This is the eighth of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the fifteenth and sixteenth chapters, “Connecting with Connectors” and “Expanding Your Circle,” which appear on pages 105 through 127.

One of my old friends, Darwin, is a connector. He’s simply one of those people who knows lots of other people and often knows exactly who to call in any given situation. He’s also deeply in touch with what’s going on in the community.

In other words, Darwin is the type of person that’s infinitely useful to have as a friend – and because he’s so useful, he tends to attract lots of friends.

Naturally, this ties into his personality. He’s a gregarious extrovert who’s good with names and has a strong sense of tact. That goes a long way toward making the grade.

Still, in the end, there’s something else there – an innate desire to connect with others, perhaps. Even though Darwin and I have very little community overlap at this point, I can still call him up and ask for help if I need it – and if he can’t provide it, he probably knows someone who can.

That’s valuable, any way you slice it.

Weak Ties
On page 129, Ferrazzi cites a 1974 study by Mark Granovetter that explains how the small relationships we build with lots of people – acquaintances, distant friends, members of the same club – really help us:

As a result of the study, Granovetter immortalized the phrase “the strength of weak ties” by showing persuasively that when it comes to finding out about new jobs – or, for that matter, new information or new ideas – “weak ties” are generally more important than those you consider strong. Why is that? Think about it. Many of your closest friends generally do the same work and exist in roughly the same world as you do. That’s why they seldom know information that you don’t already know.

Your weak ties, on the other hand, generally occupy a very different world than you do. They’re hanging out with different people, often in different world, with access to a whole inventory of knowledge and information unavailable to you and your close friends.

I have a ton of weak ties in the blogging community. I send them emails every once in a while, read their blogs (and comment regularly), and link to them in my weekly roundups and on my sideboard. If they ever visit the mid-Iowa area (which simply isn’t a hotbed of blogging, other than a few moderately well-known very conservative political bloggers), I usually will go out and have a drink or a meal with them.

Yet, time and time again, when I’ve had a major project and I’ve needed help, I’ve been able to tap this community. I have dozens upon dozens of people I can write to for suggestions when I’m traveling, for ideas for an upcoming book, for a guest post in a pinch, and for getting the word out about anything big I’m doing (like a new book).

These weak ties are a big part of the success of The Simple Dollar. I’d call all of these people my friends – but they’re not close friends. We share passions, but are separated by distance and a lack of a long history with each other.

That doesn’t mean they’re not valuable – they are, and I’m quite happy to help them when they ask. They’re just simply “weak ties” – and I’ve found that, time and time again, a pile of “weak ties” can be more helpful than just a few strong ones.

I Don’t Want to Do This
On page 130, Ferrazzi makes a case as to why you probably shouldn’t want to be a “super connector”:

[...] what’s most important is developing deep and trusting relationships, not superficial contacts. Despite Granovetter’s research, I believe friendships are the foundation for a truly powerful network. For most of us, cultivating a lengthy list of mere acquaintances on top of the effort devoted to your circle of friends is just too draining. The thought of being obligated to another hundred or so people – sending birthday cards, dinner invites, and all that stuff that we do for those close to us – seems outlandishly taxing.

Only, for some, it’s not. These people are super connectors.

I’m not a super connector. I’ve probably got more connections in my address book than the average person, but I’m far from the level of many people I know. Nor do I really want to be – I’m simply not outgoing enough and the thought of adding hundreds more cards to my Christmas card list seems painful.

Instead, I’m happy with the set of close friends and the larger set of “weak ties” that I have. I don’t feel a strong need to focus on building stronger ties with all of those “weak tie” folks – not that I dislike them, but that there’s some factor (usually distance) that makes building a stronger tie more difficult.

So, for now, I’ll focus on just keeping those relationships healthy – and occasionally adding a few more weak ties or building a new deep relationship.

If You’re Not A Super Connector…
… then what should you do? Ferrazzi summarizes it clearly on page 137:

In one word: connect. In four better words: connect with the connectors.

As I mentioned at the start, one of my friends is clearly a “super connector” of sorts. I have a few other friends who are also very strong connectors, each with surprisingly little overlap with each other.

What I find is that these people tend to be particularly valuable friends. By default, if I need help with some fairly non-personal area of my life, they’re among the first ones I turn to, simply because I know they have access to answers.

It’s well worth your time to figure out the people around you who are exceptional connectors – and befriend them.

