College-age readers (and younger), this post is directly aimed at you. Paying for college isn’t easy, whether it’s you doing it or your parents covering it for you. Unless you were very lucky in the scholarship department, someone is facing a financial hardship from this: your parents, you, your future self, or maybe even someone else. No matter who is paying for your education, there are still some principles that you should follow in order to keep your financial life and your relationship with your parents in good shape.

First, drop any resentment you have. If your parents elected not to pay for your education, that’s their choice. Do you consider yourself to be an adult? Then act like one. If you don’t consider yourself to be an adult, drop out of college, move back into your parents’ basement, and play video games for a few more years. That’ll show ‘em how mature you are.

Now that I’ve got your attention (and if you’re still here, you’re more mature than most college students), a big part of being an adult is dealing with adversity, and resentment is one of the most sure-fire ways to fail when dealing with adversity. You made the choice to go to college and this degree will benefit you and only you, so it stands to reason that you are the person who should bear the brunt of the cost. If your parents are paying for a portion (or even all) of the expense of college, that is a gift. Consider yourself very lucky, not entitled.

Second, if you’re getting nothing out of college, get out of college. If you’re just barely passing your courses and spend all of your time, well, wasting time, college may not be the place for you. Take a one year hiatus and do something completely different, something that sounds authentically exciting to you. Live like a homeless person in Europe for a year. Wash dishes in the best restaurant in town and observe what’s going on in their kitchen. Play your guitar on the street corner for change. Sign up for a volunteer corps. Do that one thing that sounds exciting to you and do it now so you aren’t wasting money sitting in your dorm room wondering what the hell you’re going to do with your life.

Third, even if your parents are covering all of it, don’t turn down opportunities for aid and scholarships. Spend some time in the financial aid office and see if there are any additional packages that can benefit your situation. Even if the cost you’re reducing is not your own, your parents will have more money with which to both spend and save for their own retirement (think of it this way: if they have more in retirement, there’s less chance you’ll have to pay for their care when the time comes). No matter what, seeking out financial aid and scholarships helps your financial picture in the long run.

Last but perhaps most importantly, take advantage of the college experience and use it to reduce costs, whether you’re footing the bill or not. I wrote about this topic in detail in the past, so I’ll just summarize by saying that college affords you a lot of ways to live cheaply and have amazing experiences on the state’s dime. Don’t spend your time dropping $200 on a new pair of pants at the mall when your campus is loaded with tons of free opportunities – and some amazing ones that can even put cash in your pocket.

No matter what, though, never spend your time in college harboring a resentment against your parents for what they did and didn’t spend on you. You are taking the reins of your own life now, and by framing your life in the context of what your parents are doing just continues the cycle of childhood. If you do nothing else because of this article, grow up and realize that as an adult you are the one responsible for the decisions. Your parents are just there to offer a helping hand if they can, nothing more, nothing less.

As a parent of a young child, I’m already struggling with the question of whether or not I should pay for my child’s post-secondary education, and how much I should pay for if I do. To put it simply, there is no easy answer to the question; if you were hoping to be told what to do, look elsewhere. Instead, here are several important points to consider if you’re thinking about how to handle financial commitments for your child’s education.

There is a solid case for no support at all. My parents gave me almost no financial support after I left for college outside of housing and food during my first college summer (the only one where I returned to my hometown). Is this better or worse? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that as a mature adult, I have some powerful reflections on the college experience from a financial perspective that I would not have now if I had financial support. Don’t assume that you have to save for your child’s education; instead, ask yourself what is right.

Start saving now. Every day you delay is a day that it will be harder to pay for your child’s education. If you’re going to pay for it, start now, even with small amounts. Open up a 529 college savings account so the earnings are tax-free (if used for educational purposes) and set up an automatic deduction plan so that your money goes into there automatically each week or month. This way, it will just quietly build up over time until you’re ready to use it.

Save equally for all of your children. I started my son’s 529 just before he was born and I put the same amount in it each month, along with contributing any cash gifts he receives (at least as an infant and as a toddler). If I have any children, I will do exactly the same thing for them. Just to make sure it is truly equal, I adjust the amount I deposit on an annual basis for inflation, so although my son’s earliest payments are smaller than my future childrens’ earliest payments will be, his college costs won’t be quite as great because he will attend college earlier. As far as I am concerned, the money in this account is his; it will be used first for college expenses – and if he doesn’t need it then, it will be given to him for post-graduation things like a home down payment. The same will be true of any other children I might have.

