One common question I’m asked a lot is how we actually balance our work lives and our family lives. Barb sums it up best:

How do you do it? You write tons and tons of stuff for The Simple Dollar, your wife works a full time job, you seem to have tons of time available for your kids, you read quite a bit, and you also seem to have a somewhat active social life. How do you do it? Do you not sleep?

There are a handful of tricks to making this all work. I’ll outline several, but I’ll start with the big one.

The line between work and family is pretty blurry at our house.
As I’ve mentioned before, I set aside a block of time each day to spend with the kids – and my wife does the same. This block usually goes from about 5:30 in the evening until 8:30 in the evening, with the last half-hour or so involving one of us putting the kids to bed while the other one does something else.

Outside of that, the lines between work and family are really blurry at our home. We’ll engage in family activities and in the middle, I’ll yank out my pocket notebook and jot down some notes. I’ll read books for review for The Simple Dollar in the late evenings when my wife is enjoying a piece of meaty fiction. My wife (who is a teacher) will grade papers on the way to an activity while I’m driving, or I’ll gather notes while she’s driving. Sometimes she even helps out with background tasks for The Simple Dollar, brainstorming ideas, correcting posts, and even helping with writing tasks here and there.

It’s not uncommon for us to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon watching a movie in the family room. The kids will choose a Pixar movie we’ve seen a dozen times and my wife and I will fire up our laptops, hers to record some grades and mine to answer some emails.

It doesn’t feel intrusive – at least not to me – because I enjoy the work so much. I love to write. I love to communicate with readers (in fact, I love it so much that I often get behind simply because I want to respond to as many emails as I can). It just feels – most of the time – like just another enjoyable thing to do in my life.

During the school year, the kids do go to daycare, a decision we put a lot of thought into before we chose it. The biggest reason, actually, was for the kids themselves – there are cognitive benefits and health benefits to such attendance. That doesn’t mean that we dump them at the door and run – I often spend days with them, taking them to the Science Center of Iowa or to the library or to the park – but I do try to maximize the time they’re at daycare, doing tasks that they can’t participate in (my work) or would greatly hinder.

The end result of all of this is that my children get my undivided attention vastly more than they did when I was working a full time job. When I had work intruding on my life then, I was either out of the house or mentally distracted when I should have been spending time with them. Now, when they need me and something work-related is on my mind, I have the freedom to slam the door on work whenever I choose. Plus, because I enjoy my work, I also have the freedom to pick it up whenever time allows without hating how it’s interfering with what I want to do – it is what I want to do.

We own one television – and it’s rarely on.
In the last month, the television’s primary use has been twofold. It’s kept us up to date with local storm coverage (since we’ve had some awful weather as of late) and it’s provided the source of our “family movie night,” where all four of us (once a week or so) watch a movie together. Other than that, I think it’s been on roughly two hours (to watch True Blood).

That’s it. The only television we own is down in the basement, and we simply don’t go down there that often. We’re too busy doing other things that we enjoy – activities that often involve active interaction with our children (like drawing pictures or building a giant model railroad).

We do lots of household chores together as a family.
We cook meals together. We clean together. We work on art projects together. We wrap presents together. We do dishes together.

Virtually any task that the children can possibly participate in is done in a social fashion. Everyone gets more out of it if we work together. Sure, there might be minor setbacks when the children get involved, but they offer a lot of help, too. Even our twenty one month old daughter can scrape plates and put them in the dishwasher (seriously) and our three year old loves stirring cookie batter.

The more things like this that we do together as a family, the tighter we bond and the more real world skills our kids have. Doing things this way turns household chores into opportunities for family bonding – and often gets things done just as fast, if not faster.

Many of our friends are also parents.
If you’re friends with parents that have children of a similar age, they’re much more understanding about things like taking kids to the bathroom or washing their hands. They’re also much more likely to be helpful when you need a hand, and you have a lot of experiences and advice worth sharing.

Here’s a perfect example. My wife had four bridesmaids at our wedding – two of them were her sisters and the other two were long-time friends. Today, one of those friends has a son that’s literally one day younger than our own, while the other has a daughter in between the ages of our kids and an infant son. The children have become part of the social bonds tying them all together.

Thus, our roles as parents and as social creatures overlap.

We choose enriching things for our relaxation time.
So when do we relax? Almost every evening, my wife and I spend some time unwinding. That time, though, is often spent reading or playing a game that requires some thinking. Last night, we both read for an hour and a half, side by side, before bed. The night before that, we played Dominion over a bottle of wine.

In short, we make an effort to keep our minds “on” as much as possible during the day.

Turning my mind “off” is done in a very focused way.
Obviously, though, being “on” all the time isn’t the best thing, so I have what I think of as an extremely focused “off” time each day. I meditate/pray for about twenty minutes – I clear my mind and do a few very basic relaxation techniques. Often, if I do this later in the day, I find myself hugely mentally refreshed for the evening instead of burnt out after a lot of work.

