Much of the material up to this point in Never Eat Alone occurs offline, in face to face meetings.

But, as you sit there reading this article, the obvious is true. Many of our interactions today take place online. We’re hyperconnected.

Just fifteen years ago, when I was in high school, I would have to stay home waiting by the phone as people played phone tag to make plans. Conversations were infrequent and the vast majority of socialization happened face to face. Today, most teenagers are in constant contact with each other via texting. The vast majority of their socialization takes place through social networking and instant messaging protocols.

That’s a tremendous change, and it’s rippling throughout our world. Quite a lot of my communication with others happens via email and Skype. Thanks to sites like Facebook and Twitter, people can get to know others quite well without ever meeting face to face.

Ferrazzi digs into this a bit in the closing chapter of the book.

Community and Alliances
As communication becomes easier and easier, alliances and relationships will become ever more important. On page 291:

Rugged individualism may have ruled for much of the nineteenth and twentieth century. But community and alliances will rule in the twenty-first century. In the digital era, when the Internet has broken down geographical boundaries and connected hundreds of millions of people and computers around the world, there’s no reason to live and work in isolation. We’ve come to realize, again, that success is not contingent on cool technology or venture capital; it’s dependent on whom you know and how you work with them. We’ve rediscovered that the real key to profit is working well with other people.

The vast majority of my work is conversation.

My day is usually filled with reading tons of emails and comments. I’ll then take from those emails and comments some ideas on what people are thinking about, and those provide the seed for future articles.

I’ll spend the day working on articles that are seeded by readers. In essence, these are responses – continuations of the conversation. I’ll post them, and they themselves will receive comment.

The conversation continues.

At my previous job, I did a lot of individual work, but there was still a huge amount of collaboration and conversation involved. I would email other workers for assistance. I would communicate with our clients for feedback. I would communicate with my boss when formulating future directions.

Communication is the key to everything. Working well with others is the one skill, above all, that’s valuable today. Master your interpersonal skills and communication skills and you’ve become much, much more valuable, no matter what you’re doing.

The Rebirth of Unions
Ferrazzi forecasts an interesting development on page 293:

Old style labor unions and guilds are showing signs of revitalization. As the outsourcing of jobs outside the United States continues, and more and more of us become free agents, Americans are finding strength in membership to something larger than themselves. We’re giving our loyalty and trust not to our companies but to our peers.

I don’t believe that the idea of what a union was in the twentieth century will continue to hold. Those unions are dinosaurs, large, dying behemoths locked in a struggle of mutual assured destruction with other dying behemoth corporations.

Instead, the future of unions is in actually caring about your peers and helping them to succeed directly. It won’t be some collective bargainer that you pay to negotiate a slightly better wage or better conditions for you. It’ll be a good relationship with the guy in the other department who will help you out when you need it.

I’m about as “free agent” as one can get. Yet, I’m part of an organization much like this – LifeRemix. The handful of people in this small group are peers. We all write (in various media) materials that strive to help others succeed in life. Because of that, we often have similar experiences and utilize similar resources.

By sharing those experiences and resources with each other, all of us in that group benefit. I’ve established great interpersonal relationships with many of them virtually and I look forward to meeting many of those people in the future.

What Is Our Legacy?
After all of this, what are we leaving behind in this world? Ferrazzi digs into this a bit on page 293:

Certainly, some of us will tally success in terms of income and promotions. Others will cite their newfound celebrity or the exciting expertise that they’ve amassed. For others still, it will be the fabulous dinner parties they throw or the aspirational contacts they’ve befriended.

But will such success feel empty? Instead of being surrounded by a loving family and a trusted circle of friends, will you only have colleagues and clients?

Sooner or later, in one way or another, we all will ask ourselves these questions. Moreover, we’ll look back on our life and wonder, What is my legacy? What have I done that is meaningful?

I don’t like to think of my own mortality. Such thoughts make me uncomfortable.

However, I do wonder (quite often, really) what my mark on this world will be.

I’m lucky in that The Simple Dollar has reached a lot of people in a positive way. I’ve read tons of emails from people who have begun turning their financial life around. I also have a book in print and another on the way.

I also have the legacy of my children. I strive to raise them well and I think (or is it hope?) that they’re starting off in the right fashion.

But what beyond that? What can I do with my life that will help as many other lives as possible?

It’s something I puzzle over all the time, and it’s starting to guide me more and more.

Some Final Thoughts
Quite a few people were surprised when I chose to dig so deeply into Never Eat Alone here on The Simple Dollar. After all, this is a personal finance blog. Shouldn’t I be talking about investments or saving money on ketchup?

Here’s the truth. I believe that successful money management comes about as a result of success in a lot of different aspects of life – and one major part of that is the relationships you build with others. Do you have a lot of people you can call a friend, both in personal and professional circles? These people provide companionship, advice, encouragement, and opportunities, almost at every turn.

In short, they’re integral to your career. They’re integral to opening personal and professional doors for you. They’re integral in helping you through the hard times in life.

People without such relationships are often in a tough spot. They have no one to call if they lose their job. They can’t organize a party when they need help re-shingling their roof. They never have the opportunity to meet the leaders in their field because they’re never invited in the door.

That’s the whole point of Never Eat Alone. Successful relationships with other people often make or break the success you experience in your own life, not just professionally, but personally, too.

For those of us who aren’t naturally socially adept, Never Eat Alone is a powerful handbook for doing just that. Even if you don’t agree with all of the ideas and tactics presented, the book is always thought provoking and it’s always pushing in the direction of building more and better relationships with the people all around you.

That, my friends, is a recipe for success in life.

Other Entries
Here are the fifteen earlier entries in the Never Eat Alone book club series. Enjoy!

Don’t Keep Score (chapters 1 and 2)
Build It Before You Need It (chapters 3 and 4)
The Genius of Audacity (chapters 5 and 6)
Do Your Homework (chapters 7 and 8)
Managing the Gatekeeper (chapters 9 and 10)
Share Your Passions (chapters 11 and 12)
Follow Up or Fail (chapters 13 and 14)
Expanding Your Circle (chapters 15 and 16)
The Art of Small Talk (chapters 17 and 18)
Social Arbitrage (chapters 19 and 20)
Anchor Tenants (chapters 21 and 22)
Build and Broadcast (chapters 23 and 24)
The Write Stuff (chapters 25 and 26)
Build It and They Will Come (chapters 27 and 28)
Find Mentors, Find Mentees, Repeat (chapters 29 and 30)

Just over a year ago, I wrote an article entitled “How to Find and Utilize a Mentor, No Matter What You’re Doing.” In it, I discussed strategies for identifying a mentor in one’s community and adopting that person as your mentor.

What I didn’t discuss in detail was the value of a mentor. Why would you want to have one?

The most valuable reason to have a mentor, I’ve found, is that a great mentor is a boundless source of advice that actually works. If you manage to get a successful elder statesman as your mentor, they likely have forgotten more about your area of interest than you’ll ever know. That wisdom can be incredibly helpful to you as you start out and grow into your area of interest.

Beyond that, a mentor can be a great source for connections and other resources to help you grow. They can put the word out for your fledgling career or entrepreneurial endeavor.

I believe a mentor is one of the most valuable things a person can find in their career or entrepreneurial journey.

The Historical Nature of Mentoring
On page 274, Ferrazzi puts mentors in a historical context:

No process in history has done more to facilitate the exchange of information, skills, wisdom, and contacts than mentoring. Young men and women learned their trade by studying as apprentices under their respective craftsmen. Young artists developed their individual style only after years working under elder masters. New priests apprenticed for a decade or more with older priests to become wise religious men themselves. When finally these men and women embarked on their own, they had the knowledge and the connections to succeed in their chosen field.

My belief is that the world would be better off if we returned to this sort of apprenticeship in most career fields. There are very few career fields today that do not require a pretty large skillset and isn’t benefitted by quite a lot of additional knowledge. Incorporating some form of apprenticeship into a field means that new entrants learn all of these things under the careful eye of a person who has learned them.

Yes, in many cases, apprenticeship already exists informally. I had several strong mentors during my early years that taught me many, many things. Yet, even then, it was limited. They were mentors to me out of the goodness of their heart, taking time out of their busy schedules to teach me things. On the other hand, as a proper apprentice, one would actually be very strongly tied to one’s master, doing much of their grunt work but also fine-tuning one’s skills and knowledge base over a long period of time.

Mentoring alone is incredibly helpful and it has spawned many a successful professional. Apprenticeship offers even more, yet we seem to have abandoned it culturally due to our impatience and our drive for profits. Is that a good thing? For quarterly returns, yes it is. For long term growth of skill-based fields, it’s not at all.

Everyone Has Something to Offer
In some ways, almost everyone you meet in life can be a mentor. On page 276, Ferrazzi spells this idea out:

The fact is, from my father’s perspective, everyone had something to offer. When he’d go out for his weekly sit-down at a local diner with his friends, he took me along. He wanted me to be comfortable with older, more experienced people and to never fear seeking their help or asking them questions. When my dad would show up with me in tow on a Friday night, his buddies would say, “Here’s Pete [my father's nickname] and Re-Pete [my nickname to his buddies].”

This passage really struck me because it points to something really important about mentorship: you can learn valuable lessons from almost anyone.

Here’s an example. For several years, I lived in an apartment about three miles from my workplace. It was in a large town that had solid mass transit available, so I would go out of my apartment building each day, walk a little ways, and there would be a bus stop. I’d wait for the bus there and ride it to work.

Most mornings, the same small group of people would be there at the same time and, over time, I got to know them. Many of them were professionals in other departments at the same place of employment. From those people, I learned a lot. They taught me how to speak up. They taught me how to diminish my intimidation factor (I’m a very tall, broad shouldered guy and can inadvertently intimidate people on occasion) and how to seem more friendly. They taught me about the nuances of office politics and gave me lots of advice on how to deal with difficult situations I was facing.

And they were just people at the bus stop. Yet, still, they were useful mentors who taught me a lot.

When you keep your ears and eyes closed, you miss out on a lot of valuable lessons.

Getting a Mentor
How exactly do you build up a relationship with someone who might be a primary mentor of yours. On pages 281 and 282, Ferrazzi offers up some strong ideas:

The best way to approach utility is to give help first, and not ask for it. If there is someone whose knowledge you need, find a way to be of use to that person. Consider their needs and how you can assist them. If you can’t help them specifically, perhaps you can contribute to their charity, company, or community. You have to be prepared to give back to your mentors and have them know that from the outset. [...]

If, however, there are no immediate opportunities for help, you must be prudent and conscious of the imposition you’re placing on that person. Almost every day, some ambitions young man or woman sends me an email that states all too directly, “I want a job.” Or, “I think you can help me. Take me on as your mentee.” I shudder at how deeply these young folks misunderstand the process. If they’re going to get my help, and they haven’t even offered their help in return, then at minimum they should attempt to endear themselves to me. Tell me why you’re special. Tell me what we have in common. Express gratitude, excitement, and passion.

I get emails all the time from bloggers who have just started a blog. They have maybe two or three posts up and they write to me essentially demanding that I take the time to visit their site and give them thorough feedback on what they’ve done.

In essence, these people are asking me to be their mentor. They’re asking me to give my experience and careful advice to them. Often, it’s in exchange for nothing, and just as often, they’ve given me nothing in return for it, not even the basic start of a conversation.

Now, if they happen to be presenting a blog that might be interesting to me, I’ll check it out, but most of the time, I just delete these emails. The people making such requests do not want to establish any sort of relationship. They just want to be handed a recipe to get themselves a few more page views.

On the other hand, several much wiser bloggers have started out by emailing me questions and observations about The Simple Dollar. They’ve written long posts, linking back to my site and debating what I have written. After an extensive conversation, then they might ask for some specific help, and at that point, I’m very happy to oblige.

The role of the mentee isn’t just to take. Every relationship is an exchange, and if you’re not offering to exchange anything, the other person likely won’t offer anything, either.

The Myth of a Work-Life Balance
On page 287, Ferrazzi attacks the idea of a balance between professional and personal life:

When it became clear to me that the key to my life was the relationships in it, I found there was no longer a need to compartmentalize work from, say, family or friends. I could spend my birthday at a business conference and be surrounded with warm and wonderful friends, as I recently did, or I could be at home [...] with equally close friends to celebrate.

To put it simply, once you figure out what your true central values are in life, the boundary between “work” and “personal” becomes a non-issue. In every aspect of your life, you just seek those true central values and do whatever is most in line with them.

For me, my central values are my children and my personal and intellectual growth. Almost every activity I choose to do, whether it’s work related or personal, seeks to push me in one of those two directions. I try hard to grow intellectually due to my work, and I push through the drudgery to earn income so I can support my children. I’ll spend long afternoons playing with my children and taking them to intellectually-stretching events or playing mentally challenging games with them or engaging them in social situations. My favorite pastime with friends is to play a game with them that requires me to think. I’ll happily invite anyone over that’s interesting to me and makes me grow somehow as a person, whether I know them through my professional work or they’re a close personal friend.

In the end, what’s the boundary? My only boundary of any sort is that I’ll turn off my cell phone if I want to engage in a focused activity with my children. Aside from that, pretty much anything goes.

I know what’s important to me and everything balances on that. The details? I’ll figure them out as I go along if my central values are in the right place.

There Is No Equation
What if you have multiple central values and you try to balance them? Ferrazzi, on page 287, argues that there is no equation that can be balanced:

The kind of false idea of balance as some sort of an equation, that you could take this many hours from one side of your life and give it to this other side, flew out the window. And with it went all the stress of trying to achieve that perfect state of equilibrium we read and hear so much about.

In essence, what Ferrazzi discovered is that the best way to spend your time is the way that mixes your various core values and interests the best.

One of the key highlights in my life is inviting friends over. I love to socialize. I love preparing meals for guests. I also love conversation with intelligent people and engaging in thought-provoking activities with them. This balances several key values in my life all at once.

What I learned, though, is that I get even more value out of this if I simply disregard the professional-personal barrier in terms of who I invite. For instance, the thought of inviting J.D. and his wife to a dinner party with several of my own personal friends sounds like it’d be incredibly enjoyable for everyone. There is no line between personal and professional there at all – it’s just people I like that I find interesting. The only difference is in how I connected to them.

I spend my time looking for activities with synergy throughout the various core values and passions in my life. I love taking my children to the grocery store, for example. It provides countless teaching opportunities, a fair amount of playfulness, the ability to riff on my passion for cooking, plus countless opportunities to jot down ideas for posts for The Simple Dollar. Where’s the line between personal and professional there? To put it simply, there isn’t one.

There’s just me.

Who Are You Spending Time With?
Ferrazzi ties these points together in an interesting way on page 288:

If you buy into the myth of balance (the one that sees life as an equation), as I once did, the answers to such questions as “If I’m so ‘accomplished,’ why aren’t I having more fun?” or “If I’m so ‘organized,’ why do I feel so out of control?” is to “simplify,” “compartmentalize,” or “reduce” your life into its most essential components.

So we try to save time by eating our lunches at our desk. We have less serendipitous conversations with colleagues, strangers, and other “nonessentials” at the water cooler. We consolidate our schedules to include only the most important actions.