Don’t punish a child for success. If one child works hard and earns a scholarship, that child may be resentful if you then decide that you don’t have to pay for any of their education, but then spend tens of thousands of dollars educating that child’s sibling. What do they learn? That hard work doesn’t really matter because someone else will just step in and level the playing field anyway. Being unequal to your children can build resentment and misunderstanding. Keep what you’ve saved for that child for graduate school or, in the event that they do other things, transfer that money to them in another fashion. If you simply must do this, have an open family meeting about it with everyone involved; if you’re unwilling to do that, then you need to do some serious soul-searching about larger family issues.

Similarly, don’t reward a child for failure. If one child works like crazy to earn a lot of financial aid, while another child laughs it off, don’t reward the second child with the lion’s share of your educational savings. Just because one child is resourceful and a hard worker and another child is not does not mean one child should be given more than the other.

Be open about what you can give. Never, ever dangle a carrot in front of your child that isn’t really there. For example, while I was in grade school and junior high, my parents said that if I got into a college, they would “help me out a lot.” Well, when I finished my sophomore year in high school and got some very strong scores on my college exams and it became clear that college was in my future, they suddenly admitted to me that they had nothing at all for me and that their promises were merely a carrot to try to convince me to work harder at school. This was one of the largest disappointments of my life and it led to a short period where I basically didn’t care about getting into college at all. Never put your child into that situation.

In summary, decide early what you’re going to do, be equal and fair about it, and be clear to your child exactly what they can expect for aid.

For many young people, one of the biggest fears of financial independence revolves around what happens in the event of a disaster. Should you expect to be able to move back in if something goes awry? Will they provide financial assistance? Or are you on your own? Although it is best to expect no assistance at all and plan accordingly, it is often better for everyone to understand what others are thinking and expecting of them, so that when a crisis comes, there are no damaged expectation and damaged relationships.

Here are some ways to handle a financial crisis with regards to your parents, both before and during the crisis.

Don’t expect anything. Being independent means that you’re not depending on anyone for anything. Remember that in your independence, your parents are setting you up to be their equal, not their child. They don’t rely on their parents for support (well, if they do, there are bigger familial problems than this post can address), so if you wish to be considered an equal, why should you expect the same?

Talk to your parents about these “what ifs.” If you’re considering a move with some risk, simply find out what your parachute is like. Don’t assume anything at all; simply have a healthy conversation where everyone’s beliefs and expectations are laid out on the table. Quite often, your parents will be able to offer you assistance in nonfinancial ways that you might not even imagine.

Don’t hold a grudge if you don’t hear what you hope to hear. If you believe that your parents would help you no matter what and you hear otherwise, don’t hold a grudge against them. A healthy relationship with parents can be an invaluable thing to have through thick and thin; just because they don’t provide financial support to you any more is a poor reason to abandon that relationship.

When a crisis occurs, be open about it. Once it is clear that there is no financial expectation, you should be open with your parents about financial crises. They can provide emotional support, counseling, and perhaps other invaluable nonfinancial assistance.

Ask for their assistance in planning in advance for a crisis. This is a very useful step for protecting yourself from future mistakes. Suggest that your parents set up a savings account with you that can only be withdrawn upon with both of your signatures, then make deposits into this account as an emergency fund. Your parents may be willing to make some deposits as well. Then, if you face a financial crisis, you’ve got several things in your corner: great counselors who can provide advice and financial resources to draw upon if there is no other way out. Plus, setting up such a fund and sticking to it is perhaps the clearest sign of all to your parents that you are being successfully independent. Even better, this measure prevents you from dipping into that emergency fund for unnecessary things.

As a parent, there is a strong likelihood that at some point, your child will fail at their goals during young adulthood. Their situation may even become dire, and as a loving parent, you may feel a very strong desire to jump in and rescue your child. Before you do that, consider the following advice:

What will they learn from being rescued? A failure is first and foremost a learning experience. What will your child learn if you step in and provide immediate rescuing? Will they experience the needed pain that one needs to feel after a failure, a tempering that in the end makes one stronger? Even if you plan to offer support, it might be worthwhile to not jump in immediately with help.

First and foremost, offer counseling. Offer them an ear to talk to, not just cash to solve the problem. Rather than letting money fix things, help them to discover the resources they have inside themselves to solve their problems.

If you offer financial support, make it a one-time gift or a clearly delineated series of gifts. Never give the impression that they can get more at any time, or else they won’t learn how to pick themselves up and fix their own problems. As a parent, part of your job is to teach them life skills. Think of it this way: when they fell off of a bike when they were little, you didn’t offer to ride the bike for them. You picked them up, dusted them off, gave some encouragement, and put them back on the bike. The same principle applies here.

Offer nonfinancial assistance. You can also offer similar support as to what a nonparental friend or relative might offer: assistance in locating new work, connecting with potentially useful contacts, and so forth. This is the kind of assistance that is useful to any professional, and may be particularly useful in this case.