I used to try to do something like this during my commute, but it never really worked well, so eventually I settled on meditating/praying right when I got home. It’s a late afternoon tradition for me that I’ve used ever since – and it makes a huge difference in my energy and alertness in the evenings.

Doing these things – blending work and parenting and play, meditating, socializing with other parents, and engaging in activities that are usually mentally enriching – has been invaluable for juggling all the roles we have without needing to shell out the cash to bring in extra help (like a housecleaner, for example).

Whenever Mother’s Day rolls around (and it’s just about here), people seem to congregate into two camps on the issue.

First, there’s the celebrate your mother camp – the people who feel that Mother’s Day is a perfect opportunity to show your mother that you care for her, either through action or through a gift. On the other side of that coin is the Mother’s Day is a day invented by the greeting card industry group, those who feel that the entire concept of a “mother’s day” is just an excuse for consumerism.

To tell the truth, I agree with both sides of the issue. Mother’s Day may be a contrived invention, but the reason behind it is one I wholeheartedly agree with – it’s always worthwhile to celebrate our mothers.

The solution is simple: the best way to celebrate your mother isn’t by waiting until a particular day and celebrating it with consumerism. Instead, find ways to show your mother that you truly care – and those ways rarely involve heading to the store and buying greeting cards and other things. Here are eight things to try, whether or not you’re waiting until May 10 to celebrate it or you want to treat every day as Mother’s Day.

Apologize. If there is a rift between you and your mother, there is simply nothing better you can do than apologize. Before you do, though, take to heart what it means to truly apologize. Spend some time really reflecting on the rift that has grown between you and look for your own faults. What did you do wrong? Sure, it’s often easy to blame the other person for the problems, but let yourself go beyond that – you’ll grow as a person and open yourself up to repairing a painful rift if you do.

Write a letter. Sit down, put a pen to paper, and actually write a letter to your mother. This is a perfect opportunity to let her how what she has meant to you over the years. If you’re not sure what to write, just tell stories. Write about the memories you have of her that have really influenced you – and then mention why they influenced you. This written letter will mean far more than any card ever would.

Make a phone call. You can do much the same thing over the phone if you wish, but it’s often just good to place a long phone call to your mother and just talk about everything. Put some time aside for the call so that you can focus on what your mother is actually saying – especially between the lines – and also relate openly about the things you’re feeling and thinking.

Pay a visit. Spend an afternoon with your mother. Watch a movie together. Have a conversation. Eat a meal together. Let the conversation flow. Time spent together is the most valuable gift you can give.

Do a favor. There’s almost always a task that your mother needs done around her home. Perhaps a room needs repainted. Maybe the car needs detailed. Maybe the shrubs need trimmed. One spectacular gift is to simply do that task, no questions asked. Just take care of it, so that the weight of the task is removed from her mind.

Prepare a meal. Visit your mother’s house, sit her down in the kitchen with you, then prepare a meal while conversing with her. Set the table, serve the meal, then clean up all the dishes and appropriately pack away the leftovers. Leave the house just as you arrived (except with perhaps some food in the refrigerator) and you’ll leave a parent that knows that you care.

Make a video. Take a video of the important things in your life. For me, it would be filled with my children and my home. I’d take clips of my kids playing in the yard, our garden beginning to emerge, and so on. Edit this together into a short film and include a bit at the end that tells your mother how much you care.

Involve yourself in something your mother cares about. Attend a service at her church. Show up at her bridge club meeting. Spend a Saturday at Habitat for Humanity. Most importantly, do these things without reservation – put your heart into it, even if personally you aren’t involved in it. Let her introduce you to her friends and take a bit of pride in you. At the same time, show her that she matters to you – and the things she values are important to you, too.

What’s the common theme in all of these ideas? Time. Not money. Time is the gift that has real value when you’re showing someone that you truly care.

This Mother’s Day, don’t worry about spending your money on a card or a fancy gift. Instead, start now on something that’s an investment of your time. That’s a gift that will really matter.

The last week has been pretty rough for me following the passing of my grandmother. I was pretty close to her from my earliest years, but over the last few months, we hadn’t spoken as much as we normally had. I was involved with my own children and she had not called as often as she used to, which I didn’t think much about at the time, but now I realize was just another sign of her Alzheimer’s growing slowly worse.

When she passed away, the initial shock was difficult, but it was actually much harder after the funeral, when I tried to get back into my normal routine. To put it simply, I didn’t want to write. I felt down. I kept thinking about Grandma – and also about how my mother was dealing with things. Memories kept popping into my head. The last thing I wanted to do was to write or do research. I mostly just wanted to hide under a blanket somewhere.

Then I realized something. If Grandma saw me sitting around feeling that sorry for myself, she would let into me like no one’s business. She constantly expected great things from me, more than other people, and she told me why once – because she knew that I was capable of it.