People tell us, “If you just get more organized, if you strike a balance between work and home, and limit yourself to the important people in your life, you’ll feel better.” That’s just totally misguided. What they should be saying is “I gotta get a life filled with people I love.” The problem, as I see it, isn’t what you’re working on, it’s whom you’re working with.

Think about it this way. How many of your coworkers would you choose to spend time with if you didn’t work with them? If that number is very low, then it’s likely you have a strong desire to separate work and personal life. If it’s high, it’s likely that you do fill your social calendar with these people and thus you have a naturally balanced life, balanced in the way you want.

Ferrazzi’s argument isn’t that you should devote your life to work – I know that’s what at least a few readers thought when they read this. Instead, he’s saying devote all of your time to what you enjoy doing and the people you enjoy doing it with. Boundaries aren’t all that important.

The more time you find yourself spending doing things you don’t like doing with people you don’t like spending time with, the lower your quality of life is. There’s no paycheck worth chasing that’s worth sacrificing so much of the happiness in your life.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the final chapter – “Welcome to the Connected Age” – and I’ll share some final thoughts.

One major challenge for many people is how exactly to find people to connect to. Many of the typical social methods people use to meet each other are shots in the dark, hoping that you find someone compatible.

Ferrazzi is a big proponent of clubs and community organizations. If you dig around, there are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of these in your local area, but many people never put in the footwork to find such organizations.

Over the years, I’ve been a member of many, many such groups, and I have to agree – they’re often useful in building relationships and providing a great way to spend time. In my experience, the best organizations are the ones that combine the camaraderie of a club with a natural passion that you already have.

Join a Club
Ferrazzi lays out the reasoning behind joining a club or organization on page 261:

All clubs are based on common interests. Members are united by a similar job, philosophy, hobby, neighborhood, or simply because they are the same race, religion, or generation. They are founded by a common proposition that is unique to them. They have, in other words, a reason to hang out together.

Take a look in the mirrow. Who are you? Where do you live? Where did you go to school? What do you believe in? The answers to these questions give you things that you have in common with other people, and this can often be the basis of participation in organizations.

Perhaps your school has an alumni association. Perhaps you’re a believer of a certain religion. Perhaps you engage in a particular hobby that others might share. Maybe you suffer from a certain medical condition, or have survived a certain social situation.

Whatever it is, there’s either an organization out there that will help you find people that you have something in common with or you can start such a group yourself. The people you meet will not only be easy to meet, but many will have social worlds that don’t overlap your own, giving you many opportunities to get to know people in different areas and stages and walks of life.

Bring Something Extra
On page 261, Ferrazzi talks about your unique selling proposition:

At a time like this, you have to figure out what is your U.S.P. – your “unique selling proposition,” for all you non-MBA types out there. What secret sauce can you bring to the table? Your proposition can be an expertise, a hobby, or even an interest or passion for a particular cause that will serve as the foundation from which an entire organization or club can be established.

When you join a club – or, especially, when you start your own – you need to bring something unique and interesting to the table or else you’ll just stand out. Perhaps it’s nothing more than a willingness to participate and take on the difficult tasks. Perhaps it’s a set of resources that you have that you can contribute to the group. Maybe it’s personal talent.

An example: when in college, I joined a computer group, where people would trade software and computer parts, build computers for people, and give each other advice. The group was somewhat anarchical, though, and the job of president – the person who had to interact with the college and arrange rooms for meetings and the like – was thankless, though people did appreciate that someone was willing to do it. For one (long) year, that was me. Because of that year, I built up several long-lasting friendships, resulting in two separate guests at my wedding a few years later.

Whatever it is, having that extra “something” will help you become an integral part of any group and make it possible for you to meet lots of people. Stand up, offer what you can, and good things will happen.

Clubs Aren’t for Rich White People
On page 263, Ferrazzi eschews the “rich white guys” notion of what a club is:

The days when clubs were only for wealthy white men to consort with people just like themselves are over. It doesn’t matter if it’s a group of carpet salespeople meeting weekly to discuss the trials and tribulations of their jobs; a roundtable of female Republicans who are dissatisfied with the stance of their state party; or a group who share a passion for great wines and who come together monthly to do tastings, hear vintners who are traveling through the area, and who plan an annual trip to Napa. Whatever it is and whoever you are doesn’t matter.

The idea that a “club” is just an exclusionary group of like-minded people who don’t want anyone else interfering in their ways died along with the pet rock. Sure, there are still a few such archaic groups around, but most groups simply aren’t like that, and if you use the fear of exclusion to keep you from dabbling your toes in the water, you’re making a big mistake.

The entire purpose of a group is to meet people that overlap in some demographic fashion, whether it be a hobby or a belief or a location or a political affiliation or something else. That overlap is the one thing that matters.

Yes, maybe some groups that seem like they would fit simply don’t fit, but it’s not because of exclusion. It’s usually because of personality clash.

The Value of a Club
The compelling reason for club membership is spelled out on page 264:

As long as it’s an association of people with shared interests meeting in a specified place (even if that place is cyberspace), you’ll benefit from belonging to something larger than yourself. You and your fellow members will be strengthened by a collective identity. And whereas with business, where boundaries of most relationships are clearly defined by a specific project or deal and end when that project or deal is done, membership in a club (preferably a club you’ve started) will lead to friendships that will last for years.

Being in a club means that you’re building a bond with other people that goes beyond the minutiae of the day. People come together in clubs because of common interests and beliefs and passions, not because they’re made to out of business or because it’s convenient.

That’s why clubs are often the best opportunity for building new friendships and connections in your area. The people in that room share something that transcends the ordinary. Often, they work together to build something even more interesting and exciting. That environment is the type of place where relationships and friendships thrive.

Take some time and find out what groups, clubs, and organizations are available in your area and give them a shot, whether it’s a book club at the library or a hunting club at the local range. Whatever it is, if it matches you, you’ll likely match it.

Momentum
Whenever people start building a lot of new relationships, these relationships often snowball. Friends will constantly introduce you to new friends, and so forth. Ferrazzi looks at this more deeply on page 268:

The pursuit of a powerful network of friends is not in and of itself a bad thing. But the closer you get to powerful people, the more powerful you tend to feel. There is a point where your reaching out to others will pick up momentum; one powerful contact will lead to another and then to the next. It can be a very fun and motivating and important ride.

At one point in my earlier career, I noticed that this very phenomenon happened to me. At one point, I completed a pretty substantial project and was able to share the results of that with a large number of people. Later, at a large conference (the first of its kind I had attended), I would meet up with these people and they were constantly introducing me to others. By the end of it, I knew many of the key people there, pushing one of my friends to comment that it sure didn’t seem like I was a first-timer.

If you provide something of value to others and make a sincere effort to befriend them, help them, and maintain a connection, they’ll remember you. When the time comes, they’ll introduce you to people they know and you’ll get to know new people. Eventually this will reach critical mass – people will talk positively about you when you’re not around, realizing that they have you in common, and this will often bolster your reputation strongly without any effort from you. You’ll get calls and messages out of the blue from people wanting to know you.

It’s awesome. It works. It really happens. But it requires being a sincere and helpful friend to a lot of people over a long period of time.

Vanity
Unfortunately, that kind of success can lead to vanity. On page 268:

Don’t let a little vanity seep into your actions or excite more expectations or create a deeper sense of entitlement. Don’t get your Ph. D. in master connecting, and then, for some reason, forget all the classes and values that were your foundation.

Everyone fails in life. What will you do when the phone calls that were once returned immediately no don’t even get a response?

It’s easy to think that you really are awesome and that a gravy train of success will keep on running. Inevitably, though, something happens. We all fail. We all do something we shouldn’t.

The end result of that is sometimes connections close right in your face, and often even a domino effect can occur as the story of your mistake spreads.

What happens then? You rely on your old friends, the ones who have been around for a long time. The only problem there is that if you’ve stopped being true to who you are, you’ve also stopped being true to them – and it’s likely they won’t be there for you.

If you begin to think you’re better than people you once thought of as a valuable equal, it will eventually backfire on your face. Remain humble, and remember who your truest friends are and the values that helped you to start opening the doors in the first place. If you stick to those values and beliefs, you’ll do all right.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the twenty-ninth and thirtieth chapters – “Find Mentors, Find Mentees, Repeat” and “Balance is B.S.”

When I was in high school, I had dreams of being a writer. I read prodigiously, wrote mediocre short stories, and imagined myself publishing a long line of novels when I was older.

My English teacher was surprisingly supportive of this, even though I never directly told him of my dreams. He constantly reinforced to me that I had some writing ability, but that I really needed to work at it to polish it. He would grade my papers with an extra sharp pen, taking off points for things that other students would have gotten away with.

My dream of being a writer went away for almost a decade, but I never stopped writing. I wrote something almost every day, not because I thought I was good, but because I thought it was fun. Little did I know that I was developing a personal trait that would serve me well throughout my professional life. I found myself writing reports and many other documents (things that I probably shouldn’t have been writing – they should have been the domain of my supervisor) while at my previous job, then my writing opened the door to The Simple Dollar as well.

I have little talent as a writer. Any ability I have comes from a lot of practice. However, that practice has built up a skill that’s marketable enough that I can use it to earn a living.

How to Use Writing to Build Relationships
Ferrazzi carries this idea forward on page 246:

If you have any writing skills at all – and yes, the good news is we all have some level of skill – you can get close to almost anywhere by doing a piece on them, or with them, even if it’s for your local newspaper.

Or even for your blog, provided you’re not trying to interview a mega-superstar.

Here’s how this works. Let’s say you’re trying to get to know someone. Get ahold of your local newspaper (or other media source) and suggest that you’d like to write a freelance article about this person. Explain why they’re interesting. Get permission, then call up the interesting person in question. The fact that you’re calling for a story about them will flatter them – unless, of course, they’re a major star of some sort, in which case more media requests might be annoying.

This gives you a great opportunity for a conversation with them. You can then relate to them the things you’re really working on – and you can even reveal to them that you’re only moonlighting as a journalist and your primary interests are elsewhere (if that’s the case).

Then, just translate what you know and what you learned in that conversation into a short piece and submit it. You’ll likely not get paid for it – or if you do, it’s a pittance – but that’s not the point. The reason to do it is to meet a person in the community you’ve always wanted to meet.

But I Can’t Write!
Many people believe that they can’t write. However, most people can – and they can even write well enough to be quite passable in a small newspaper. All it really takes is practice. On page 247, Ferrazzi offers some great advice on this:

First, get over all the romantic pretensions around writing. In business school, when I was dreaming about publishing an article in the Harvard Business Review, I had a wonderful encounter with a visiting professor who had written a number of high-profile articles and books. I asked her how I, too, could become a writer.

“Write,” she told me.

Brows furrowed, I nodded. When no more advice came from her esteemed mouth, I asked: “Anything else.”

“Write, then write some more. When you’re done – and here’s the kicker – keep writing.

“Look,” she said, “there is no secret. Writing is tough. But people of all talents, at all levels, do it. The onlything necessary to become a writer is a pen, some paper, and the will to express yourself.”

I have no writing talent at all. What skill I do have is built from a lot of practice. I can’t turn out much truly great prose, but I can turn out a lot of good prose fairly quickly. That’s how I can post two lengthy, meaty articles a day at The Simple Dollar.

Here’s the thing, though. Anyone can do this if they practice – perhaps not at the same volume, but anyone can write a good short article if they practice at it regularly. And the ability to write a good, short piece is endlessly useful in life, not only in the “getting to know you” method described here, but in any environment that relies on communication.

The better communicator you are – and written communication is a big part of this – the better your skill set is, no matter what you do. It doesn’t require talent. It just requires practice.

Field Mice and Antelope
Ferrazzi offers a good anecdote on page 249:

Newt Gingrich, the famous Republican politician and all-about-Washington gadfly, is known to tell a story about a lion and a field mouse. A lion, he says, can use his prodigious hunting skills to capture a field mouse with relative ease anytime he wants, but at the end of the day, no matter how many mice he’s ensnared, he’ll still be starving.

The moral of the story: Sometimes, despite the risk and work involved, it’s worth our time to go for the antelope.

It’s easy to make friends and connections with your peers and particularly with people at a level below you, but the real rewards come in building relationships with people who are above you in status at work and in society in general.

Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, it takes us out of our comfort zone. But connections to the people who have found success in their life often buoy us into success as well, both directly and indirectly.

They can help with success directly by giving advice that actually works. You bear witness to their success – you identify that success with them.

They also help indirectly through association. People recognize who you’re associating with and their opinion of you goes up and down depending on who that associate is.

Isn’t That Disingenuous?
Isn’t striving to meet well-known people just for the sake of connecting with well-known people disingenuous? On page 251, Ferrazzi addresses that very point:

There are no easy answers. But if you pursue these people in a sincere manner, with good intentions, you’re not being manipulative. And if you are emboldened by a mission and you’ve put in the time and hard work to establish a web of people that count on you, then the time will come when your growing influence will put you in a place where you’ll be face-to-face with someone who can convey a lot of sparkle.

In other words, if you take the initiative to become a leader among your peers, eventually you’ll be recognized as such and the more influential people around you will be perfectly happy to meet you.

As he says, it’s not easy. It takes a lot of consistent, hard work. You need to do your work well, produce great results, and build trust with the people around you.

Over time, doing that will slowly open doors for you. And then you’ll find yourself in the same room as a legend, and it’s up to you to go over there and introduce yourself. If you don’t, you’re choosing to slam the door in your own face.

Trust
There’s one big element here that presides over everything else. From page 252:

I’ve found that trust is the essential element of mixing with powerful and famous people – trust that you’ll be discreet; trust that you have no ulterior motives behind your approach; trust that you’ll deal with them as people and not as stars; and basically trust that you feel like a peer who deserves to be engaged as such. The first few moments of an encounter is the litmus test for such a person to size up whether or not he or she can trust you in these ways or not.

To put it simply, when you approach someone purely as a fan, they don’t recognize you as a peer. Going up to someone and gushing about how incredible they are won’t make them impressed with you. It’ll make them see you as someone far down the ladder, someone to appease and then move on.

If you actually wish to know someone as a potential peer, the worst thing you can do is accost them as a fan. Instead, act as if they’re an equal, even if you’re thoroughly impressed. Offer them whatever advice and suggestions you can to improve what they do. Bounce ideas off of them.

A compliment for good work is fine. Raw adulation is rarely a good move.

What Do You Do Instead?
How do you converse instead if you’re starstruck? Ferrazzi offers up some ideas on page 253:

To assure them that you’re interested in them for themselves, rather than what the public perceives them to be, stay away from their fame and focus, instead, on their interests. You can certainly let them know that you respect their work, but don’t dwell. Take them away from what they are normally barraged with.

Once upon a time, I was lucky enough to have a very casual breakfast with a Nobel Prize winner. I could have been completely starstruck by spending time with this individual, but instead we spent most of our conversation talking about chicken farming.

Seriously.

Why did we talk about chicken farming? He was raised on a farm and was very particular about his eggs. He didn’t particularly like the eggs that had been served – they were prepared fine, but he thought the eggs themselves were really awful. I spoke up for the first time and simply said that when I grew up, we fed the chicken table scraps and pieces of grit and they produced wonderful eggs. This got him going down a very nostalgic path about chicken farming in his childhood.