If the situation is truly apocalyptic, offer shelter and food. If your child has actually lost their home, you can again offer indirect aid such as housing and food, but this situation should be clearly defined as temporary, contingent on your child making continual effort to improve his or her situation and eventually fly on his or her own again. Indefinite relationships where children move back in after independence can be very, very uncomfortable for both the children and the parents.

Don’t force it. Some children are simply too fiercely independent to want to accept help, so don’t force help upon someone who does not wish to accept it. This is not an indication of a lack of appreciation or love, just a desire to be able to walk strongly on their own two feet, no matter what – an attribute that you should be proud to see in your child.

That moment when you are left without financial support for the first time can be a scary one, and it can lead to a lot of complex emotions (fear, resentment, anger, sadness) that can lead directly into irrational behavior. This is a time of independence and freedom, a time to step forward and walk on your own two feet. Where you go is up to you, but don’t go forward carrying a lot of baggage.

Here’s some advice for dealing with that first full taste of financial independence.

Resentment is a waste of time. If your parents inform you that they are cutting ties, a feeling of resentment towards them is useless. In fact, harboring such resentment is usually a clear indication that some maturity needs to happen, and the cutting of financial ties is often an event that requires people to become more mature.

Accept it as a challenge. No matter the age at which financial ties are cut, there are going to be challenges and lifestyle changes. Rather than complaining, look for ways to accept the challenge. Spend some time learning how to budget. Challenge yourself to live more frugally every day and perhaps start building up your own financial backbone.

Don’t continue to spend as though nothing has changed. The result of this is debt, and a lot of it. It’s so easy to just keep buying and use those credit cards to purchase things you don’t need, but eventually those bills will have to be repaid with interest. Now is the time to learn how to live a little leaner; buying stuff not only prolongs things, it makes the process of actually learning to walk on your own that much worse.

Keep the channels of communication open. If you’re feeling a strong sense of resentment towards your parents, you might be feeling as though you should completely cut ties with them. Think about this for a moment. They have been giving you money that they’ve earned for your entire life, since even before you were born. All they’re asking now is that you fly on your own now that you’ve transitioned into being an adult. Is this truly cause for resentment and anger?

Rather than cutting yourself off from them completely, now is the time to keep those channels of communication open wide. Tell them about the challenges you’re facing and ask for advice, not money. Think about it this way: they once went through what you went through and eventually wound up in good enough financial shape to support not only themselves, but also you (and perhaps other siblings) for your entire life, so they probably have at least some idea of how to do things.

Re-evaluate what you’re doing with your life. The cusp of financial independence is a great time to sit down, figure out your values and your goals, and determine how to work towards those goals. This process can help you really understand why you are spending money now and make you reconsider much of what you do with money.

For some, deciding when to cut financial ties is easy. In my situation, it was the day I left for college: other than birthday and Christmas gifts, I was basically on my own after that (though my mother would irregularly send me small amounts of cash with the purpose of “going out and having fun” during my first year of college).

For many others, though, finding the right time to sever financial ties can be difficult. Should it end when they go to college, or should you support them throughout their studies? Should you continue to give them money while you can “afford” it? For many families, these are questions without clear answers, and by avoiding them, you’re merely postponing the inevitable.

So when is the right time to cut ties?

When your heart even begins to hint that it’s time, it’s almost always time. Many parents tend to wait longer than necessary to cut financial ties to their children out of a sense of obligation. The truth is that by paying allegiance to this imagined obligation, you’re actually damaging their personal growth by supplying them with financial support.

When your parents cut ties with you. Think back to that period and ask yourself whether that was the right time – and whether you learned important things from that separation. This is the best example you have in your life of how to cut the ties, so use it as a frame of reference to decide what is right for you.

When your children are using the money to buy many frivolous things. If you see that your children are buying brand new automobiles and other items that are clearly beyond their means without your support, it’s time to consider cutting the support because they’re beginning to use your support as part of their expected salaries.

When they begin to expect and demand what you give them. When support of an adult begins to transform from assistance to entitlement, it’s time to stop giving and let them start living.

Here are some tips for when the time comes to cut financial ties.

Make it clear why you’re doing it. Don’t just call them up and say, “In six months, you’re done,” because that will just cause resentment. Instead, call them up and reinforce the fact that you feel they are ready to be on their own. Don’t let it be about money, let it be about independence and respect for a maturing individual.

Give plenty of forewarning. Do not just cut ties without warning, because they may have made financial commitments relying on your support. Instead, give them a cutoff date that’s very clear (a calendar date, not “in about a year”). You might also want to start slowly reducing the support.

Offer advice and nonfinancial support. Offer as much advice as they want, but don’t thrust it upon them. While doing this, be very careful to follow some basic advice for talking about money to adult children. Don’t be pushy about it, but make it possible for them to come to you.

In short, you should frame the conversation about independence and respect, not around dollars and cents.

