. Many times, all financial planners really do is guide you through these questions and then match you up with a set of investment in line with your answers, but if you’ve already done the difficult communication part, some basic internet research can help you find investment solutions that are appropriate. Better yet, visit one of the many financial resources on the internet (like this one), read a bit, and ask some questions. There are countless people out there who can offer you advice on any topic that you want to know.

Even if you decide that a financial advisor is the way to go, talk to those most important to you before you talk to Chuck.

College-age readers (and younger), this post is directly aimed at you. Paying for college isn’t easy, whether it’s you doing it or your parents covering it for you. Unless you were very lucky in the scholarship department, someone is facing a financial hardship from this: your parents, you, your future self, or maybe even someone else. No matter who is paying for your education, there are still some principles that you should follow in order to keep your financial life and your relationship with your parents in good shape.

First, drop any resentment you have. If your parents elected not to pay for your education, that’s their choice. Do you consider yourself to be an adult? Then act like one. If you don’t consider yourself to be an adult, drop out of college, move back into your parents’ basement, and play video games for a few more years. That’ll show ‘em how mature you are.

Now that I’ve got your attention (and if you’re still here, you’re more mature than most college students), a big part of being an adult is dealing with adversity, and resentment is one of the most sure-fire ways to fail when dealing with adversity. You made the choice to go to college and this degree will benefit you and only you, so it stands to reason that you are the person who should bear the brunt of the cost. If your parents are paying for a portion (or even all) of the expense of college, that is a gift. Consider yourself very lucky, not entitled.

Second, if you’re getting nothing out of college, get out of college. If you’re just barely passing your courses and spend all of your time, well, wasting time, college may not be the place for you. Take a one year hiatus and do something completely different, something that sounds authentically exciting to you. Live like a homeless person in Europe for a year. Wash dishes in the best restaurant in town and observe what’s going on in their kitchen. Play your guitar on the street corner for change. Sign up for a volunteer corps. Do that one thing that sounds exciting to you and do it now so you aren’t wasting money sitting in your dorm room wondering what the hell you’re going to do with your life.

Third, even if your parents are covering all of it, don’t turn down opportunities for aid and scholarships. Spend some time in the financial aid office and see if there are any additional packages that can benefit your situation. Even if the cost you’re reducing is not your own, your parents will have more money with which to both spend and save for their own retirement (think of it this way: if they have more in retirement, there’s less chance you’ll have to pay for their care when the time comes). No matter what, seeking out financial aid and scholarships helps your financial picture in the long run.

Last but perhaps most importantly, take advantage of the college experience and use it to reduce costs, whether you’re footing the bill or not. I wrote about this topic in detail in the past, so I’ll just summarize by saying that college affords you a lot of ways to live cheaply and have amazing experiences on the state’s dime. Don’t spend your time dropping $200 on a new pair of pants at the mall when your campus is loaded with tons of free opportunities - and some amazing ones that can even put cash in your pocket.

No matter what, though, never spend your time in college harboring a resentment against your parents for what they did and didn’t spend on you. You are taking the reins of your own life now, and by framing your life in the context of what your parents are doing just continues the cycle of childhood. If you do nothing else because of this article, grow up and realize that as an adult you are the one responsible for the decisions. Your parents are just there to offer a helping hand if they can, nothing more, nothing less.