At the end of the meal, he slapped me on the back and suggested I tag along with him, something I would have loved to have done had I not had other responsibilities that day.

That one event got me over my fear of meeting famous people. People in that situation have already heard a lifetime’s worth of adulation and simply wish to have a normal conversation with people interested in the same things they are. If you do that, you can make friends at any strata of life.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the twenty-seventh and twenty-eighth chapters – “Build It and They Will Come” and “Never Give in to Hubris.”

What do others think of when they think of you? Do they have any sort of a consistent image? Is the image they come up with a positive one, one that you’re happy to be associated with? Is the image an interesting one?

In marketing-speak, this is your “brand.” In terms of your future – social relationships, career opportunities, and so forth – the better and more interesting your brand is, the better off you are.

It can seem like a strange way to look at things, but it really works. We constantly make snap decisions about who to invite to events, who to call, and so on, and those snap decisions are based on a very simple image of people that we have in our mind – their brand. Quite often, that “brand” is based on simple things, things that the person could easily alter if they so chose.

The question of course becomes what can we do to improve our own brand?

Figure Out What You Want
On page 229, Ferrazzi addresses the big question underneath all of this.

What do you want people to think when they hear or read your name? What product or service can you best provide? Take your skills, combine them with your passions, and find out where in the market, or within your own company, they can best be applied.

The beginning of this whole matter lies in what you want. What do you want other people to think of you? When they hear your name, what would you like to be the first thing or two that pops into their heads?

If you spend a bit of time defining this, the conclusions that you come to will often direct you immediately towards what you should be doing with your time. If you want to be known as good at something, then you better well be good at that thing – and you need to be willing to share what you’re good at. If you want to be known as having a particular character trait, then you’d better have that character trait – and you need to exhibit it clearly to others.

Similarly, if you recognize negative traits in yourself and you don’t want people to identify you for those traits, work on them. If you think people identify you as quiet – and you don’t like it – work on it!

Looking at yourself through the eyes of someone else is a great way to figure out how you really want to present yourself to the world – and brutal honesty when doing it exposes the areas of your life that need work (and there are areas of everyone’s life that need work).

Growing Yourself
Ferrazzi reinforces that ‘grow yourself’ message on page 228:

You can’t do meaningful work that makes a difference unless you’re devoted to learning, growing, and stretching your skills. If you want others to redefine what you do and who you are within organizational boundaries, then you have to be able to redefine yourself. That means going above and beyond what’s called for. That means seeing your resume as a dynamic, changing document every year.

In other words, if you want people to see you differently, you need to start taking real action right now to make that happen. Just wishing for it won’t make it so.

If there’s some aspect of yourself that you’d like others to really notice and identify with you, you need to work on it. You need to polish it. You need to focus on it. You can’t just wish that others would notice your raw talent.

One of my closest friends is a really gifted writer, but she rarely shares what she writes. She keeps it to herself. Thus, when others think of her – both personally and professionally – they don’t think of her as a writer at all. She doesn’t have that reputation.

What can she do to change that? Write. Practice writing. Take every opportunity to get published. Share her successes as a writer by sending links out to her friends showing off her work. Make her personal website all about her writing, and include a link to it in the signature of her email. But it all comes down to one thing – she’s got to practice that writing, improve at it, and start sharing it with the world. Without that, everything else is just a pipe dream.

Be Unique
People remember uniqueness. That’s how you’ll stick in people’s minds. On page 230, Ferrazzi gives an example:

When I was younger, I used to wear bow ties. I felt that it was a signature that people would not quickly forget, and it worked. “You were the guy who spoke at the conference last year wearing the bow tie,” I’d hear over and over again. Over time, I was able to give up that signature, as my message and delivery became my brand.

My unique feature is that I’m very tall and broad shouldered, almost in a “football linebacker” kind of way. People remember me for my size.

For others, it can be trickier. However, there’s usually some way to stand out a bit in a crowd. One of my friends who’s involved in businesses wears a fedora almost everywhere he goes in relation to his work. It makes him appear a bit taller and really stands out visually. Another friend of mine – a personal trainer – has his business card done on what appears to be a piece of an Ace bandage. People remember things like that – you stick in their mind.

When you stick in their mind, you become the person that they recall later on. When they need a personal trainer, they’ll remember the guy who had the business card made out of an Ace bandage. When they think back to the conference, they’ll remember the guy with the enormous hands who gave the talk about money. They’ll remember the guy with the fedora who was astonishingly quick at remembering a large set of names (a little parlor trick he’s mastered). They won’t remember the person that didn’t bother to stand out at all.

Talk to Journalists
One of the easiest ways to get your unique story known is to talk to journalists about it. It’s easier than you think, actually. On page 233:

Journalists do less sleuthing for their stories than you’d imagine. They get a majority of their stories from people that have sought them out, and not the other way around.

This is surprisingly true. I’ve been called out of the blue by reporters who merely went to Google, typed in search terms, and found The Simple Dollar because it matched a story they were interested in.

The reverse is also true. When my first book, 365 Ways to Live Cheap, was about to be released, I attempted to drum up some traditional media about the book. I just simply contacted lots of different publications directly, telling them about the book. I did NOT do a press release – those don’t seem to work when there are people out there issuing them by the hundreds of thousands. Instead, I contacted people directly myself.

It worked. I ended up with a small flood of stories about The Simple Dollar and my book last December. Yes, just because I’m some guy writing a blog about his inability to manage money and his struggle to find a career path.

Once you’ve figured out what you want your professional brand to be (probably a mix of your passions and your personality), look at journalists as one way to spread the message. Maybe you’re a stay at home mom trying to make money selling handmade Norwegian food on the internet (and if you live in central Iowa, let me know what your lefse prices are!). Maybe you’re a government employee who spends his spare time making exquisitely-finished wood flag cases for the parents of deceased soldiers. Maybe you’re wheelchair bound and you’re writing fiction by using transcription software. Whatever it is, you probably have a story that someone would want to share. So send it out there.

Go Small
But where? Many people swing too hard and strike out quickly. On page 242, Ferrazzi offers a clue:

Are you Bill Gates? No. Maybe you’ve developed the antidote for the common cold? No again. Well, the New York Times probably isn’t knocking on your door quite yet. Go local first. Start a database of newspapers and magazines in your area that might be interested in your content. Try college newspapers, the neighborhood newspaper, or the free industry digital newsletter you find in your inbox. You’ll get the fire started and learn how to deal with reporters in the process.

In my area, I’d start with the smaller papers and the free papers. I’d also talk to people running websites that cover issues in central Iowa. If I were running a local side business like the ones I mentioned above, I’d shoot for the independents, not for the Des Moines Register – at least not at first.

Once I was comfortable talking to reporters about what I was doing – and if you’re going to go through stages of nervousness and screw up, you’re way better doing that in front of a reporter from a tiny paper than a big one – then I would move up and try to contact bigger sources. View it as a mix of practice and of ultra-local marketing of your story.

Yes, you’re marketing yourself. For some people, that’s uncomfortable. But if you’re doing something that requires others to be interested, you have to start somewhere. Start telling your story if you want people to start finding you.

Don’t Be Annoying
On page 243, Ferrazzi makes another key point about all of this:

There’s a fine line between marketing yourself properly and becoming annoying. If a pitch of mine gets rejected, I’ll ask what else it needs to make it publishable. Sometimes it will never be right in the editor’s eyes, but other times, you can answer a few more questions or dig deeper.

Sometimes people won’t be interested in what you have to say. That’s fine – just let it drop, or else find a way to re-work it. If you just keep trying again and again to catch a fish with the same old rotten bait, you’re not only wasting your time but you’re learning a bad technique through repetition.

A rejection isn’t a bad thing. It just means that what you’re saying needs some additional work to make it compelling. Many people think that if they tell their story to someone and the person is not interesting, that person is rejecting them. Rarely is that the case – usually, it’s the story that’s being rejected.

Step back and ask yourself what’s interesting about what you’re trying to do. Why would other people care about this? If you were reading about what you’re doing, what would make you want to keep reading and find out more? The better you are at answering that question, the better you’ll be able to explain that very thing to a journalist and the more likely they’ll want to write about your story – and then you both win.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the twenty-fifth and twenty-sixth chapters – “The Write Stuff” and “Getting Close to Power.”

I have a really good relationship with my pastor. She’s one of the most interesting people I know and I regularly have long conversations with her about any number of topics, from the struggle of organized Christian churches to define where they stand on social issues and the reliability of scripture as an accurate document to such things the prevalence of moose in northern Minnesota. She’s genuinely an interesting person and I’m truly glad to have had the opportunity to get to know her over the past several years.

That being said, she inhabits a completely different social circle than I do – and I inhabit a different social circle than she does. Through her, though, I’ve been able to at least make acquaintances with quite a few different people. Her encouragement to participate in different activities has made that possible.

In Ferrazzi’s terms, my pastor is an “anchor tenant.” She’s a person that gives me a foothold in a completely different world – that of pastors of Lutheran churches in Iowa and into many, many other Lutherans in our local community.

Defining Anchor Tenants
On page 192, Ferrazzi spells out the meaning of the “anchor tenant” concept:

Every individual within a particular peer set has a bridge to someone outside his or her own group of friends. We all have, to some degree or another, developed relationships with older, wiser, more experience people; they may be our mentors, our parents’ friends, our teachers, our rabbis and reverends, our bosses.

I call them anchor tenants; their value comes from the simple fact that they are, in relation to one’s core group of friends, different. They know different people, have experienced different things, and thus, have much to teach.

From this perspective, it’s easy to see that our lives are full of anchor tenants. They’re the people that we know reasonably well that simply don’t run in our usual social group.

These people are good to know, though, because they give you a foothold into a completely different world. They bring different experiences and thoughts to the table than your usual friends. They can help connect you to people that you would otherwise never know. They often have access to resources and information that you would have never conceived of.

Who are your anchor tenants? How can you connect with them a little bit better?

Inviting Anchor Tenants Over
One powerful way to build a relationship with an anchor tenant is to invite them over for a dinner party. This works very well for some anchor tenants – but which ones? Ferrazzi spells it out on page 193:

Frankly, anyone who can add a little electricity to your dinner party is an anchor tenant. Journalists, I’ve found, are terrific anchor guests. They aren’t particularly well paid (which makes them suckers for free meals), their profession has a good deal of intrigue, they are always on the lookout for good material and see such dinners as a potential avenue for new ideas, they’re generally good conversationalists, and many folks enjoy an opportunity to get their ideas heard by someone who might publicize them to a larger audiences. Artists and actors, famous or not, fall into that same category.

Ferrazzi basically outlines several traits of good anchor tenants here. Let’s walk through all of the traits.

They’re not rich. People who are well off generally attend dinner parties just purely for the socialization and conversation. People who make less income also appreciate the value of the meal itself. This means that less-well-off folks are more likely to attend dinner parties and the like, meaning they’re easier to include in your social gatherings.

Their work has a good deal of intrigue to a general audience. Journalists, artists, actors, writers, and the like usually do unusual and interesting things with their time. This means that they’ve usually got lots of interesting stories to tell and things to say – which makes them very nice to have around in a group situation.

They have an added interest in getting to know new people. People who particularly benefit from meeting new people – like journalists and politicians – tend to be good anchor tenants, since they’re always striving for new relationships and new connections.

They’re good conversationalists. People that sit there quietly generally don’t add much to dinner parties. On the other hand, people who are extroverts and willing to strike up a conversation are always good additions.

They’re doing something valuable and want to share it. Individuals who are working for something that they want others to know about usually make for good guests as well. People who work for charities or causes fall into this category.

If you start filtering people with this criteria – especially anchor tenants in your life – you’ll pretty quickly come up with a killer list for an enjoyable (and potentially very worthwhile) dinner party at your home.

Notes on Hosting a Dinner Party
Ferrazzi spends several pages on techniques for hosting a successful dinner party, which he views as being key to building a good social network. On page 198, he suggests how to handle the food, an aspect that many people balk at when thinking of trying on such an event:

There’s no sense in a party being all work. If you can’t hire a caterer, either cook all the food ahead of time or just use takeout. If the food is good and the presentation snazzy, your guests will be impressed.

These days, I usually opt for a caterer. But you can have a similarly elegant party for much less if you’re willing to get creative and spend some time preparing. The key to low-budget dinner parties is to keep it simple. Make one large dish, like a stew or chili that can be prepared a day or two ahead of time. Serve it with great bread and salad. That’s all you need.

That’s usually the plan I follow if we’re having a large number of guests. I’ll make a big pot of chili or something similar the day before. Early that morning, I’ll bake several baguettes – which are really, really easy to make – from scratch. In the afternoon, an hour or so before the meal or people begin to arrive, I’ll begin warming up the soup and slicing the baguettes, as well as preparing a tossed salad. When it’s time, I just serve everything buffet-style. This allows me to serve a very good meal without a ton of effort.

One point of advice, though: find out about dietary choices in advance. If someone’s coming that’s vegetarian or has a food allergy, be prepared for that with something else. It’s not that hard to have something additional on hand for such guests – and they usually really appreciate your thought and extra effort.

Be Interesting
Up to this point, the primary focus of the book has been on how to connect with people. However, it’s not very useful advice if you’re not interesting yourself. On page 204:

Be interesting! All that you’ve read thus far doesn’t relieve you of the responsibility of being someone worth talking to, and even better, worth talking about. Virtually everyone you meet in a situation is asking themselves a variation on one question: “Would I want to spend an hour eating lunch with this person?”

Ferrazzi’s question at the end is pretty key. Look at yourself and ask yourself honestly if you’d like to spend an hour eating lunch with that person. If the answer is no, then there’s a problem.

How can you be interesting, though? The best way to do it is usually to just express what’s on your mind. The more you hold back because you’re worried about what others might think of you, the less they think of you at all. That doesn’t mean you should be offensive or crude, but it does mean that you should share your ideas and thoughts in conversation with others as often as you can.

For many of us, this is scary. I know that, for a long time, it was scary for me to do this. I was helped greatly in getting over that fear by Dale Carnegie’s excellent How to Win Friends and Influence People. That book taught me little things that I could work on to feel more comfortable in social situations and some general guidelines on what exactly to say next when I didn’t naturally know what to say.

The Value of Being Interesting
How exactly can you be interesting to others? On page 206, Ferrazzi addresses that point:

Being interesting isn’t just abut learning how to become a good conversationalist. Don’t get me wrong, that is important, but you need a well-thought-out point of view. I honestly hop from now on you’ll be a newspaper-reading maniac ready to engage the topics of the day with anyone you meet. But being interesting and having content are very different. The former involves talking intelligently about politics, sports, travel, science, or whatever you’ll need as a ticket of admission to any conversation. Content involves a much more specialized form of knowledge. It’s knowing what you have that most others do not. It’s your differentiation. It’s your expertise.

When I read this passage, I immediately thought of academic conferences.

At a typical academic conference, most of the people there already have the content. They’re stuffed full of ideas and information related to the topic at hand. Yet many of them don’t talk to one another – they remain quiet, taking notes and sticking to their presentations.