So I spent some time putting myself in a better psychological place – and it really helped. Here are some of the things that really worked.

Let it out The quicker you let it all uncork, the better off you’ll be. I spent some time thinking about the happiest memories I had with Grandma and, before long, the tears came, hot and hard. I cried for a bit, then I felt much better about things.

Exercise I went on a three mile walk, then I did a little bit of interval training (basically, I ran as fast as I could for a block, then stopped until I caught my breath, then did it again, repeating several times). Endorphins do wonders for lifting your mood and making you feel better, even if it’s just a nice walk.

The outdoors After my walk, I sat outside in the grass for a bit. It was pretty cold (winter has been trying to fight back against spring here in Iowa over the last few days), but the fresh air, the sunshine on my skin, and the sound of birds in the trees brought me a steady and happy inner peace. I wound up tinkering around in the garden for a bit, enjoying the outdoors and being refreshed by the sweet spring air.

Simple meditation A period of simple meditation can help clear any troubled mind. Here’s a very basic one that works well for me. I get in a comfortable chair with my feet up. I close my eyes, then I focus on nothing but breathing. I breathe in for a four count, then breathe out for a four count. Once that becomes easy and natural, I focus on each part of my body, starting at my toes. I try to focus on making them go completely still. I move up my body, until I’m to my head, and I’m usually pretty close to sleep (but not quite). Then I go in reverse, back down my body, imagining those pieces coming back to life. It takes about twenty minutes and always makes me feel relaxed and more at peace with the world.

YouTube I have a big collection of YouTube bookmarks that simply lift my mood. They usually take me back to moments in my life that really made me happy, and each one usually gives me goose bumps. Here are a few of them.

Conversation I’ve talked to countless friends and family members over the last few days. Each conversation has helped. A simple phone call does the trick … and a good friend always listens and has something helpful to say.

Children I’ve spent a ton of time playing with my children. A child at play subtly convinces you to let go of the concerns in your life and simply revel in what’s happening at the moment. Rolling around on the floor with my daughter, playing Memory with my son, and having a dance party in the basement with them helped cure a lot of what I was feeling.

Love Just now, as I was writing this, my wife came into the office, put her arms around me, and gave me a big hug. Her constant, unyielding love helps with moments like this. She’s a constant source of support and conversation, and when I’m facing a difficult moment like this, she’s there for me in every way.

My maternal grandmother passed away very suddenly this past Thursday. It caught me completely by surprise, in fact – I was working on arrangements for a weekend guest at our home when my father called me with the news.

It shocked me, to say the least. Here are some of the things the last few days have taught me.

The grieving process is different for everyone. After I received the call, I cried a bit. I sat in a daze for a while, thinking about my grandmother. I then threw myself into doing something, calling a few distant relatives, then cleaning out the pantry in order to give my mind and body something simple to work on.

That time gave me what I needed to be emotionally strong for the funeral and the family events before and after.

Other family members dealt with things in different ways: tears, humor, solitude, eating, cooking, cleaning, and so on. Some wanted to talk about Grandma. Some wanted to talk about anything else. Some wanted to talk about nothing at all.

The best thing you can do is take a deep breath and realize that everyone around you is dealing with the same painful thing you are, in their own way. Be there when others want to talk, back off when they don’t want to, and feel fine giving yourself the room you need.

Times like this are what emergency funds are for. Obviously, the news meant our weekend was filled with an unplanned trip to spend a lot of time with people who weren’t expecting us to visit. This meant a lot of unexpected expenses – a long road trip, food, flowers, and so on.

If we were back in our paycheck-to-paycheck days, this would have been a big problem for us. Our budget for the next month would have been seriously hampered by the onslaught of little expenses here. More importantly, it would have added more stress into an already stressful time.

Instead, we didn’t worry about this at all – we just handled it. Our focus was on our family and our grieving process, not on whether or not we could afford to buy several bags of groceries or a 400 mile road trip or a contribution to a floral display for the funeral.

Times like this are when a strong social network comes through. The large social network that my parents have (that I’ve mentioned before) came through time and time again during the days between my grandmother’s passing and the funeral. They provided lots of food, lots of companionship, and help with arrangements as well. They ran errands, made phone calls, got deals on flower arrangements, gave advice on estate issues, and many, many other little things during those painful days.

These people didn’t need to be called or asked to help. They didn’t expect anything in return, either. They were simply willing to do it, no questions asked.

Why did these people simply do this? Why did they just step up out of nowhere when they were needed? They did it because my parents had always done it for them, no questions asked. My parents spend so much of their time helping others, providing advice and food and phone calls and technical assistance and many, many other things to the people around them on a daily basis. If they see someone near them in need, they simply help them instead of worrying about their own needs and free time.

That giving nature was returned to them in spades this week when they needed it – and they always have that helping hand when they find themselves in any difficult situation.