Earlier today, I discussed methods for parents of young adults to talk to their children about money. Now, I’m going to tackle the opposite direction: how can a young adult (a college student or a young professional) discuss financial matters with their parents?

Many college students dread talking to their parents, mostly because they believe they’ll be perceived as failures and let their parents down. Thus, when a major talk comes, they go in with a combative attitude and things don’t go very smoothly at all. It’s a scenario I’ve seen repeat itself time and time again, and it’s one that is easily avoidable.

Here are several things that you can focus on in order to make a financial discussion with your parents go much easier.

Don’t be angry. Quite often, parents will make statements and suggestions that provoke a sense of anger in the child, even if that’s not their intention. If you find yourself getting angry during this talk, look like you’re thinking, count to ten, and then ask yourself why exactly you got angry. Usually, it’s defensiveness, so ask yourself what you’re defending and why. In many cases, you’re defending a paper castle, something that you’d be better off revealing than hiding.

If their attitude makes you uncomfortable, ask questions. If they appear superior and condescending, ask them calmly if they’ve ever been in an awkward money situation before and how they dealt with it. Ask them how they would deal with your situation given that the past can’t be changed. Do it calmly and rationally above all, because anger is the one element that will cause this conversation to collapse.

Be completely open. If you are hiding things, you will only make things worse. Your life doesn’t have to be an open book, but if something is relevant to the topic, be open about it rather than hiding it. Not only will this answer more of your questions, it will encourage your parents to be more open as well.

Don’t be combative. Don’t enter into a financial conversation perceiving it to be a war, with ground gained and lost. Instead, look at it as a situation to personally improve yourself. The only way people win in conversation is if they gain a greater understanding of the issues discussed, not if they “win” or “lose.” Thus, quite often there’s nothing to argue or feel resentment about.

Ask lots of questions. The most valuable thing you can gain from a conversation is a resolution to the questions inside of you, so ask every question that comes to mind. Not only will you receive answers, giving others the chance to talk and say what’s on their mind will make them more calm and collected as well.

Many of my friends during my college and early post-college years were swimming in debt, some of them to the point of being scared to open the mail. Whenever I would suggest talking to their parents or guardians about it, their faces would freeze with an additional layer of fear, as though it was the last thing on earth they wanted to do. They feared lectures, the feared they feared letting down their parents.

Since I’ve entered adulthood, I’ve had several long talks with my parents about various issues. My parents have always been quite easy to talk to, and when I had my own child, I asked them for advice on how they made topics that were so troubling so easy to talk about. Here’s what they told me, in so many words.

Don’t push. Adult children are often trying very hard to spread their wings and fly, but they will know better than you will when the time is right to ask for advice. Don’t pressure them into a conversation unless there is a strict need for it.

Admit your own mistakes. As children enter adulthood, the relationship between you and your children has to change; you need to move from being the superhero protector into being a respected and trusted advisor and friend. Admit where you’ve messed up in the past, too. No one on earth has been financially perfect, so dredge up a few of those mistakes and add to your own humanity. This will pave the road to a great deal of openness.

If you fear there are problems, let them know that it’s okay to talk about them. Tell them this directly, and bookend it with your own admissions and flaws.

Don’t be judgemental. The world of a college student today is substantially different than the world when you were that age. The culture almost coerces you to get into at least some debt trouble by making credit access so simple without explaining the drawbacks, and also making expensive consumer goods highly desirable. Student loans are also enormous, and they also have huge expectations of a great job after graduation that aren’t always feasible because a degree today isn’t worth what it was twenty years ago. Using your own experience as an indictment on theirs is completely unfair.

Ask questions and listen. When I had “money talks” with my parents, they quickly devolved into lectures in which I would sit there and nod my head and ignore every word of it. Instead of lecturing, ask them questions about how they’re spending money and listen to what they say. Questions that delicately lead towards certain conclusions are almost always better than lectures and pointed statements.

Give your child the benefit of the doubt. There are probably some issues that your child simply isn’t comfortable discussing with you – if you think back to that age, remember the things you were uncomfortable discussing with your parents. Allow them to throw dirt over their tracks; don’t spend a lot of time trying to wheedle out something that makes them uncomfortable. Quite often, if you show yourself to be approachable and demonstrate that you’re being attentive, they’ll tell you many things anyway.

Check in – but not too often. Some parents believe that when the child is out the door, you should let them call you; others try to call multiple times a day and still micromanage their lives. The best balance is somewhere in between: give them space, but remind them that they’re loved and that they have support. My parents called a lot at first (I was the only person I knew at my college and I got very homesick), but as time went on, they scaled back slowly, to the point where I called them more than they called me.

Tomorrow, we’ll expand on that final point and look in detail at the process of cutting ties, financial and otherwise.