Why is this? They have content, but they’re not interesting.

Instead, there’s usually a handful of people at these conferences that everyone knows. These people spend the whole conference carrying on conversations with others. At the end, they’ve met pretty much everyone of interest there and often have lots of people to follow up on.

Those are the interesting people. Yes, they have the content – but so does everyone else there. What sets them apart is that they also have a wide basis of general cultural knowledge, and that general knowledge helps them to connect to pretty much everyone they meet. They’ll understand the obscure joke on someone’s shirt and complement them on it. They’ll know enough about current events to strike up a chat with a guy who just sat down his newspaper. They’re culturally aware – and that makes all the difference.

A Unique Point of View
Every single person has a unique point of view. It’s only those that utilize that uniqueness that succeed in being interesting. Fron page 213:

A unique point of view is one of the only ways to ensure that today, tomorrow, and a year form now you’ll have a job.

What about you sets you apart from the rest of the world? Your family? Your personal story? Your experiences? Your particularly strange set of accomplishments? What can you break down about your story that makes you unique – or nearly so?

Mine’s simple. I grew up in an impoverished family in the Midwest and managed to make it out of that situation. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to manage that money and I fell into the debt trap that ensnares so many. As I struggled to free myself, I chose to tell the world all about my struggles. I’m also a parent.

Each element of that story is pretty common. Lots of people grow up poor. Some of them make it out. Many people grow up and live in the Midwest, which offers some distinct character traits. Lots of people wind up in severe debt trouble. Many people share their stories with the world. A few people are willing to talk openly about their money. Many, many people are parents.

But when you mix those elements together into a stew, you wind up with something that’s unique – or nearly so. That’s why The Simple Dollar works – readers know who I am and what my perspective is. They don’t have to guess at it and they can identify with some of it, but some elements are different enough that they keep reading.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the twenty-third and twenty-fourth chapters – “Build Your Brand” and “Broadcast Your Brand.”

In the past, I’ve worked with three kinds of people: information broadcasters, information sharers, and information hoarders.

The broadcasters were annoying. They would simply share gossip to the exclusion of everything else and, often, the material they broadcasted was useless. It was hard for people to build good relationships with them because anything that was said was immediately blabbed anywhere and everywhere.

Other people were information hoarders. You could at least be secure in that when you told them something, it would not be shared. Yet, these people never shared anything in return. They held onto their knowledge, content to build an empire with what they knew.

The people that were always the best to work with were the information sharers. They worked hard to acquire new knowledge and new friendships and would be discretionary in what they shared, sticking to the genuinely useful things that didn’t hurt other people. If you had questions, you could go to these people and receive information without worrying that your requests would be used against you. You wanted to work with them because they were genuinely helpful.

In this part of the book, Ferrazzi argues that those information sharers hold the real power in the world.

Become Indispensable
On page 174, Ferrazzi makes the case for why you should strive to be indispensable to others:

Real power comes from being indispensable. Indispensability comes from being a switchboard, parceling out as much information, contacts, and goodwill to as many people – in as many different worlds – as possible.

Ferrazzi basically makes the argument here that real power resides in the hands of people who have a lot of friends and acquaintances who view them as invaluable, not in the hands of the people nominally in charge (necessarily).

In almost every experience I can think of in my life, this is true. People that have a lot of strong connections and give information, ideas, and other things as freely as they can quickly become indispensable – they’re the heart of whatever organization (whether a true organization or just a group of people) they’re involved with. The person who is friends with everybody usually winds up being the leader of the group, whether or not that’s their title on the door or not.

I’ve seen companies that are basically ran by the guy on the floor who has good relationships with everyone, while the nominal president spends his time in the office with the door shut. The president could leave and it wouldn’t affect a thing – the floor leader leaves and everything falls apart.

Which position would you rather be in? The disposable one that’s out of touch and friendless, or the person who has lots of friends and is completely indispensable? Who would you rather be friends with?

A System of Bureaucracies
On page 175, a quote from Ron Burt pops up that’s really thought provoking:

“People who have contacts in separate groups have a competitive advantage because we live in a system of bureaucracies, and bureaucracies create walls,” says Burt. “Individual managers with entrepreneurial networks move information faster, are highly mobile relative to bureaucracy, and create solutions better adapted to the needs of the organization.”

When you think of our world as a system of bureaucracies, it actually makes a lot of sense. Our families are bureaucracies. Our circles of friends are each bureaucracies. Our workplace is a bureaucracy. Virtually every group we’re a part of is a bureaucracy.

The more bureaucracies you have access to, the more you can accomplish and the more valuable you become to every single bureaucracy you’re involved with.

Let me use an example to show you what I’m talking about. A close personal friend of yours is fired. Let’s say you have good friends in several businesses in the area in which your friend works – he’s likely to call you, right? And you’re likely to be able to help him, right? Your access to many different bureaucracies enables you to better help a friend and thus you’re more valuable to him. Plus, if you direct a good worker to a new company, the bureaucracy at that company will value the person you’re connected to there even more than before, again, adding value to you.

On the other hand, if you don’t know anyone, you won’t be able to help. You won’t have value to that friend and he probably won’t turn to you in his time of need.

A network of good relationships is very strong and it often leads to even stronger connections.

Be Interested in Others
Ferrazzi uses a Dale Carnegie quote on page 177 to make a point:

To paraphrase Dale Carnegie: You can be more successful in two months by becoming really interested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in your own success.

It all comes back to listening and then thinking about how you can genuinely help someone. The more times you’re able to do that, the more valuable you become and the more power you’ll subtly accumulate.

On the other hand, if you just try to promote yourself and grab every opportunity blindly, you won’t be building those valuable relationships. You might get off to a slightly brighter start, but over the long run, the person with the relationships is king.

The way to build them is to listen, to stay in touch, and to help whenever you can without worrying about what you might get in return. It’ll just gradually flow your way.

What Is “Pinging”?
On page 181, Ferrazzi introduces the idea of pinging:

I call it “pinging.” It’s a quick, casual greeting, and it can be done in any number of creative ways. Once you develop your own style, you’ll find it easier to stay in touch with more people than you ever dreamed of in less time than you ever imagined.

Yes, there’s grunt work involved. Pinging takes effort. That’s the tough part. You have to keep pinging and pinging and pinging and never stop. You have to feed the fire of your network or it will wither and die.

To put it simply, pinging simply means staying in regular touch with the people in your network and not letting them drift away. This might take the form of quick emails, messages on Facebook, text messages, cell phone calls, and so forth.

The reason for doing this is to simply keep up to date with how people are doing and also remind them that you’re listening and that you care. Some people broadcast what they’re up to on social services like Twitter and Facebook, but it’s still a good idea to ping them sometimes, just so they know you’re actually involved and paying attention to their statements.

Contact Lists
On page 184, Ferrazzi makes a great case for putting effort into organizing all of the people you’re connected to:

The third step, as I mentioned in the chapter on taking names, is segmenting your network into call lists. In time, your master list will become to unwieldy to work with directly. Your call lists will save you time and keep your efforts focused. They can be organized by your number ratings, by geography, by industry, and so on. It’s totally flexible. If I’m flying to New York, for example, I’ll print out a “New York list” and make a few calls [...]

This is one area of my life that I didn’t have much organization on until recently. There are a lot of people that I keep touch with on a regular basis, but it was on such an ad hoc basis that people kept falling through the cracks – I wouldn’t intend for them to fall through, but the sheer number would make it happen sometimes.

My solution was easy. I just started putting everything in Google Address Book. I made up quite a few groupings of people within that to help me keep everyone organized. One thing I did to help myself is assign them all to numbered groups, groups 1 through 25, pretty much randomly. Each day, I’d contact everyone within that group electronically. So, one day I might shoot an email to the twenty people in group “1.” The next day, I’d do the same with the people in group ‘2.”

This takes time, but it helps me maintain relationships with a LOT of people and contact them all at least once a month.

Making Pinging Normal
This needs to become part of your normal behavior or else it’ll be hard to maintain. On page 185, Ferrazzi explains it well:

The important thing is that you build the concept of pinging into your workflow. Some organizations go so far as to make pinging integral to their organizational processes.

In other words, for pinging to work, it needs to be a normal part of your day.

I’ve started taking a portion of my day – early in the day, usually – to simply ping people and respond to the replies I get (if needed). Yes, this sucks down some serious time – it usually adds up to 75 messages or so a day – but all of these messages are useful. They help me to maintain real relationships with a wide variety of people.

Then, when something of real importance comes up, I can contact any of these people. I’m fresh in their minds and when my request for help comes through, they’re usually glad to help me out. Similarly, they know I’m a person they can reach out to for help.

We make each other better, and this is maintained through pinging.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the twenty-first and twenty-second chapters – “Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them” and “Be Interesting.”

I’m terrible at small talk.

Those little slivers of time right after you meet someone but before a real conversation starts is almost painful to me. I never know what to say and I usually just hope that it doesn’t last too long.

What I’ve come to do is to rely on a handful of standard icebreakers that tend to fill the gap quite well and often lead into some real conversation (which I actually enjoy). They’re just silly things – references to the top news story of the day, a comment on the weather, a compliment of the other person’s clothes or reading material, and so on. However, they get me over the “hump” of small talk nervousness and allow me to begin to get to know the other person.

Ferrazzi addresses the “small talk problem” in this section of the book. Let’s dig in.

Vulnerability
On page 146, Ferrazzi outlines the principle of vulnerability:

Being up front with people confers respect: it pays them the compliment of candor. The issues we all care about most are the issues we all want to talk about most. Of course, this isn’t a call to be confrontational or disrespectful. It’s a call to be honest, open, and vulnerable enough to genuinely allow other people into your life so that they can be vulnerable in return.

How many negotiations would have ended better if both parties involved were simply honest and forthright about their needs? Even when there is disagreement, I’ve found people will respect you more for putting your cards on the table.

In other words, if you’re nervous before a meeting, commenting on that nervousness is a win-win. It not only provides a great conversational icebreaker, but it opens yourself up a bit to others. It’s likely a feeling that they’re having as well and hearing that you’re feeling the same way builds a bond between the two of you.

I often do this. If a situation makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, I’ll say so. If I’m nervous about making small talk, I’ll say that I’m nervous about making small talk. Quite often, the other person feels the same way and is relieved to find that you do, too. It immediately gives you something in common and, at the same time, lowers the threshold for what you have to say next, since the need to impress isn’t as strong as it once was. You already have a rapport.

There may be some situations – such as a negotiation that is going to result with a clear “winner” and a clear “loser” – where vulnerability might not help, but in virtually every other situation, vulnerability is a great way to build rapport with people.

Focus on One Person
Ferrazzi addresses the tendency some people have to constantly “scan the room,” a practice I find pretty weaselly. On page 151, Ferrazzi hammers it hard:

Whether you spend five seconds or five hours with a new contact or acquaintance, make the time count. In Los Angeles, where I live, eye darters are a party staple. They’re constantly looking to and fro in an attempt to ferret out the most important person in the room. Frankly, it’s a disgusting habit, and one that’s sure to put off those around you.

The surest way to become special in others’ eyes is to make them feel special. The correlate, of course, is equally true: Make people feel insignificant and your significance to them shall certainly diminish.

The only person worth paying attention to is the person in front of you. Everyone else can wait – they don’t matter yet.

The counter-argument many people offer against this method is that you might miss something important if you just focus on one person. To those people, I make the point that in your need to find out what’s “going on” around the room, you’re actively alienating the person in front of you.

If I begin a conversation with someone, I make an effort to focus on nothing but that conversation until there’s a lull in that conversation. If the lull happens and I’m not interested in continuing it, then I’ll excuse myself (sometimes after making plans to meet the person later). Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, the other person (or small group of people) are the only one(s) in the room.

How to Listen
Ferrazzi also argues on behalf of the art of listening. On page 155:

As William James pointed out, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

You should be governed by the idea that one should seek first to understand, then to be understood. We’re often so worried about what we’re going to say next that we don’t hear what’s being said to us now.

[...] Take the initiative and be the first person to say hello. This demonstrates confidence and immediately shows your interest in the other person. When the conversation starts, don’t interrupt. Show empathy and understanding by nodding your head and involving your whole body in engaging the person you’re talking with. Ask questions that demonstrate (sincerely) you believe the other person’s opinion is particularly worth seeking out. Focus on their triumphs. Laugh at their jokes. And always, always remember the other person’s name.

This should come naturally if you’re focused solely on one person. If you’re focusing your attention on the person – and that person alone – then following their words and asking appropriate questions is the natural response to a conversation. Not doing so is a sign that you’re not paying attention.

I don’t really worry about doing such specific things as nodding and so forth. Instead, I just concentrate on the words they’re saying and my honest reaction to them. My physical reactions and follow-up questions simply fall into place behind them.

Having said that, I’m pretty poor at reading people. Quite often, my only indication that others are interested in hearing what I have to say is whether or not they have follow up questions or conversation.

If All Else Fails, Five Words that Never Do
If you’re stuck as to what to say next when making small talk, Ferrazzi has a simple suggestion on page 155:

“You’re wonderful. Tell me more.”

In other words, encourage the other person to talk more about themselves. Why? In the end, everyone enjoys talking about themselves to people who they believe are interested in them.

Thus, encourage people to follow up when they talk about themselves. Dig in for more details (without prying). Tell them you’re interested and listen to their story. Even if you’re not fully interested, attempt to grab onto the threads where you are interested.

This has a double advantage for me – it allows me to get comfortable with the other person without talking too much. I often get self-conscious when speaking.

What’s Your Motivation?
On page 161, Ferrazzi looks broadly at the motivations of others:

In my initial conversation with someone I’m just getting to know, whether it’s a new mentee or simply a new business contact, I try to find out what motivations drive that person. It often comes down to one of three things: making money, finding love, or changing the world. You laugh – most people do when confronted with the reality of their deepest desires.

Get comfortable with that reality.

If you think about your deepest motivations, they really do fall into those three categories that Keith outlines here.

Take me, for example. My biggest motivation is my family – a mix of finding love with a bit of changing the world (by raising my kids to do great things). If I walk through every person I know very well, their motivations usually fall along these lines. My friend who’s in a Christian band hopes to change the world. My career-obsessed friend is all about making the money. Some people have motivations that mix these areas.

It goes even further. What if you simply aren’t motivated by one of these areas? If that’s the case, it’s likely that you’re not in a situation where actually conversing with others and making new friends holds much value for you. Why? If you’re actually interested in building relationships, then your motivation is finding love – not in the romantic sense, necessarily, but in the sense of camaraderie and friendship.

How to Motivate
So, how do you utilize that understanding of people? On page 163:

The only way to get people to do anything is to recognize their importance and thereby make them feel important. Every person’s deepest lifelong desire is to be significant and to be recognized.

In other words, recognize that people are motivated by something very important to them, even if it’s not something you share with them, and realize that the person wants to be seen as being important and significant.

My desires to be a great parent and to be a great writer are central to me. They’re very important to me. Knowing that, it’s easy to connect with me – ask me about my family and chase it with some follow-up questions, or ask me how my novel is going. Follow up. Before you know it, I’m talking up a storm – and you’ll find many avenues to build the conversation from there.