Finding a Partner
What if you don’t know any “super connectors” but want to meet lots of new and interesting people? One effective way to do it is to find a partner of sorts – someone who also wants to meet lots of new and interesting people. A peer in your workplace, perhaps. On page 139, Ferrazzi lays it out:

The most efficient way to enlarge and tap the full potential of your circle of friends is, quite simply, to connect your circle with someone else’s. I don’t think of a network of people as a “net,” into which you wrangle contacts like a school of struggling cod. Again, it’s like the internet, an interconnecting series of links in which each link works collaboratively to strengthen and expand the overall community.

Such collaboration means seeing each person in your network as a partner. Like a business in which cofounders take responsibility for different parts of the company, networking partners help each other, and by extension their respective networks, by taking responsibility for that part of the web that is theirs and providing access to it as needed. In other words, they exchange networks. The boundaries of any network are fluid and constantly open.

To put it simply, Ferrazzi is advocating meeting the friends of your friends.

This actually is a great way to meet new, interesting people and build new friendships. Accept invitations to events where you know some of the people – and those people know the rest of the people. Then, encourage the people you know to introduce you to the people you don’t.

You can facilitate the same thing yourself by hosting a party where you know all of the guests, but some of the guests may not know each other. This allows you to introduce them to each other and perhaps provide the foundation of a new, useful friendship between two people you’re concerned about.

A “Shared” Party
So how do you utilize such sharing? On page 140, Ferrazzi offers a great example of a dinner party:

“Lisa, let’s share a few months of dinner parties. You hold a dinner party at the Bel-Air and give me half the invite list. Then I’ll hold one of my dinner parties and give you half of the list. We’ll split the tab for each event, saving each of us a bundle of money., and together we’ll meet a lot of new, exciting people. By cohosting the events, we’ll make them that much more successful.”

Co-hosting parties almost always results in an interesting mix of people, as both hosts are drawing on their circle of friends which often have little overlap. This provides a great opportunity for you to meet these people, plus have the opportunity to build new relationships between the guests, many of whom won’t also know each other.

To some this seems uncomfortable, but in practice, it goes surprisingly well. All of the guests are in the same boat – they know one of the hosts. This provides a very nice conversation opener with people – you’re in the same situation, so you can talk about the gathering – and each other – from a similar perspective.

I’ve been to two gatherings like this and each time I wound up building a few new relationships out of the event. That’s worthwhile, if you ask me.

Never Forget…
A good point of advice comes on page 141, something that applies very well to all social situations:

Never forget the person that brought you to the dance. I once mistakenly invited a brand new friend to a party without inviting the person who introduced us. It was a terrible mistake, and an unfortunate lapse of judgment on my part.

This is an important key to remember for your own benefit, because the person that brought you is often the person who is most effective at introducing you around and facilitating your friendships. Until you’ve established a good relationship on your own, it’s always good to have the “person in the middle” available.

On the flip side, it’s very good to be that “person in the middle.” If you are, that means you’re adding value to both people’s lives by introducing them both to someone that they might value. If their friendship takes off, their impression of you will only grow.

Whenever I have a chance to introduce people who I think might hit it off, I always take that chance. I don’t try to set up dates or anything, but I do make an effort to make sure they know each other. If they click, everyone’s a winner.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the seventeenth and eighteenth chapters – “The Art of Small Talk” and “Health, Wealth, and Children.”

This is the seventh of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the thirteenth and fourteenth chapters, “Follow Up or Fail” and “Be a Conference Commando,” which appear on pages 105 through 127.

As I began to get better at interacting with people, I found that I would often meet and have a good time getting to know people at conferences, but after the conference (and a flurry of emails in the week or so afterwards), I’d often find that I hadn’t really built any sort of longer relationships with most of these people.

And I’d feel like I wasted my time.

I began to realize that there were two problems. For one, I was often connecting with people who were just at the conference to goof off on someone else’s budget. That’s fine, but you’re rarely going to meet people who have a strong lifelong impact if you hang out with the pure partying crowd (having a good time is fine, but if you’re doing nothing but that… there might be a problem).

The second problem is that I just wasn’t good at following up – so why should I expect that the other folks would be?

In this portion of the book, Ferrazzi actually deals with both of these points in detail.

Following Up Is Key
Ferrazzi argues that the real key to making a good impression on someone is to follow up. On page 106:

Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Then you’ll be miles ahead by following up better and smarter than the hordes scrambling for the person’s attention. The fact is, most people don’t follow up very well, if at all. Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers. The follow-up is the hammer and nails of your networking tool kit.