Rarely have I seen such a clear example of why it’s incredibly valuable to give freely of yourself.

Letting go of the bad memories is vital. When people pass away, there is a window of opportunity there to let lots of little things be bygones and let petty bad memories take a back seat, at least for a little while.

It can be painful to see some people at such a time, but there is no better time to embrace those people and begin the process of rebuilding a broken relationship.

I was able to watch this very thing happen a few times over the last week – and I truly hope that the end of my grandmother’s life will be able to plant the seeds of a few rebuilt relationships.

Perhaps, in some ways, this is my grandmother’s final gift to all of us.

It’s amazing to me how often one part of my life is in opposition to other parts.

Last Thursday, for example, my wife stayed home with our daughter to take her to her eighteen month checkup at the doctor. I had a lot of work to do, so I went into my office, closed the door, and got to work.

After a few hours, though, I heard my daughter in the hallway. She was standing just outside the door and, quite loudly, she said “Daddy?”

My instinct, right then, was to run out in the hallway, sweep my daughter into my arms, and go play with her in the family room for an hour, reading her books and wrestling with her and playing “ring around the rosy” with her.

But right in front of me sat several work tasks, things I needed to get done. I had posts for this site that needed written. I had a contract revision that had to get printed, signed, and faxed. I had a freelance article that needed mailed. And I had fully intended to do some reading and research.

If I chose the work, I’d get the things done that I needed to do to pay the bills. I’d keep my readers happy and my publishers happy. I’d also have less on my plate to worry about for future work.

At the same time, my daughter would sadly wander away from the door, wondering why her daddy didn’t play with her. Likely she would forget it shortly, but if I make the work choice too often, it begins to establish a pattern in her mind.

On the other hand, I could let the work sit and go play with my daughter. That would be the most fun choice and it would reinforce the great bond I have not only with my daughter but with my wife. Later, though, I’d be faced with a mountain of work that would have to be dealt with – or I’d let someone seriously down.

I wound up choosing my daughter, but it wasn’t an easy choice and it left me staying up very late working on things – and left me exhausted the next day.

Why did I make that choice? I realized the reason I was working at home was so that I could spend that quality time with my family. I could have very easily made the wrong choice here, choosing work over family, but in the end, making that choice would have undone the synergy in my life.

I chose lower income and a more flexible schedule so that I could spend more time with my family. Thus, when I have a choice between work and family, the choice should be easy. Family wins. My life has synergy – everything points towards quality time with my family. Work serves to support that time, not to replace it.

Our purchases serve that purpose, too. Our biggest consideration for purchasing a car is reliability. Why? We minimize our concern about major automobile breakdowns, leading to less family disruption. Our long debate about a GPS purchase (why not just use a map?) came down to family issues as well – where’s the nearest bathroom? Where’s the nearest hospital? Where’s the nearest park? These are questions a typical map can’t answer – but they’re invaluable when you’re traveling with kids. (Since people will ask, we own a Garmin nuvi 760)

On the flip side of that coin, we also cut out a lot of unnecessary purchases to save for other things: college, retirement, a big emergency fund, and so on. We don’t buy many items for entertainment – instead, we use the library and PaperBackSwap and SwapADVD and SwapACD and SwapTree – plus our family time is entertaining. We eat at home almost exclusively because it gives us more control over healthy food choices – and it’s cheaper.

When we hit financial bottom, we didn’t have any sort of synergy to our lives. I’d go to work and work like mad, then immediately spend that earned money on frivolous things. I’d spend time with my wife and son some evenings, then choose activities that completely excluded them at other times. I’d think of long term goals, but I’d change them completely by the next day and never really work towards them.

Now, my life has synergy. Almost everything is centered around being a good parent and a good husband. Writing is my creative release, allowing me to throw out the ideas floating around in my head and giving me the mental freedom to focus on my family. The things I do that I consider “work” mostly serve to find ways to earn income from that writing to keep a roof over their heads.

Using that as a lens, it’s easy to figure out that spending less than I earn is a good move. It’s also easy to figure out the priorities when I do spend.

What’s harder is figuring out how to be the best parent I can be.

Spring is awakening here in Iowa, and for us that means getting outside, doing some yard work, and getting some early work done with our garden. With a three year old and a one year old in the house, we try to get everyone involved in the gardening process.

My wife journals extensively, so for this post, I’ve borrowed some of her writing about the garden to help describe some of the early steps for our 2009 garden. She also explains quite well how exactly we get our children involved with our gardening plans.

Sarah’s journal, March 18
Today I took the kids to do some shopping. I was just intending to get peat pellets to start the seeds in, but when I got there I saw a whole set-up with 72 peat pellets in a tray with a lid for $6. The tray is reusable, so next year I can just buy the pellets.