The trick is figuring out what’s central to people, but once you find it, it’s the key to connecting to them.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the nineteenth and twentieth chapters – “Social Arbitrage” and “Pinging – All the Time.”

One of my old friends, Darwin, is a connector. He’s simply one of those people who knows lots of other people and often knows exactly who to call in any given situation. He’s also deeply in touch with what’s going on in the community.

In other words, Darwin is the type of person that’s infinitely useful to have as a friend – and because he’s so useful, he tends to attract lots of friends.

Naturally, this ties into his personality. He’s a gregarious extrovert who’s good with names and has a strong sense of tact. That goes a long way toward making the grade.

Still, in the end, there’s something else there – an innate desire to connect with others, perhaps. Even though Darwin and I have very little community overlap at this point, I can still call him up and ask for help if I need it – and if he can’t provide it, he probably knows someone who can.

That’s valuable, any way you slice it.

Weak Ties
On page 129, Ferrazzi cites a 1974 study by Mark Granovetter that explains how the small relationships we build with lots of people – acquaintances, distant friends, members of the same club – really help us:

As a result of the study, Granovetter immortalized the phrase “the strength of weak ties” by showing persuasively that when it comes to finding out about new jobs – or, for that matter, new information or new ideas – “weak ties” are generally more important than those you consider strong. Why is that? Think about it. Many of your closest friends generally do the same work and exist in roughly the same world as you do. That’s why they seldom know information that you don’t already know.

Your weak ties, on the other hand, generally occupy a very different world than you do. They’re hanging out with different people, often in different world, with access to a whole inventory of knowledge and information unavailable to you and your close friends.

I have a ton of weak ties in the blogging community. I send them emails every once in a while, read their blogs (and comment regularly), and link to them in my weekly roundups and on my sideboard. If they ever visit the mid-Iowa area (which simply isn’t a hotbed of blogging, other than a few moderately well-known very conservative political bloggers), I usually will go out and have a drink or a meal with them.

Yet, time and time again, when I’ve had a major project and I’ve needed help, I’ve been able to tap this community. I have dozens upon dozens of people I can write to for suggestions when I’m traveling, for ideas for an upcoming book, for a guest post in a pinch, and for getting the word out about anything big I’m doing (like a new book).

These weak ties are a big part of the success of The Simple Dollar. I’d call all of these people my friends – but they’re not close friends. We share passions, but are separated by distance and a lack of a long history with each other.

That doesn’t mean they’re not valuable – they are, and I’m quite happy to help them when they ask. They’re just simply “weak ties” – and I’ve found that, time and time again, a pile of “weak ties” can be more helpful than just a few strong ones.

I Don’t Want to Do This
On page 130, Ferrazzi makes a case as to why you probably shouldn’t want to be a “super connector”:

[...] what’s most important is developing deep and trusting relationships, not superficial contacts. Despite Granovetter’s research, I believe friendships are the foundation for a truly powerful network. For most of us, cultivating a lengthy list of mere acquaintances on top of the effort devoted to your circle of friends is just too draining. The thought of being obligated to another hundred or so people – sending birthday cards, dinner invites, and all that stuff that we do for those close to us – seems outlandishly taxing.

Only, for some, it’s not. These people are super connectors.

I’m not a super connector. I’ve probably got more connections in my address book than the average person, but I’m far from the level of many people I know. Nor do I really want to be – I’m simply not outgoing enough and the thought of adding hundreds more cards to my Christmas card list seems painful.

Instead, I’m happy with the set of close friends and the larger set of “weak ties” that I have. I don’t feel a strong need to focus on building stronger ties with all of those “weak tie” folks – not that I dislike them, but that there’s some factor (usually distance) that makes building a stronger tie more difficult.

So, for now, I’ll focus on just keeping those relationships healthy – and occasionally adding a few more weak ties or building a new deep relationship.

If You’re Not A Super Connector…
… then what should you do? Ferrazzi summarizes it clearly on page 137:

In one word: connect. In four better words: connect with the connectors.

As I mentioned at the start, one of my friends is clearly a “super connector” of sorts. I have a few other friends who are also very strong connectors, each with surprisingly little overlap with each other.

What I find is that these people tend to be particularly valuable friends. By default, if I need help with some fairly non-personal area of my life, they’re among the first ones I turn to, simply because I know they have access to answers.

It’s well worth your time to figure out the people around you who are exceptional connectors – and befriend them.

Finding a Partner
What if you don’t know any “super connectors” but want to meet lots of new and interesting people? One effective way to do it is to find a partner of sorts – someone who also wants to meet lots of new and interesting people. A peer in your workplace, perhaps. On page 139, Ferrazzi lays it out:

The most efficient way to enlarge and tap the full potential of your circle of friends is, quite simply, to connect your circle with someone else’s. I don’t think of a network of people as a “net,” into which you wrangle contacts like a school of struggling cod. Again, it’s like the internet, an interconnecting series of links in which each link works collaboratively to strengthen and expand the overall community.

Such collaboration means seeing each person in your network as a partner. Like a business in which cofounders take responsibility for different parts of the company, networking partners help each other, and by extension their respective networks, by taking responsibility for that part of the web that is theirs and providing access to it as needed. In other words, they exchange networks. The boundaries of any network are fluid and constantly open.

To put it simply, Ferrazzi is advocating meeting the friends of your friends.

This actually is a great way to meet new, interesting people and build new friendships. Accept invitations to events where you know some of the people – and those people know the rest of the people. Then, encourage the people you know to introduce you to the people you don’t.

You can facilitate the same thing yourself by hosting a party where you know all of the guests, but some of the guests may not know each other. This allows you to introduce them to each other and perhaps provide the foundation of a new, useful friendship between two people you’re concerned about.

A “Shared” Party
So how do you utilize such sharing? On page 140, Ferrazzi offers a great example of a dinner party:

“Lisa, let’s share a few months of dinner parties. You hold a dinner party at the Bel-Air and give me half the invite list. Then I’ll hold one of my dinner parties and give you half of the list. We’ll split the tab for each event, saving each of us a bundle of money., and together we’ll meet a lot of new, exciting people. By cohosting the events, we’ll make them that much more successful.”

Co-hosting parties almost always results in an interesting mix of people, as both hosts are drawing on their circle of friends which often have little overlap. This provides a great opportunity for you to meet these people, plus have the opportunity to build new relationships between the guests, many of whom won’t also know each other.

To some this seems uncomfortable, but in practice, it goes surprisingly well. All of the guests are in the same boat – they know one of the hosts. This provides a very nice conversation opener with people – you’re in the same situation, so you can talk about the gathering – and each other – from a similar perspective.

I’ve been to two gatherings like this and each time I wound up building a few new relationships out of the event. That’s worthwhile, if you ask me.

Never Forget…
A good point of advice comes on page 141, something that applies very well to all social situations:

Never forget the person that brought you to the dance. I once mistakenly invited a brand new friend to a party without inviting the person who introduced us. It was a terrible mistake, and an unfortunate lapse of judgment on my part.

This is an important key to remember for your own benefit, because the person that brought you is often the person who is most effective at introducing you around and facilitating your friendships. Until you’ve established a good relationship on your own, it’s always good to have the “person in the middle” available.

On the flip side, it’s very good to be that “person in the middle.” If you are, that means you’re adding value to both people’s lives by introducing them both to someone that they might value. If their friendship takes off, their impression of you will only grow.

Whenever I have a chance to introduce people who I think might hit it off, I always take that chance. I don’t try to set up dates or anything, but I do make an effort to make sure they know each other. If they click, everyone’s a winner.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the seventeenth and eighteenth chapters – “The Art of Small Talk” and “Health, Wealth, and Children.”

As I began to get better at interacting with people, I found that I would often meet and have a good time getting to know people at conferences, but after the conference (and a flurry of emails in the week or so afterwards), I’d often find that I hadn’t really built any sort of longer relationships with most of these people.

And I’d feel like I wasted my time.

I began to realize that there were two problems. For one, I was often connecting with people who were just at the conference to goof off on someone else’s budget. That’s fine, but you’re rarely going to meet people who have a strong lifelong impact if you hang out with the pure partying crowd (having a good time is fine, but if you’re doing nothing but that… there might be a problem).

The second problem is that I just wasn’t good at following up – so why should I expect that the other folks would be?

In this portion of the book, Ferrazzi actually deals with both of these points in detail.

Following Up Is Key
Ferrazzi argues that the real key to making a good impression on someone is to follow up. On page 106:

Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Then you’ll be miles ahead by following up better and smarter than the hordes scrambling for the person’s attention. The fact is, most people don’t follow up very well, if at all. Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers. The follow-up is the hammer and nails of your networking tool kit.

In fact, FOLLOWING UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD.

You meet someone. Great. You have a good conversation and find out you have some things in common. Even better. You exchange contact information before you go your separate ways. Spectacular!

However, it’s all (nearly) for naught if you don’t take the next step and follow up. Great relationships aren’t built from one meeting – they require regular interactions and exchanges of value and ideas.

You have that contact information in hand. Use it.

How?
Ferrazzi follows this point with a quick set of principles on how to do it well. On page 106:

Give yourself between twelve and twenty-four hours after you meet someone to follow up. If you meet somebody on a plane, send them an email later that day. If you meet somebody over cocktails, again, send them an email the next morning. For random encounters and chance meetings, email is a fine tool for dropping a quick note to say, “It was a pleasure meeting you. We must keep in touch.” In such an e-mail, I like to cite something particular we talked about in the course of our conversation – whether a shared hobby or business interest – that serves as a mental reminder of who I am. When I leave the meeting, I put the name and email address of the new acquaintance in my database and program my PDA or BlackBerry to remind me in a month’s time to drop the person another email, just to keep in touch.

This is a great collection of little tips to make following up that much easier. Let’s break down a few of them.

First of all, follow up quickly. Do it within 48 hours of your meeting or else it’s likely the person will have forgotten about you. If you have an email address, it’s easy – just shoot off an email.

Second, include a reminder of who you are. When you follow up, you might be following up with someone who met a lot of people in a short timeframe and simply can’t recall everyone. Including a reminder can also facilitate continued conversation.

Third, plan for a second follow-up. If the person I’m writing to is really interesting or important to me, I’ll stick a note in Google Calendar to write them another email – or some other form of follow-up – within the next month. Sometimes, I’ll schedule two or three of them, using different media.

Go Handwritten
On page 108, Ferrazzi makes an astute point about the advantage of handwritten follow-up notes:

While e-mail is one perfectly acceptable way to follow up, there are other methods to consider. A handwritten thank-you note these days can particularly capture a person’s attention. When’s the last time you received a handwritten letter? When you get something addressed to you personally, you open it.

Yes, it’s a lot easier to send an email. But that’s exactly why a handwritten note stands out so much.

At my previous job, I was involved with a special project that took me into one of the rural regions of Mexico, where poverty is almost beyond imagining in our modern world. On this trip, I was assisting a researcher and over the course of the trip, I was able to help him with several problems.

He could have easily thanked me with a handshake (which he did) or with an email (which he also did), but what stuck with me was the card I received from him, a short handwritten note expressing appreciation for my efforts. It meant a lot to me and went quite far to facilitate a long term working relationship between us.

Since then, I’ve tried to send handwritten notes on as many occasions as it is reasonable and I’ve found that almost always it creates a very positive impression.

Why Go to a Conference?
Why attend conferences? I know that before I started really thinking about the value of conferences, I found them pretty pointless myself. Ferrazzi explains the reason for conference attendance on page 110:

Conferences are good for mainly one thing. [...] They provide a forum to meet the kind of like-minded people who can help you fulfill your mission and goals.

I used to hate attending conferences. Mostly, I’d get bored during the sessions and then completely check out once the day’s sessions were done simply because the day had been so long to that point.

A friend of mine told me later that I was doing it all wrong. He suggested picking out only the sessions I was deeply interested in, then resting and recharging during the other sessions, back at my room. The key time, according to him, was when the conference was in break or out of session.

Why? That’s when you can talk to people and meet them. Plus, with the extra rest, you can stay up late into the night and still be fresh the next morning.

I started doing this with the last few conferences I’ve attended and they’ve been completely different experiences.

A Great Way to Get Involved
On page 113, Ferrazzi offers a great recipe for getting involved with conferences, making it possible for you to meet a lot of likeminded people there:

First, review the event’s materials, visit its web site, and find out who the main contact is for putting together the conference. Put in a phone call. The person responsible for these kinds of events is generally overworked and stressed out. I like to call these people a few months ahead of the event and say, “I’m really looking forward to the conference you’re putting gotether. I’m interested in helping make this year be the best year ever, and I’m willing to devote a chunk of my resources – be it time, creativity, or connections – to make this year’s event a smash hit. How can I help?”

One of the conferences I regularly attended in the mid-2000s was often in desperate need of technical support. One of my close associates, who was somewhat skilled in such areas (but not strongly skilled), always volunteered for the duty.

I finally asked him why a few months before I left my last job. In his words, the reasons were obvious. He got invited to all of the organizer and keynote presenter meetings, where there were a lot of interesting and well-known people. He also got his name and contact information in the program and also had an “organizer” name tag, which helped him greatly with the “name recognition” factor during the conference. Plus, the other organizers would often listen to his input and consider his suggestions for who should present at various sessions, enabling him to support some of his own close connections.

Sure, it meant some extra work for him, but in the context of a longer career, the benefits of such work are incredibly obvious.

Take Advantage of Breaks
Ferrazzi makes the point, on page 124, that the real worthwhile part of conferences happens during the breaks:

Breaks are where the real work happens at a conference.

Make sure and stake out the right place. Have you ever noticed how guests gather in the kitchen or some other central place when you have gatherings at home? One warm and centrally located spot is often the center of any party. The same holds true at a business gathering. Determine where most people will gather, or at least pass, and station yourself there. This might be near the food table, the bar, or the reception area.

Along these same lines, I always suggest being comfortable over being perfectly dressed. Quite frankly, the more “perfectly” dressed I am, the more nervous I get. I tend to lock up if I’m in my nicest suit and attempt to make small talk with people. Thus, I’ll often go on the more casual side of appropriate dress – it makes me feel more comfortable and thus more talkative.

Also, when I’m making conversation, I find that a couple of social drinks helps lubricate me and make it much easier to talk. You’ll find that at conferences, the bar area is often filled with people who do the same thing – they have a drink simply because they’re a bit introverted and the drink helps them loosen up a bit. Right there, you have something in common.

Figure out the little things that work well for you. What makes you feel more comfortable? Doing those little things as part of your “conference routine” can make the whole thing go much more smoothly – and help you begin to build some great value-based relationships with people in your field.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the fifteenth and sixteenth chapters – “Connecting with Connectors” and “Expanding Your Circle.”

One interesting aspect of making connections for me is that my career is pretty solitary. I stay at home most days, working from my office, without meeting people face to face.

Thus, quite often, my “networking” occurs online. That’s a big reason why I’ve signed up for so many social networks, like FriendFeed and GoodReads and Twitter and even BoardGameGeek – they serve as my “virtual” watercooler during the day. I dig into topics of interest, seek out local people (particularly those interested in the same things I am), and just talk.

Have I met people face to face because of those services? Yes, quite a few. I’ve even built some long-term friendships thanks to them.

The end result is that I use online social networking in part to build and continue offline face-to-face relationships. For me, as a person in a career without a strong inherent social component, this is invaluable in helping me build an ever-bigger circle of friends and associates, locally and otherwise.

A Full Calendar
On page 94, Ferrazzi advocates for a really full social calendar:

The dynamics of a network are similar to those of a would-be celebrity in Hollywood: Invisibility is a fate far worse than failure. It means that you should always be reaching out to others, over breakfast, lunch, whatever. It means that if one meeting happens to go sour, you have six other engagements lined up just like it the rest of the week.

In building a network, remember: Above all, never, ever disappear.

The key, I think, is to “never, ever disappear.”

We all have different ways of connecting with people, interacting and sharing ideas and experiences. Ferrazzi’s call really is just to keep up with it – don’t let it slide.

This means keep in contact with people. Call people. Send messages to people. Do things with people. Do it consistently.

“Never, ever disappear” is a powerful reminder to use to keep yourself from letting friendships and other relationships slack off. In fact, reading it just now convinced me to place two phone calls and send several emails just to touch base with people important to me.

Always Invite People Along
On page 96, Ferrazzi talks about inviting people along on things you’re doing:

I’m constantly looking to include others in whatever I’m doing. It’s good for them, good for me, and good for everyone to broaden their circle of friends.

My basic philosophy is this: if it’s something I enjoy doing, then I’m going to be enthusiastic about it and it’s likely going to rub off on others, so I don’t hesitate to invite others along with me to do it if there’s such an opportunity.

Take board games, something I’m really passionate about. My passion is such that I can take out a simple-to-play board game – like, say, Ticket to Ride – and get pretty much anyone enthusiastic about playing and enjoying themselves while playing. Enthusiasm is infectious.

Thus, if you want to invite people to do something with you in order to build a friendship, choose things you know you enjoy – and things that you’re suspicious that they will enjoy. If you do that, right there, you’ve got the foundation of a good time, no matter what the activity is.

Who Should I Mix?
Later, on page 97, Ferrazzi talks about mixing people together. Obviously, one of the best ways to build lots of relationships is to have events with several people at them (i.e., a small party), but how can you know people will interact well?

When you try this sort of thing, pay special attention to the chemistry between people. Do you have a sense of who will get on well with each other? It doesn’t mean that everyone has to have the same background and sensibility. In fact, a nice mix of different professions and personalities can be the perfect recipe for a terrific gathering. Trust your instincts. One litmus test I often use is to ask myself if I think I’ll have fun. If the answer is yes, that is usually a good sign that the dynamic will work.

That rule of thumb is really useful, especially if you expand it out.

Try this. Imagine four people you know fairly well who don’t know each other well or at all. Now, imagine if you’d be comfortable with all of those people in the same room with you. Does it seem fun or painful?

If it seems fun, it’d probably be a great idea to invite all of them to do something together – a meal or some other social event. Not only is it a great opportunity for you to touch base with several people you know at once, it’s also a chance to introduce interesting people to each other, possibly forming the foundation for some interesting relationships.

My wife and I are slowly starting to do these kinds of things, looking for different groups that we can invite over for dinner. I’ll confess that having kids makes this more difficult, but it’s still quite possible – and quite fun. It’s also incredibly valuable for building great relationships with a lot of people, which, again, can really help later on in our lives.

Where Not to Find People
Where can you go to meet new people? Ferrazzi talks about what doesn’t work on page 99:

I have a confession to make. I’ve never been to a so-called “networking event” in my life.

If properly organized, these get-togethers in theory could work. Most, however, are for the desperate and uninformed. The average attendees are often unemployed and too quick to pass on their resumes to anyone with a free hand – usually the hand of someone else who is unemployed looking to pass on his resume. Imagine a congregation of people with nothing in common except joblessness. That’s not exactly a recipe for facilitating close bonds.

When it comes to meeting people, it’s not only whom you get to know but also how and where you get to know them.

In other words, you should be looking for positive things you have in common, not negative things. If you can’t come up with a good reason to meet people, then don’t go.

One example I always think of is when I see parents forcing their teenage children or spouses forcing their partners to go to things that they obviously don’t want to go to. How does it help anyone to stick someone in a place where they don’t want to be? It’s a waste of the person’s time (they don’t want to be there) and wastes the time of the people there (the entire mood of the event goes down).

In other words, instead of going to things you don’t want to go to, focus your energy on things you DO want to go to. If there are activities in your life that just drain you, drop them. They’re not helping you and they’re not helping the people you’re participating with.

Where to Find People
So where should you go? The place to start is with shared interests and demographics, as mentioned on page 100:

Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relationship. Race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or business, professional, and personal interests are relational glue. It makes sense, then, that events and activities where you’ll thrive are those built around interests that you’re most passionate about.

Friendship is created out of the quality of time spent between two people, not the quantity.

In other words, the most quality time you can spend building relationships with others are when you’re spending time doing things you’re passionate about.

This advice matches well with what I always suggest that people do when they feel that their life is aimless but overflowing with stuff to do: pare down. Cut out activities that aren’t doing much for you, even if the thought of it makes you feel guilty. Instead, focus on the activities that get your motor going.

One thing I notice people often doing is sticking with things far past their sell-by date. They’re no longer passionate about the thing they’re doing, but they feel “committed” to participating all the time, going to meetings and other things, even though their heart isn’t in it.

My advice? Cut it out. Then, replace that time with an activity that you’re passionate about. You’ll win in every way by doing this.

Then What?
On page 102, Ferrazzi offers some detailed advice on how to fill that found time:

Make a list of the things you’re passionate about. Use your passions as a guide to which activities and events you should be seeking out. Use them to engage new and old contacts. If you love baseball, for example, take potential and current clients to a ballgame. It doesn’t matter what you do, only that it’s something you love doing.

So what do you like to do? What do you identify with? From there, what sort of social structures are available along those lines?

For me, my passions are reading, writing, my family, games, technology, and my faith. That means I look for writer’s circles, book clubs, other parents (and parenting groups), gaming groups, Tweetups, and other such meetings. I also look around for general community meetings that allow me to meet others in my community.

That alone can really fill my social calendar, let alone inviting others over to do things. I actually have to be careful about what I choose to do, but I avoid things I don’t want to do. If I want to do it, I can be rest assured that other things will follow – building relationships and so forth.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the thirteenth and fourteenth chapters – “Follow Up or Fail” and “Be a Conference Commando.”

In getting to know a person, the absolute biggest moment I dread is that first moment of introduction, when you don’t know each other. Knocking on someone’s door to introduce myself or greeting someone I don’t know in a public situation makes me feel really uncomfortable. Even worse: trying to get through a “gatekeeper” (an administrative or personal assistant) to get a meeting with someone.

Ferrazzi feels the same way, it seems. He focuses two thoughtful chapters on this very problem. Let’s dig in.

Draft Off a Reference
Ferrazzi mentions four rules for turning a cold call into a “warm” one – in other words, making the ultimate introduction of yourself to another person much more friendly by taking the time to put some pieces in place. He often relates this process to making a sale, since salesmen are often in the business of establishing such a rapport, although that connection is just as important for anyone. His first tactic, discussed on page 83, is straightforward – find a person that you have in common:

Credibility is the first thing you want to establish in any interaction, and ultimately, no one will buy from you unless you establish trust. Having a mutual friend or even acquaintance will immediately make you stand out from the other anonymous individuals vying for a piece of someone’s time.

So, if you want to meet someone important, your first step is to find someone in common that you know. Research that person and see who their obvious connections are – and see if you know any of them. Ask around your own social network and see if anyone knows this person.

I’ll use myself as an example. Let’s say I’m wanting to meet a particular writer at a meeting in the future. I could either walk up to that person without anything in common and make some awkward small talk (making that person want to be anywhere else), or I could identify someone we have in common and use that as an introductory point.

Why does this work? If you mention someone that person knows in an introduction, the person likely feels some obligation to listen to you, not just because of you, but via a sense of obligation to that person you have in common.

Remember, though, that the person in common is just enough to get your foot in the door. It’s up to you to carry it further.

State Your Value
If you do finally have someone’s attention, you need to quickly make it clear to them that you represent some sort of value to them. On page 85:

Once you have someone’s commitment to hear you out for thirty seconds, you’ll need to be prepared to deliver a high-value proposition. You’ve got very little time to articulate why that person should not try to get off the phone as quickly as possible. Remember, it’s all about them. What can you do for them?

Why exactly would I want to talk to Stephen King? Obviously, for me, it’s to get some advice on writing.

But why should Stephen King possibly be interested in talking to me? It would be an enormous stretch to call myself a peer of his – I’ve written one very simple nonfiction book that wasn’t a bestseller, while he’s written piles of bestselling fiction. Why would he want to talk to me at all beyond fifteen seconds of greeting a fan and signing an autograph?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that question. I do know that anything I got beyond that from a conversation with him would be solely from his good graces – but it’s never a good idea to bank on anyone’s good graces.

Instead, it’d be a waste of time for me to ever talk to him (besides attending a reading or something like that) unless I have something of value to offer that he might be interested in.

Just think about it this way – unless you can offer someone some real value, why would they talk to you? And remember that real value doesn’t mean that you’re offering them a “great deal” – it’s only a “great deal” for you, not them.

If you can’t figure out what value you’re offering, you shouldn’t expect to build a great relationship with someone.

Quick, Convenient, and Definitive
If you want to extend your relationship with someone beyond a quick meeting, you have to make it as easy as possible for them. On page 85:

You want to impart both a sense of urgency and a sense of convenience. Instead of closing with “We should get together some time soon,” I like to finalize with something like “I’m going to be in town next week. How about lunch on Tuesday? I know this is going to be important for both of us, so I’ll make time no matter what.”

At the bare minimum, exchange contact information – or at least get theirs. If you don’t do that, then there’s no way you can establish any sort of lasting relationship with that other person.

A much better step is to set up some sort of follow-up connection. Perhaps you can send along some additional information. Maybe you can meet later on for something else.

The key is to extend the conversation – make something concrete that has the expectation that at least one of you will be taking action to exchange more info (and it should be you making that action happen, since you’re the initiator).

Compromise
Ferrazzi’s final tactic for making those “first meetings” go better appears on page 86:

Robert B. Cialdini’s book The Psychology of Persuasion shows how compromise is a powerful force in human relations. An example used to illustrate this idea concerns Boy Scouts, who are often turned down initially when trying to sell raffle tickets. It has been statistically shown, however, that when the Scout then offers candy bars instead, a less costly item, customers will buy the candy even if they don’t really want it. In giving in to the concession, people feel as if they’re holding up their social obligation to others. So remember, try for a lot – it will help you settle for what it is you really need.

In other words, suggest something big, like going out to lunch next week. If they hesitate, suggest something simpler, like swapping email addresses or Twitter usernames or phone numbers – a compromise.

Why? The “compromise” means that you’re doing them a favor by effectively reducing their commitment – you’ve made it easy for them to follow up instead of hard for them.

Since, in the end, all you really want is a way to keep the conversation going, you still get what you want out of it with a much higher degree of success.

The Gatekeeper
How do you handle administrative assistants? On page 87, Ferrazzi begins to discuss it:

First, make the gatekeeper an ally rather than an adversary. And never, ever get on his or her bad side. Many executive assistants are their bosses’ minority partners. Don’t think of them as “secretaries” or as “assistants.” In fact, they are associates or lifelines.

Every time I have ever tried to go heat-to-head with an administrative assistant, I’ve lost.

You will lose if you antagonize an administrative assistant. So don’t – it’s not worth it. You’re better off just backing off and letting it drop than you are getting in a war with a schedule-keeper.

Personally, the best approach I’ve ever found is just to be flat-out honest with administrative assistants. Tell them flat-out why you’re there, why you’re making that contact, and who suggested that you do it. Most administrative assistants vastly prefer straightforward honesty and humility to almost anything else – providing the information they need as easily as possible makes their life easier and makes them like you better.

So, whenever I’m trying to schedule something with an administrative assistant, I’m as straightforward as can be and provide as much information as can possibly be necessary right off the bat. I’m also usually just honest about my situation.

That approach has rarely failed me.

Respect
On page 91, Ferrazzi touches on how to keep on an administrative assistant’s good side:

Always respect the gatekeeper’s power. Treat them with the dignity they deserve. If you do, doors will open for you to even the most powerful decision makers. What does it mean to treat them with dignity? Acknowledge their help. Thank them by phone, flowers, a note.

Yes, the good old handwritten note. It works time and time again.

Let me make this as clear as I can: whenever someone helps you in a significant way in your career or your life, send them a handwritten note thanking them for it. This will always be a big positive for you.

Here’s a detailed guide for writing an effective thank you note, no matter what the occasion.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the eleventh and twelfth chapters – “Never Eat Alone” and “Share Your Passions.”

I’m planning on attending SXSW Interactive in March 2010. For those of you who don’t know what that is, SXSW Interactive is a conference that covers interactive media (which, of course, I’m involved with), and I may even be presenting. I also hope to be able to pass out some copies of my next book there.

Of course, a big reason for attending is that I hope to meet quite a few people (many of them I’ve talked to online, but meeting face to face is a bit more concrete). I actually have a list of people I want to meet, shake hands with, and perhaps get to know a bit – mostly other bloggers who write on topics that are of interest to me.

So how will I make that happen with any degree of success? This section of Never Eat Alone lays out a plan for that very thing.

Study Up!
On page 67, Ferrazzi offers great advice for anyone attending a conference with people they want to get to know – or even just a lunch with someone they don’t know well:

Before I meet with any new people I’ve been thinking of introducing myself to, I research who they are and what their business is. I find out what’s important to them: their hobbies, challenges, goals – inside their business and out. Before the meeting, I generally prepare, or have my assistant prepare, a one-page synopsis on the person I’m about to meet. The only criterion for what should be included is that I want to know what this person is like as a human being, what he or she feels strongly about, and what his or her proudest achievements are.

When I first read this, I actually thought it was almost creepy. Why would you prepare a profile of someone? That seems… stalker-ish.

But when I thought about it, I realized that it’s actually not creepy at all. Think of it this way – if you’re about to attend a professional conference, wouldn’t it be awesome if the people who actually were interested in meeting you had such a page in hand, so they would actually know what to talk to you about?

In other words, if you’re willing to prepare such a page about someone (so that you can get right past the small talk and start actually having a useful conversation), it’s a sign that you actually value making that connection. You’re putting forth effort in advance to make this work because it’s important to you to actually meet that person and click with them.

From that perspective, it’s a pretty cool idea. I’d actually be flattered if I found that someone who wanted to build a professional relationship with me came to the table prepared, allowing us to skip the small talk and get down to things we have in common.

Can You Help?
Why skip the small talk? The small talk doesn’t have any real value, and it doesn’t give you any opportunities to really help. On page 68:

Setting out to know someone inevitably means understanding what their problems or needs are. At work, it may be their product line. But as you talk with the person, you’ll also find out that perhaps their kids are hoping to land an internship, that they themselves have health issues, or they just want to cut strokes off their golf game. The point is, you have to reach beyond the abstract to get to someone as an individual.