In addition to the pellets, I also bought a bunch of seeds. I had Joe (our son) help me with this part. His current favorite vegetable is cucumbers, so we bought a packet of those. I also had him decide whether to get muskmelons or watermelons (he chose muskmelons). Katie’s (our daughter) favorite vegetable is broccoli, but I couldn’t find any seeds for that. I will have to go to another garden store for those. In addition to the cucumbers and muskmelons, I bought pole green beans and three kinds of tomatoes –Burpee’s Big Boy Hybrid (“outstanding flavor”), Super Beefsteak (“large and disease resistant”), and Super Sweet 100 Cherry (“extra-prolific cherry”). We’re planning on turning a bunch of the bigger tomatoes into sauce, which is why I got two kinds.

Along with the vegetables, I bought a packet of marigolds. My sister, who worked at an organic flower garden for a while, claims that marigolds keep away some bugs, so I always use them for borders in my vegetable gardens.

All together, the cost before taxes for all of this was $13.50 ($6 for the tray, and $1 each for the seed packets, except the cucumbers, which were $1.50).

Here’s our peat tray and some of the seeds we selected for use this year. The almanac was a Christmas gift – it’s a pretty good guide for identifying when exactly to plant in our area. We use it hand in hand with weather forecasts to make a good guess as to when it’s safe to put plants in the ground so they won’t be destroyed by frost.

In addition, we also have a few leftover potatoes from last year’s crop:

We’ll simply cut this potato up into pieces and plant the pieces directly in the garden. The potato sprouted perfectly in a bag in the pantry, where it’s fairly warm and quite dry.

We get the kids involved by having them make several choices about what we plant. Last year, for example, our son Joe was wild about planting carrots, so we planted quite a few carrots in the garden. This year, he was much more enthusiastic about the melons, but our daughter is crazy about broccoli.

By growing things that the kids are excited about eating, they become excited (by extension) about the garden as well.

Sarah’s journal, March 19
Today I worked on clearing the garden of last year’s dead plants, and I also did some weeding. The nice thing about clearing out old dead plants is that it’s really easy to have young children help. Basically, they can’t pull up the wrong thing. If it looks dead, pull it up.

After pulling up dead plants in both the vegetable garden and the ornamental gardens in the front, I’m realizing that our one barrel composter isn’t going to be nearly big enough for all of the garden waste we generate. I’m considering starting a plain old ordinary compost heap behind the vegetable garden.

I also checked out the perennials that we planted last year. Some of the herbs seem to be coming back, and the strawberries are definitely coming up. In fact, I’m a little worried that the strawberries will try to take over the garden. I don’t see any asparagus yet, but I think it’s a little early for those.

I also set the chicken wire around the garden back up. I’d hate to have the young perennials eaten before they have a chance to get going.

In the evening, I had Trent and the kids help me add water to the peat pellets. The tray required 10½ cups of water, so Trent brought water over in measuring cups, the kids poured it in the tray, and I helped make sure Katie didn’t pour the water over herself and the kitchen floor. We couldn’t plant the seeds yet, because it takes peat pellets a while to soak up water.

Here’s our mostly-cleared garden as it sits right now.

We didn’t get the covering off the ground last fall before the first blizzard came through, dumping more than a foot of snow on us which remained for months. We hoped that the covering would be in good shape in the spring – and it is pretty good, at least usable for the coming year.

Soon, we’ll strip the covering off the garden, spread some compost, and till the whole thing just before planting. Since we do not own a tiller (and don’t have extensive need for one), we’ll either borrow a small one from a neighbor or perhaps rent one for a day from the local hardware store.

The waste headed for our barrel composter…

Our composter is a great size for catching a small amount of yard clippings and all of our vegetable table waste, but it’s not exactly big enough to deal with a huge amount of garden waste. Thus, we’re discussing getting either a second barrel composter or perhaps a small chicken wire composter.

In this picture, the compost is just beginning to work. We’re keeping it moist with very warm water and occasional spadefuls of dirt are tossed in to add microbes to continue the composting process. Our goal is to have nice, rich spreadable compost just before we begin to plant next month.

Sarah’s journal, March 20
The kids are at daycare today so that I can get a little bit of work done around the house before going back to teaching. This also lets me do some more of the time-consuming tasks that the kids would get bored with, like planting the seeds (they don’t really have the fine motor skills to help with that yet).

I started by planning how many of each kind of plant I want and deciding where to put them in the tray. I printed out a map of the tray using a spreadsheet program, which I taped to the front so that I can easily see it while I’m planting seeds. I’m saving the extra seeds that I’m not using, in case something doesn’t grow, or I just decide later that I want more of that particular plant. Some plants, like lettuce, can also be planted a second time during the year.

I also pulled out the Farmer’s Almanac that we got for Christmas and looked up when each thing that I’m growing should be moved out to the garden. I wrote those dates on our calendar in the house, as well as one that we’ve got hanging in the garage with the garden tools.

Here’s our planted tray.

We started a bit later than usual this year with our seedling prep – usually, we’re getting this started much earlier in March. However, last year we lost a lot of plants to a late frost and we’re fairly timid about it. Plants will likely go in the ground much later this year, which does push our harvest well into August and early September instead of harvesting in late July and early August as we did last year.

The sheet of paper there is a chart that shows what each spot in the tray contains.

This simply helps us keep track of the planting. Also, here’s our garden calendar – the calendar itself is actually a free bank calendar with a bunch of astrological information already on it.

Notice we’ll be planting the lettuce on Friday or Saturday. Lettuce is hardy and will survive a spring frost or two. Our April calendar has quite a few dates marked in a similar fashion.

In a month or so, we’ll offer an update discussing the planting process.

I received a heart wrenching email from a reader that I’m going to call “Peggy.” Here’s a few excerpts from that email:

[...] In short, we are going to have to be out of our house by October 24. We’re going to move in with [my brother] and his family for a while and then later try to find a place to rent.

We made bad money mistakes and we know what we did wrong. We should have never bought our house. We should have never got that mortgage. We just tried to make the best life possible for [their eight year old son].

So here’s my problem: we haven’t told [our eight year old son] about this yet. We don’t know what to tell him or where to even start. This is the only home he remembers living in.

My mother thinks we shouldn’t tell him anything. We should just say were moving to a new place and we’re going to live with [my brother] for a while.

But [he]’s smarter than that. He knows there is something going on and he won’t fall for it.

What should I tell him?

This email (which, admittedly, I edited a fair amount to protect the privacy of Peggy, her son, and the rest of her family) caused a more painful reaction for me than anything I’ve read since I’ve started writing The Simple Dollar. I look at my almost three year old son and I can’t imagine having to explain to him in a few years why we have to move out of this house that he’s grown up in.

Needless to say, over the last few days since I received the email, I’ve spent a ton of time thinking about Peggy’s situation. It’s the first reader email I’ve brought up with my friends, and I also mentioned it on Twitter, just to try to get more angles and perspectives on it.

My first reaction was to agree with Peggy’s mother and encourage Peggy to simply not talk about it. It’s a very frightening time when you’re losing your home. I can’t imagine explaining it to a child. You’re in some ways ripping away one of their basic elements of security in the world.

Some further reflection brought me to a different conclusion, though. My thoughts actually began to turn around when I was taking my son to daycare. He’s just a bit short of three years old. We stopped at a gas station on the way because gas was clear down to $2.89 and I wanted to fill up my tank.

I told him we were going to stop at the gas station and he asked if we needed gas. I told him that we didn’t, but that I wanted to get gas now because it was really cheap – that way, we could have more money left over to buy other things. He immediately shouted, “So we can buy more pizza with wheels!” (His favorite food is a plain cheese pizza with black olives on it – pizza with wheels.)

My two year old son understood the basic idea of budgeting: sometimes you need to spend less on some things so that you can afford other things. In the end, that’s the basic reason why one would lose a house to foreclosure. Conceptually, an eight year old should be able to understand it.

I asked a few people I know who are actually parents of children between the ages of seven and nine how they would handle it, and they almost all provided passionate arguments on behalf of candor with the child, confirming my idea that candor is really the best approach here. To a certain point, of course.

If I were in Peggy’s shoes, here’s what I would do.

First, I’d spend a lot of quality time with my child right now. Even more than you do right now. You’ll need a strong bond with your child to make this go smoothly. Why? Your child needs emotional touchstones, and you need to make yourself the strongest touchstone you can during this time so that the transition is easier. It is at least somewhat likely that your child sees your current home as a touchstone, and it’ll be very hard for your child to separate, so you need to provide another rock for your child to lean on.

Spend some evenings at the park or out and about in the community doing things together, just you and your family. You can spend some evenings at home, of course, but don’t spend all of them there – try to cement that bond with your child independent of location.

Second, I’d cement the concept of a home as something you buy and sell. Point out where other houses are for sale and explain that someone is trying to sell that house. If you see a “SOLD” sign, point out that someone has bought that house from someone else that’s trying to sell it.

This firms up the idea that it’s a normal thing for people to buy and sell their houses. Be candid about it and answer the questions that your child might have. Given Peggy’s timeframe, I’d try to do this several times in the next few days.

Third, I’d use some candor to explain the situation to the child. Simply tell the child that the family needs to live in a smaller house because the house they live in now is too expensive. They don’t have enough money to keep paying for that house. Do it in a caring way – a serious talk, but without overwhelming emotion and no aggression at all.

Your child is going to have questions. Answer them as simply as you can. You don’t have to get into the nuances of ARMs. Just say that we got to make little payments on the house at first, but now the payments are bigger and we have to choose between things to spend our money on. My two year old could largely understand this and several other parents have assured me that their seven, eight, and nine year olds could get it, too.