Everyone has areas of their life that they care deeply about, and people that can help in those areas immediately become valuable.

Here’s a great example from my own life. I’ve been trying to join a farmer’s co-op in my area for years. There’s a long waiting list to get in, so I’d like to be able to find either someone who’s willing to give me their spot or another co-op that’s got room for me. If I met someone who could make that happen, I’d immediately find that person useful.

Obviously, you readers now know this. But if I bumped into someone on the street, they wouldn’t know this, and we’d likely never put it together through idle chit-chat. That’s where a bit of research pays off – you can get right past that idle chit-chat and start talking about things that actually matter, the things you’re both passionate about.

Someone who reads The Simple Dollar, has done a bit of research, and bumps into me at a conference (and wants to build a relationship) might say, “Hey, I know this great Italian restaurant. Want to catch dinner?” or “Have you seen that independent bookstore just down the block?” or “Don’t go to the hotel bar if you want a good gin and tonic – go across the street, where they use actual good gin.” Or many other things that you might have been able to figure out from reading The Simple Dollar.

Right there, your research has paid off – you know something I value and are able to contribute some useful information. I now find you valuable and worthwhile, at least more so than before, and I’m likely to invite you along for a much longer chat.

An Opportunity to Bond
What’s the advantage of this? Ferrazzi keeps going on page 70:

The idea is to find a point of common ground that is deeper and richer than what can be discovered in a serendipitous encounter. Armed with knowledge about a person’s passions, needs, or interests, you can do more than connect; you’ll have an opportunity to bond and impress.

That’s really it in a nutshell. If you can find that thread of common interest quickly and effectively and if you can find some value to exchange, you’re much, much more likely to start building a worthwhile relationship with the person in question.

This is the complete opposite of the “schmoozer” mentioned earlier in the book. This is all about being useful and providing value.

Of course, this takes time. If your goal is just to press as many business cards as you can into people’s palms, you’re never going to be able to build these kinds of value-based relationships.

By Location
One advantage of amassing connections all across the country is that it adds value to every trip you take. On page 76, Ferrazzi expands on this idea:

I … create call sheets by region, listing the people I know and those I’d like to know. When I’m in a given town, I try to phone as many people as I can.

This is one of the big reasons to have a big online address book that contains geographical locations. Let’s say you’re going to travel to, say, Tacoma, on a work trip. You can search your address book for everyone you know in Oregon and check to see which ones are in the Tacoma and Seattle areas.

Then, when you have a schedule for your trip, get ahold of those people and set up some meetings. Have coffee with those folks. Almost every trip has significant downtime – why not fill it with meeting people you’d like to know?

Near the end of my previous career, I started doing this with gusto. I would constantly meet with people both in my career path and outside of it while traveling and rarely ate alone. It not only made the trips more interesting, but it helped me build some really great relationships.

Who Do I Want To Know?
How can you have any idea who you want to meet if you’ve never gone to a conference before? Ferrazzi answers that question on page 76:

When you’re looking for people to reach out to, you’ll find them everywhere. One great resource for making lists is – it almost sounds absurd – other people’s lists. Newspapers and magazines do rankings of this sort all the time.

You know what field the conference is in. Just make a big list of people you’d like to meet. Find interesting people online and see if they’ll be there. Or start with the conference program – dig through it, see who’ll be there, and research some of them to learn more about them.

Eventually, you will find quite a few people you want to meet – and if you don’t, why on earth are you going to this meeting?

My problem is usually figuring out people to focus on, because when I read the program for an interesting meeting (and research some of the people), I see tons of people I want to meet.

Aspirational Contacts
On page 77, Ferrazzi talks about “aspirational contacts” – people we’d love to meet someday:

There’s another category you might want to add, something I call my “aspirational contacts.” There are those extremely high-level people who have nothing to do with my business at hand but are just, well, interesting or successful or both. The people on the list can be anyone from heads of state and media moguls to artists and actors, to people others speak highly of.

I have a list like this, actually. People on it include Dave Ramsey and Stephen King. These aren’t people that I know at all right now, nor do I have their contact information. But I’d like to, and if I ever have an opportunity to legitimately contact the people on this list, I’d jump at it.

Why have these people? To be honest, I have little interest in meeting most “famous” people. I’d only like to meet people whose work interests me in some deep way.

So I keep a list, to remind me that I should always keep looking up.

Who’s on your aspirational list? Why?

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the ninth and tenth chapters – “Warming the Cold Call” and “Managing the Gatekeeper – Artfully.”

Let’s face it, I’m an introvert.

The idea of interacting with people, particularly people I don’t know well, makes me uneasy. My natural disposition is to just get quiet in a room full of people and just wait for people I know well or wait for the situation to be over.

It took me a long time to learn that such behavior is a fast route to failure.

It takes a lot of courage for me to do anything else. I have to focus on it carefully. I have to psychologically prepare myself. But, every time I do it, I find myself building relationships. And I also find that it becomes just a little bit easier to do it.

Be Gutsy
On page 49, Ferrazzi tells an awesome story about a childhood experience centered around poverty and audacity:

My father simply couldn’t be embarrassed when it came to fulfilling his family’s needs. I remember once we were driving down the road to our home when Dad spotted a broken Big Wheel tricycle in someone’s trash. He stopped the car, picked it up, and knocked on the door of the home where the discarded toy lay waiting to be picked up.

“I spotted this Big Wheel in your trash,” he told the owner. “Do you mind if I take it? I think I can fix it. It would make me feel wonderful to give my son something like this.”

What guts! Can you imagine such a proud, working-class guy approaching that woman and, essentially, admitting he’s so poor that he’d like to have her garbage?

Oh, but that’s not the half of it. Imagine how that woman felt, having been given an opportunity to give such a gift to another person. It surely made her day.

“Of course,” she gushed, explaining that her children were grown and that years had passed since the toy had been used. “You’re welcome to the bicycle I have, too. It’s nice enough that I just couldn’t throw it away…”

So we drove on. I had a “new” Big Wheel to ride on and a bike to grow into. She had a smile and a fluttering heart that only benevolence breeds. And Dad had taught me that there is genius, even kindness, in being bold.

I couldn’t help but think of my own childhood when I read this story. I grew up poor, probably at a level similar to Ferrazzi. I saw my father do similar things, picking through other’s junk to find things that were usable for us.

For a long time in my life, I saw it as sad. I saw it as something I should be trying to escape from. I didn’t want to be a parent that scavenged through junk for stuff for my kids.

Now, I see it as smart and resourceful and audacious and courageous. I’m perfectly happy to do that sort of digging if there’s something worth digging for.

What changed? I think the biggest switch was actually courage. It takes courage to do the unexpected.

Find a Role Model
Often, your friends are quite a bit like you – and that can be a disadvantage. On page 52:

We’re predisposed to seek out people like us – shy people tend to congregate with other shy people, and outgoing people congregate with outgoing people – because they unconsciously affirm our own behaviors. But everyone knows that one person in their group of friends and associates who seems to engage others with little or no fear. If you’re not yet ready to take the big leap of addressing new people on your own, let these people help you and show you the way. Take them with you, when appropriate, to social outings and observe their behaviors. Pay attention to their actions. Over time, you’ll adopt some of their techniques. Slowly, you’ll build up the courage to reach out by yourself.

A while ago, I used to think that I had little to say to other people. I didn’t think I had much in common with them, that my interests were very different.

What I found, actually, is that my lifetime history of reading almost everything I could get my hands on really paid off. I can converse about anything, allowing others to more or less choose the topic. I can talk about sports, art, popular culture, politics, or anything else that comes up. I might not be an expert, but I know something about it.

Sure, I have key interests, things that really light my fire. But when I realized that I could just hone in on what interests other people and at least be able to follow the conversation, it made it much easier to get to know people at least a little. Even better, I often would find that I had more in common with people than I would have thought, because everyone has a diversity of interests (even if they don’t come out at first).

This makes it easier for me to approach people that I don’t know. I usually just go up to them and try to figure out (as quickly as I can) something they’re passionate about. If I don’t know, I ask them to tell me about their hobbies and how they spend their free time, then I just hone in on the most promising thing. This almost always works.

A Modest Goal
How can you get started building relationships with others? On page 53, Ferrazzi suggests making it a goal:

Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn’t matter where or with whom. Introduce yourself to someone on the bus. Slide up next to someone at the bar and say hello. Hang out at the company water cooler and force yourself to talk to a fellow employee you’ve never spoken with. You’ll find that it gets easier and easier with practice. Best of all, you’ll get comfortable with the idea of rejection. With that perspective, even failure becomes a step forward. Embrace it as learning. As the playwright Samuel Beckett wrote, “Fail, fail again. Fail better.”

This is a great habit to get into, actually. If you make it your goal to talk to someone new every week – or, even better, every day – you’re forcing yourself to at least attempt to build new relationships.

Sure, some of these will amount to nothing. I’d argue that most will amount to nothing. But that’s fine. Even if they don’t, you’ve become a little bit more comfortable approaching people and striking up conversations.

And, every once in a while, you’ll connect really well with someone, enough to exchange contact info with them. Those connections you do make will make the courage to try and the failures well worth it.

The Networking Jerk
On page 56, Ferrazzi looks at the negative impression that networking often has:

He is the man or she is the woman with a martini in one hand, business cards in the other, and a prerehearsed elevator pitch always at the ready. He or she is a schmooze artist, eyes darting at every event in a constant search for a bigger fish to fry. He or she is the insincere, ruthlessly ambitious glad-handler you don’t want to become.

The networking jerk is the image that many people have when they hear the word “networking.” But in my book, this breed of hyper-Rolodex-builder and card-counte fails to grasp the nuance of authentic connecting. Their shtick doesn’t work because they don’t know the first thing about creating meaningful relationships.

When Never Eat Alone was first recommended to me, I had an extremely negative view of networking. I had attended several meetings and conferences where a handful of people spent all their time “networking,” which meant that they just went from person to person, made pointless small talk, pushed their business cards into your hand, slapped you on the back, and moved on.

Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed. Those people came off as complete losers and the entire idea of “networking” left a really bad taste in my mouth. I pretty much resolved, right then and there, to never “network.”

Though my opinion on the behavior that those people exhibited hasn’t changed at all, over time, I have started to “network” – just not in their way.

For example, if I go to a meeting, I make a conscious effort to have as many worthwhile conversations as possible. I talk to speakers if I’m interested in what they’re talking about. I talk to people who are asking interesting questions.

Sometimes, I click with the people I talk to – sometimes I don’t. When I do click, I make sure to exchange contact info with them and often I’ll try to have dinner or lunch or breakfast or a drink with them during the conference later on. Then, when I get home, I follow up by Googling them, finding out more about them, and continuing the conversation over email.

The last thing I want to do is be the kind of sleazebag that goes from person to person, jamming unwanted business cards in their hands.

Don’t Schmooze
So how can you avoid being that kind of schmoozer that no one likes? Ferrazzi’s best tip is on page 58:

Have something to say, and say it with passion. Make sure you have something to offer when you speak, and offer it with sincerity. Most people haven’t figured out that it’s better to spend more time with fewer people at a one-hour get together and have one or two meaningful dialogues than engage in the wandering-eye routine and lose the respect of most of the people you meet.

If you have nothing to say to a person, don’t say anything at all. Don’t even bother unless you have something of value to contribute or to ask.

I think this is where most of the networking “sliminess” comes from. People attempt to make small talk out of the blue, just walking up to you and saying words that really have no value in an effort to just get a business card shoved in your hand.

That’s terrible. It’s not useful to either person. The person schmoozing wastes time and a business card. The person schmoozed wastes time and has to throw away a business card.

Instead, just focus on talking to people to which you actually have something useful to say. Have a question in mind that you’d actually like to know the answer to, or have some sort of information in mind that the person will obviously find useful. Without that, what are you doing, really? Just schmoozing.

Inefficiency
On page 60, Ferrazzi points out something really bad that people do all the time online:

Nothing comes off as less sincere than receiving a mass e-mail addressed to a long list of recipients. Reaching out to others is not a numbers game. Your goal is to make genuine connections with people you can count on.

Unless I’ve opted in for that email (like a mailing list I’ve chosen myself to sign up for), I find mass emails and auto-responses to be a massive turnoff. Nothing says “you’re just another entry in my address book” like an automatic email or an email with fifty recipients.

If you have a message you want to communicate to a lot of people, use a service where people have chosen to follow you, like Twitter or Facebook, or write individual emails. Otherwise, you’re just sending them spam, and most of the time, they won’t like it.

Even worse are automatic responses, like when I send an email to someone and I get an automatic response telling me that they may or may not actually respond to my email. You know, I expect that already. All your auto-reply did is waste my time and tell me that you’re likely far too busy to bother with me.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the seventh and eighth chapters – “Do Your Homework” and “Take Names.”

One of the most fascinating parts (for me) about Never Eat Alone is the connection established between personal relationships and personal goals.

It’s not a connection that many people make. Most people think of goals as something that we define all on our own and work towards on some sort of solitary journey, like John Wayne or Lao-Tzu.

In truth, we’re often heavily dependent on the people around us for success in our goals. We need our family to be on our side. We need other people to provide us with key advice when we need it. We may need others to provide more tangible help, like an opportunity or an interview or a loan.

This human aspect of goal-setting is something I’d not considered at all before reading Never Eat Alone, and this portion of the book really focuses on that idea.

“A Goal Is a Dream With a Deadline”
One of the best summaries I’ve ever heard of what a goal actually is appears on page 25:

The best definition of a “goal” I’ve ever heard came from an extraordinarily successful saleswoman I met at a conference who told me, “A goal is a dream with a deadline.” That marvelous definition drives home a very important point. Before you start writing down your goals, you’d better know what your dream is. Otherwise, you might find yourself headed for a destination you never wanted to get to in the first place.

For a long time, I fell into this trap. I’ve always been good at setting short- and medium-term goals, especially in my career, and for a long time, I marched into my previous career using these goals.

At some point, though, I realized that my career march wasn’t in line at all with my biggest passions in life – my family, writing, and learning new things. I had done a great job of figuring out short-term goals for myself, but I didn’t really ask myself if I was walking along a path I really wanted.

I did a great job of keeping my eyes on the sidewalk and putting one foot in front of the other, but I hadn’t really thought about where I’d wind up and whether I wanted to be there.

When I stepped back and thought about it, I realized that the place I wanted to go was a place where I was a full-time writer with enough flexibility to spend time with my family whenever and however I wanted. And although I was proceeding right along a career path, it wasn’t really the path I wanted to be on.

Goals don’t mean much if you’re unhappy with where you’re headed.

Creating a People-Oriented Plan
Ferrazzi argues that the best way to achieve a big goal is to plan carefully for it and recognize that it’ll require the help of others to get there. On page 29:

The [p]lan is separated into three distinct parts: The first part is devoted to the development of the goals that will help you fulfill your mission. The second part is devoted to connecting those goals to the people, places, and things that will help you get the job done. And the third part helps you determine the best way to reach out to the people who will help you accomplish your goals.

Yes, other people are essential to successfully accomplishing your goals. They motivate you. They open doors for you. They offer you advice and help. Ferrazzi’s twist is to focus on people as a big part of your goal planning. And doing that can really transform the way you do things.