Finally, make the changing experience seem as fun as you can. Get your child involved in packing things up. Take pictures of box contents together for easier packaging. Be there for your child if your child has a hard time with this – the child might or might not get upset during the process.

The most important thing is to be there for your child. You are that child’s constant through this difficult time of change. Take that very seriously, because your child will probably really need that emotional safety at this time.

Yesterday, I called my parents just to see how they’re doing. I usually give them a call two or three times a week and talk for most of an hour, mostly with my mother.

During the conversation, we talked about my father’s health. He’s in his mid-sixties and still in pretty good shape, but he’s lost a step or two from when I was a kid. He’s still incredibly active, but he can’t spend a whole day cutting firewood like we would do when I was a kid.

Another interesting aspect of the conversation is that since I’ve moved into parenthood, clearly establishing my own family, my parents have opened up to me about things that they previously didn’t talk about. My parents have revealed to me some minor health scares over the last few years – things they would have never told me about when I was younger. Thankfully, they’re both doing completely fine right now, but those little scares really make clear one fact.

My parents are starting to get old.

In a lot of ways, it’s hard for me to take. I think of my early childhood, when my father was in his thirties and my mother was in her twenties. I remember when I was about ten or eleven and my father would come out in the driveway, pull off his shirt, and we’d play basketball. I remember my mother rolling out of bed in the morning and not slowing down until she fell in bed in the evening, raising kids, canning vegetables, doing laundry, and countless other things. I remember when it seemed like my parents’ house was always full of kids – not just me and my brothers, but countless neighbors and other people. My parents were basically surrogate parents of a lot of kids that lived near us.

Now, it’s just the two of them. My father’s beard has turned white, as has my mother’s hair. They’re both retired and living on Social Security and a pension.

And when I see them, I realize something has happened. We’re moving from the time where they took care of me to the time when I should help take care of them.

But what does that really mean? What kind of help should I provide for my parents? What kind of help do they actually need? What does their situation really look like? Would they be happy if I took an interest, or would they not like it at all?

I know I certainly wonder about these questions, and I have for quite a while. I’ve read through It Pays to Talk multiple times along with countless other articles and materials on the issue, reflecting not only on how to talk to my own parents, but how others can talk to their parents about these issues. Here are the key tactics I’ve found for making it work.

Know where you stand
Before you even think about addressing such a conversation with your parents, spend some time really understanding exactly what you want out of this. Are you authentically expecting a piece of the estate? Will you be authentically hurt if your parents are in a lot of debt that they didn’t tell you about? Why? What if they are making unexpected choices with their estate, like leaving more to one child than another or leaving most of their money to an organization you don’t agree with? How does that make you feel? Would these things make you angry?

At an earlier point in my life, I was often frustrated when I thought about such things. It took me a while to really realize that these choices are my parents’ choices, and theirs alone. My role should just be to help them and to make sure that their wishes and choices are carried out just as they wish. If you still harbor strongly-held opinions on what you think they should be doing (not in terms of specifics, but in general direction), you’ll likely have a difficult time having a constructive conversation. Spend some time reflecting carefully on it and don’t move forward with a discussion until you can do so with a clear mind, a clean conscience, and a clean heart.

Be straightforward and thoroughly honest
Usually, such a talk with your parents isn’t a path you’ll take unless you’re harboring some concerns. You are far better off clearly stating those concerns right up front, as clearly as you can. Say exactly what’s in your mind and in your heart, even if it’s not a comfortable thing to say. If you’re worried about how they’ll pay for their retirement years, say so. If you’re worried about what they expect of you in those years, say so. If you’re worried about whether they’re in a situation where they’ll have to work forever, say so. If you’re worried about their estate planning and whether or not it’s in place at all or whether it actually reflects what they want, say so.

You are a concerned child. You love your parents and you want their final years to be as good as possible. You also want to make sure that their wishes are carried out in the event of their demise. Speak from the heart and make it clear that you love them, care for them, and want these things to happen for them.

Get appropriate people involved
This need not be just a talk between you alone and your parents. You may want to get some or all of your siblings involved with this process as well and perhaps other family friends or relatives involved. Don’t just view this as a situation between you and your parents, because it’s bigger than that – it’s about helping your parents plan their future.

If you’re involving siblings and other members, you may want to talk with them first and suggest that they read this article. They should also be on the side of helping your parents come up with strong and sensible plans for their later years.

Remember, though, that you don’t have to involve others. There may be good reason to just make this a conversation between just you and your parents. Just don’t immediately exclude people when you consider it.

Choose a pleasant and comfortable environment
You should choose an environment and situation for such conversations that makes everyone feel as comfortable as possible. If your parents are still living in the house you grew up in, this is probably the best choice. Make sure everyone involved as some basic amenities available to them – good coffee or other beverages, a simple snack, and so forth. If the place needs straightening up, do it in advance before talking.

The point is to do everything you can to maximize everyone’s comfort level. This discussion is likely to push some comfort zones a bit, so you should take every effort to reduce any other potential intrusions on comfort as well as provide little touches that help reduce inhibitions and raise everyone’s comfort. You’re much more likely to have everyone involve express some candor if everyone feels as comfortable as possible in the situation.

Check your ego (and temper) at the door
It can be tempting to believe that you know the best solution for your parents and that any talk you have about the situation should just be a matter of you telling them what they should do. That’s ego, and it should not be a part of this conversation. Similarly, you may find yourself getting angry at your parents because they aren’t following the same logical path that you would follow. That’s anger, and it shouldn’t be a part of this conversation, either.

Your role here is to be assistance for them unless they ask you to be more than that. You should have your own ideas, of course, but that does not mean your parents should immediately jump on board and follow those ideas. If you find yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a break. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, and just sit there for a minute and collect yourself. Remember that these are not your choices. You’re merely trying to help your parents make their own choices.

Ask what they want, not what you want
In many families, there are going to be family political angles to this talk. You might view this situation as competition with your siblings for some share of the estate or perhaps you view this as an opportunity to keep some undeserving child out of the picture.

Don’t. If you go in there with this attitude, you’re focused only on what you want. Such thoughts and goals aren’t about your parents, they’re about you. The purpose of having a talk with your parents about their situation is to help them, not help you. Ask what they want, and abide by it. Don’t tell them what they want – because, likely, that’s what you want – and they’ll know it.

Open the books together
If your parents are in a deep debt situation, they may want to just tell you what the situation is and not show you. The real truth lies in the numbers and raw facts of the situation, and you can’t actually help them without knowing the truth of their situation.

If you find yourself in this situation, suggest that you walk through all of the information together – in fact, this is always a good policy to follow. If they refuse, then you should not give them further advice, since you’d be offering ideas and suggestions based on incorrect information. You can talk about issues such as estate planning, but in terms of helping them or offering help, you can’t make a fair or reasonable offer or suggestion with incorrect or false information as a basis. Tell them that you would love to help them, but you don’t want to mislead them along the way, and leave it at that. They may choose to come around later, but that’s out of your control.

Remember, giving advice based on false data is giving extremely bad advice. You may be driven to help, but giving them advice when you suspect that the underlying information is wrong doesn’t help – it hurts. If you find yourself here, back away in the most pleasant way you can.

Look at what they’ll realistically need at retirement and after
Good topics to cover: their current budget, their current retirement savings, their target retirement date, how they’re saving for retirement, their budget after retirement, and their insurance coverage (especially health insurance and long term care insurance). These together will provide plenty of food for thought for all of you.

Be very clear on their post-retirement plans. Many parents harbor a plan to eventually live with their children, while other parents don’t have any plan at all beyond not wanting to be a bother to you. Encourage them to think about what exactly they want to do when they retire. Do they want to continue to live in their home, or do they want to downsize? What about their later years – are they planning for nursing home care? These are hard questions, but they need to be out there on the table.

Be clear about your role and how you’re willing to help – don’t waffle
Make it very clear what things you’re willing to offer to make the lives of your parents easier in their later years. If you’re open to them moving in with you, say so. If you’re able to provide some regular financial support, say so. If you’re willing to do the detail work of all of their planning, say so. Be very clear about what you can and can’t do to help them.

They may take you up on certain pieces of your offer and not others – and that’s fine. Be open to their needs and ready to help with what they want.

Walk through the necessary estate planning questions
Ask about life insurance. Ask about a will or a living trust. Clarify who the executors and/or trustees on such documents should be. Clarify where the property should be assigned to. Talk about a master information document.

Even more important, if your parents don’t have any of these, offer to help them through the process of setting it up. Quite often, people want to have such things, but they put it off because it seems like a lot of work. Having someone on hand to help you through it makes the process seem more manageable.

Offer, don’t push
When you’re talking, you’re going to have ideas and recommendations for your parents. You might even know the thing they should be doing. Don’t push. Go through the options and add what you would do, but don’t tell them which path to take. Let them make the decision.

You might find that they lean towards a different option than you’d like. Don’t fight them on it, even if you view the choice as not realistic. Instead, be consoled by the fact that they are in fact looking at the situation and making decisions and that you are aware of what those choices actually are. You can then move forward on supporting them in that choice.

Do something pleasant and unrelated afterwards
I’ve found that every time in which I’ve had to have a serious discussion with a friend or a family member on something like this, it’s been helpful to do something very pleasant and unrelated afterwards – like a family meal, for example. Don’t just walk out of the door at the end of the planning – instead, cement the bond you already share.

Follow up
Remember that this is just the first step in a long conversation. Don’t let the progress you’ve made falter. Follow up on the things you’ve pledged to do, and let your parents know that you’re concerned and are thinking about things as well. This is a process, not a one-time thing, and you need to follow up.

Good luck, especially if you’re like me and this topic has been on your mind for a while.