Take, for example, my desire to get into better shape. That might seem like a deeply personal goal, but there’s a huge social component to it. I need my wife to be supportive and to be willing to give me the daily hour or two I need to get into shape. I need my kids to be supportive and be open to eating healthier options. I certainly utilize people on websites where I share my exercise data and set shared goals with them.

Try this on for size. Take a big goal you have in mind for your life. Now, start thinking of all of the people you’ll need to help you and be supportive towards you for you to make it. Usually, it’s going to be a lot of people.

Right there, you have a list of relationships you should be focused on shoring up. Because without those people, you won’t reach your own goals.

Specific Goals
Another big part of making goals successful is to make them very specific and very tight. On page 32:

Your goals must be specific. Vague, sweeping goals are too broad to be acted upon. They must be concrete and detailed. Know what steps you’ll take to achieve your goal, the date by which it will be accomplished, and the measurement you’ll use to gauge whether you’ve achieved the goal or not.

It can be really hard to do this with big, nebulous long-term dreams, and thus many people ignore this kind of advice with regards to them.

But there’s a much better way.

Instead of focusing on those huge dreams, break them down. What do you need to do in the next month to get there?

Let’s say you dream of running a marathon, but you’re a couch potato. Saying “I’ll run a marathon someday” won’t get you there. Instead, ask yourself what you can do this week to get there. You need to surround yourself with supporters. You need to get out there and start walking, because that’s the first step. You need to keep track of exactly what you’re doing.

Personal finance goals are the same thing. You need to get your spouse or your parents on the same page with you. You need to start looking at the short term – cutting spending this week and this month and setting up a debt repayment plan now. What are you going to do at the end of the month? Not add any more debt… and make a double or triple payment on one of your debts.

That’s how you do it, and it works with any big goal you have in your life.

Getting It Backwards
Many people put the cart before the horse, putting the “me” part of personal goals ahead of building relationships. Ferrazzi talks about a discussion he had with someone doing this, on page 42:

“Have you started to reach out to potential clients?” I asked.

“No,” he told me. “I’m taking it step by step. My plan is to work my way up in my current company to a point where I can afford to leave. Then I’ll incorporate, get an office, and start searching for my first customers. I don’t want to start meeting with potential clients until I can presnet myself as a credible PR person with my own firm.”

“You’ve got it totally backwards,” I told him. “You’re setting yourself up for failure.”

You have goals in mind right now and you’ll likely have more goals in the future. All of those goals will require people for success – you know that now.

So why not start building those relationships now?

Sure, you might find that some of the relationships you build now might not match up well with you in the future. You completely change careers. You move far away.

But many of those relationships will remain if you’ve put real value into them, and you might just find that those relationships pop up when you need them.

The internet makes the world a smaller and smaller place every single day. I have friends in Africa and Australia that I’ve never met face to face – but if I ever go to the Ivory Coast or to Sydney, they’ll be the first people I get in touch with – and I have no doubt they’ll help me get my feet on the ground. I keep in touch with tons of people from my past, dating all the way back to my close friends in grade school – and we’ve helped each other as adults without ever bumping into each other face to face.

Every time you have a chance to give of yourself to someone else, do it. You’ll be amazed how often those relationships you’ve built will pop up again and again in your life.

Efficiently Doing Ineffective Things
Busywork is often the opponent of building such relationships. On page 44:

Too often, we get caught up efficiently doing ineffective things, focusing solely on the work that will get us through the day. The idea isn’t to find oneself another environment tomorrow – be it a new job or a new economy – but to be constantly creating the environment and community you want for yourself, no matter what may occur.

I certainly fall into this trap. Many days, I’m busy from the moment I get up to the moment I fall in bed. I’ve grown pretty efficient at managing a lot of things in my life – my family, my writing, connecting with readers, and so on. Still, it’s easy to let the “important but not urgent” things fall through the cracks in my life.

Clearly, keeping tabs with old connections (and building new ones) fall into the category of “important but not urgent.” So, I treat it the same way that I do other “important but not urgent” tasks – I make room in my life to do a few of them a day.

In fact, I plan ahead for this. I keep a big list of people I like to keep in contact with and each day, I make an effort to at least look them up and see what they’re up to. Quite often, this will lead me to giving them a call or sending them an email. Sometimes, I can contribute something of use to what they’re doing – offering advice, exposure of their work, a direct helping hand, or making a connection for them.

This type of “touching base” is just a part of my daily routine now – and I’m glad that it is.

Right Here, Right Now
What kinds of things can you do proactively to build new relationships. On page 45, Ferrazzi outlines four options:

Right now, there are countless ways you can begin to create the kind of community that can help further your career. You can: (1) create a company-approved project that will force you to learn new skills and introduce you to new people within your company; (2) take on leadership positions in the hobbies and outside organizations that interest you; (3) join your local alumni club and spend time with people who are doing the jobs you’d like to be doing; (4) enroll in a class at a community college on a subject that relates to either the job you’re doing now or a job you see yourself doing in the future.

These just scratch the surface. If you dig into each one, it’s easy to see tons of options inside of those, and it doesn’t even include online networking possibilities.

I’ll walk through each one of these four and point out some opportunities that might work for you within each one. If you have some great ideas, don’t be afraid to toss them up in the comments.

Create a work project. Many people wait for the opportunity to plop on their plate, but quite often these rewards go to the proactive. Look around. What doesn’t work at work? Are there some ordinary tasks that just annoy everyone? Why not come up with a plan to fix it and ask for permission to make it happen? Estimate the time/money you could save everyone and just pitch it. The worst thing that could happen is that you get told no. The best thing? You make the workplace better for everyone, learn some new skills, and get the profound respect of your boss.

Leadership in hobbies and other organizations. What do you enjoy doing? What personal skills would you really like to build? Are there any groups in the area that revolve around those areas? Find these groups and get involved. Step up to the plate and be a leader. If these groups don’t exist, start one.

Join an alumni club. Facebook and LinkedIn have effectively become online alumni clubs. Dig through people who identify themselves with your schools, with organizations you were involved with, and with places where you’ve worked. Boom – you’ve found a big group of people you have something in common with.

Take a class at a community college. It’s not even so much about the class, it’s about the people. If they’re taking an evening or weekend class, they want to be there, and thus they’re the perfect people to build relationships with.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the fifth and sixth chapters – “The Genius of Audacity” and “The Networking Jerk.”

After the success of the recent Total Money Makeover book club (with lots of good discussion and a flood of great feedback), I wanted to give it another try – a nice, long discussion about a book that made me think about my money and my life.

This time, though, I decided to take it in a bit of a different direction with a more unorthodox book selection (at least given the “personal finance” nature of The Simple Dollar).

Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz is about building relationships, both professional and personal. The subtitle of the book sums it up: How to Build a Lifelong Community of Colleagues, Contacts, Friends, and Mentors.

Why discuss a book like this in such detail? It’s simple: I believe that a healthy net of relationships is the most valuable thing that we can build. With a wide circle of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors around us, we can rely on them for help when we need it and also receive unexpected help on a regular basis. All of these things “grease the skids” for great things in life (and help when the chips are down) in ways that we can’t possibly execute alone. Such a network can provide everything from material help, helping hands when we’re working on a task, advice, opportunities, information, companionship, and much more.

I’ve read many books on this topic and I keep turning back to Never Eat Alone. It packs together the ideas in an incredibly effective package.

Let’s dig in.

It’s Not About Quid Pro Quo
Ferrazzi offers this insight on page 7:

What many of my fellow [business school] students lacked, I discovered, were the skills and strategies that are associated with fostering and building relationships. In America, and especially in business, we’re brought up to cherish John Wayne individualism. People who consciously court others to become involved in their lives are seen as schmoozers, brown-nosers, smarmy sycophants.

Over the years, I learned that the outrageous number of misperceptions clouding those who are active relationship-builders is equaled only by the misperceptions of how relationship-building is done properly. What I saw on the golf course – friends helping friends and families helping families they cared about – had nothing to do with manipulation or quid pro quo. Rarely was there any running tally of who did what for whom, or strategies concocted in which you give just so you could get.

I read this bit and immediately thought about my father. During my entire life, it’s seemed to me like he’s constantly doing things for other people. He shares vegetables he grew with them, he shares fish he caught with them, he shares the wine he made with them, he goes to their homes and helps them out when they need help. He fills his spare time doing these things, engaging in hobbies where the product can be shared easily with friends or actually working with friends on projects.

What’s the end result? Every single day, a small army of people just stop at my parents’ house, mostly to visit my father. He spends a good chunk of the day holding court, talking to people in his garage or out in the garden. They constantly bring him food, information, and advice, and if he needs a hand with anything, there’s always help right there.

In just the last year, people have given my parents a kids’ bed (for the guest bedroom, which we use when we stay there), a new kitchen table, a small mountain of food, free repair of a lawnmower and of a vehicle, and countless other things I’ve not even heard about.

When Dad does something to help someone else, he doesn’t expect anything in return. Random people he’s never met before can wind up at our house, just to place a phone call or something similar, and within a half an hour they’ll be loaded down with garden vegetables and enjoying a glass of wine with him. He might never see that person again – but he doesn’t care. If that person leaves with a smile on his or her face, Dad’s happy.

After doing this for years and years, though, it’s returned to him in spades. He has more good relationships with people than anyone I know, and those relationships are constantly handing him advice, material items, and help when he needs it.

It’s not about a quid pro quo at all. It’s just about giving of yourself and not really worrying about the return.

Mutual Need
On page 16, Ferrazzi touches on the idea of mutual need:

A network functions precisely because there’s recognition of mutual need. There’s an implicit understanding that investing time and energy in building personal relationships with the right people will pay dividends. The majority of “one percenters,” as I call the ultra-rich and successful whom many of my mentees aspire toward, are one percenters because they understand the dynamic – because, in fact, they themselves use the power of their network of contacts and friends to arrive at their present station.

It’s naive to think that people enter into a relationship without expecting to get something out of it, even if it’s something as simple as companionship. The more time and energy we invest in relationships, the more valuable we expect those relationships to become.

What’s different here is to realize that you need each other. No relationship is one-way – you give to them because they need it, and they give to you because you need it. It doesn’t have to be perfectly in balance at all, but relationships that are completely out of balance collapse eventually.

The time to cement a relationship is when you don’t need it – and they do need it. If you continually step up when others need you, you’ll find that people step up for you when you need it. It might not be perfectly symmetrical, but it’s certainly present.

Stop Keeping Score
What about the tendency to “keep score”? What if you help someone and they don’t help you back? If you’re focused on that, you’ll never actually benefit from such a network. From page 16:

[F]irst you have to stop keeping score. You can’t amass a network of connections without introducing such connections to others with equal fervor. The more people you help, the more help you’ll have and the more help you’ll have helping others. It’s like the Internet. The more people who have access, and use it, the more valuable the Internet becomes.

A network is not about a series of one-to-one relationships. In any such relationship, it’s likely that one person will give more than the other – sometimes you’ll give more and sometimes the other person will.

What’s important is the aggregate. Overall, on the whole, you should be giving at least as much as you’re getting. The more you give, the more value you’re perceived to have overall. The more you take, the less value you’re perceived to have.

I can’t help but think of one of my old “friends” who was one of those “takers.” If you did anything to help him out, instead of helping in return, he would ask for more help.

What happened to him? To tell the truth, I have no idea. Virtually no one knows what actually did happen to him. He dropped out of my network after a while and, eventually, out of the network of everyone else I know. Last I knew, he had completely abandoned what had once been a promising career and had gone back to school, with virtually no connections at all in his old career.

He took more than he gave – and now he’s left with nothing except an older body and an older mind.

Where’s Your Loyalty?
On page 17, Ferrazzi makes a crucial point about the fundamental shift in trust and loyalty that’s happened in the modern workplace:

Where employees once found generosity and loyalty in the companies we worked for, today we must find them in a web of our own relationships. It isn’t the blind loyalty and generosity we once gave to a corporation. It’s a more personal kind of loyalty and generosity, one given to your colleagues, your team, your friends, your customers.

This is a theme that’s run through a lot of recent books on the modern workplace, from Escape from Cubicle Nation to Career Renegade. To put it simply, your loyalty should be to your coworkers, not to your company.

Quite often, that means producing in a way that’s beneficial to your company, but your loyalty should not be to the company. In fact, most of the time, it’s very difficult to distinguish between the two of them.

The difference comes about when people leave the company and move on to new things. That person may no longer be a part of your company, but they’re still part of your social network. You still have loyalty to them. You continue that relationship, sharing what you know (of course, without undermining the rest of your network) and helping when you can.

In effect, a network that includes a lot of people at other businesses is far stronger than one just including the people in your office. Let’s say you’re downsized – people in your own office aren’t going to be able to help. It’s going to require some help from people outside of your business.

Job Security
On page 21, Ferrazzi makes a great point about the true nature of job security today:

Job security? Experience will not save you in hard times, nor will hard work or talent. If you need a job, money, advice, help, hope, or a means to make a sale, there’s only one surefire, fail-safe place to find them – within your extended circle of friends and associates.

This is undeniably true. There is no significant job I’ve had in my life that wasn’t at least partly set up by a personal connection I made.

My first job in college was found by my academic advisor. We had several long discussions about the growing role of computer use in the life sciences and he decided to hire me to work in a public computing lab where software was used for simple biological data analysis. Later on, he also helped to place me in a research lab, a job I enjoyed but didn’t quite click with.

While working in that computer lab, I built a great relationship with one of the full-time system support people working in the same circles. He got me a job as an undergraduate researcher developing software for a scientist.

When I was about to graduate, that scientist was happy enough with my work that he essentially found me a full time position working for him – in truth, he seemed to craft it out of thin air. This was during the worst part of the job market in late 2001 and early 2002, where none of my fellow graduates seemed to be finding work.

Later (when the funding situation changed), he did everything but hand out bribes to get my foot in the door with a more permanent job with another entity doing similar work.

Every single job I’ve mentioned here was made possible thanks to relationships I’d built. How did I build them? I just worked selflessly, sharing what I knew with the people around me and stepping up to the plate when there was a real need.

My experience didn’t really help, nor did my knowledge or my degrees. What helped more than anything was the relationships.

Contribute.
On page 22, Ferrazzi drops the real key to building a valuable network:

Contribute. It’s like Miracle-Gro for networks. Give your time, money, and expertise to your growing community of friends.

In other words, the first step is always in your court. Do you have something to give right now? Is there someone you can help?

Don’t worry about getting back. Just give. Contribute what you know and you have.

Why not start today? Do you have a friend who could use some help? Why not give that help without anything in return? Do it a few more times, with other friends or work associates. Enjoy it. Then, see what happens when you make it a regular habit.

You’ll feel better about yourself. You’ll have friends and connections that feel better about you. And, in the end, you’ll have more value floating around you than you know how to deal with.

Do you believe in such reciprocity of relationships? Do you believe that by giving when others need it without expecting anything in return that others will be there for you when you need it? I wholly believe in it, because I’ve seen it again and again in my life.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the third and fourth chapters – What’s Your Mission? and Build It Before You Need It.