In fact, FOLLOWING UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD.

You meet someone. Great. You have a good conversation and find out you have some things in common. Even better. You exchange contact information before you go your separate ways. Spectacular!

However, it’s all (nearly) for naught if you don’t take the next step and follow up. Great relationships aren’t built from one meeting – they require regular interactions and exchanges of value and ideas.

You have that contact information in hand. Use it.

How?
Ferrazzi follows this point with a quick set of principles on how to do it well. On page 106:

Give yourself between twelve and twenty-four hours after you meet someone to follow up. If you meet somebody on a plane, send them an email later that day. If you meet somebody over cocktails, again, send them an email the next morning. For random encounters and chance meetings, email is a fine tool for dropping a quick note to say, “It was a pleasure meeting you. We must keep in touch.” In such an e-mail, I like to cite something particular we talked about in the course of our conversation – whether a shared hobby or business interest – that serves as a mental reminder of who I am. When I leave the meeting, I put the name and email address of the new acquaintance in my database and program my PDA or BlackBerry to remind me in a month’s time to drop the person another email, just to keep in touch.

This is a great collection of little tips to make following up that much easier. Let’s break down a few of them.

First of all, follow up quickly. Do it within 48 hours of your meeting or else it’s likely the person will have forgotten about you. If you have an email address, it’s easy – just shoot off an email.

Second, include a reminder of who you are. When you follow up, you might be following up with someone who met a lot of people in a short timeframe and simply can’t recall everyone. Including a reminder can also facilitate continued conversation.

Third, plan for a second follow-up. If the person I’m writing to is really interesting or important to me, I’ll stick a note in Google Calendar to write them another email – or some other form of follow-up – within the next month. Sometimes, I’ll schedule two or three of them, using different media.

Go Handwritten
On page 108, Ferrazzi makes an astute point about the advantage of handwritten follow-up notes:

While e-mail is one perfectly acceptable way to follow up, there are other methods to consider. A handwritten thank-you note these days can particularly capture a person’s attention. When’s the last time you received a handwritten letter? When you get something addressed to you personally, you open it.

Yes, it’s a lot easier to send an email. But that’s exactly why a handwritten note stands out so much.

At my previous job, I was involved with a special project that took me into one of the rural regions of Mexico, where poverty is almost beyond imagining in our modern world. On this trip, I was assisting a researcher and over the course of the trip, I was able to help him with several problems.

He could have easily thanked me with a handshake (which he did) or with an email (which he also did), but what stuck with me was the card I received from him, a short handwritten note expressing appreciation for my efforts. It meant a lot to me and went quite far to facilitate a long term working relationship between us.

Since then, I’ve tried to send handwritten notes on as many occasions as it is reasonable and I’ve found that almost always it creates a very positive impression.

Why Go to a Conference?
Why attend conferences? I know that before I started really thinking about the value of conferences, I found them pretty pointless myself. Ferrazzi explains the reason for conference attendance on page 110:

Conferences are good for mainly one thing. [...] They provide a forum to meet the kind of like-minded people who can help you fulfill your mission and goals.

I used to hate attending conferences. Mostly, I’d get bored during the sessions and then completely check out once the day’s sessions were done simply because the day had been so long to that point.

A friend of mine told me later that I was doing it all wrong. He suggested picking out only the sessions I was deeply interested in, then resting and recharging during the other sessions, back at my room. The key time, according to him, was when the conference was in break or out of session.

Why? That’s when you can talk to people and meet them. Plus, with the extra rest, you can stay up late into the night and still be fresh the next morning.

I started doing this with the last few conferences I’ve attended and they’ve been completely different experiences.

A Great Way to Get Involved
On page 113, Ferrazzi offers a great recipe for getting involved with conferences, making it possible for you to meet a lot of likeminded people there:

First, review the event’s materials, visit its web site, and find out who the main contact is for putting together the conference. Put in a phone call. The person responsible for these kinds of events is generally overworked and stressed out. I like to call these people a few months ahead of the event and say, “I’m really looking forward to the conference you’re putting gotether. I’m interested in helping make this year be the best year ever, and I’m willing to devote a chunk of my resources – be it time, creativity, or connections – to make this year’s event a smash hit. How can I help?”

One of the conferences I regularly attended in the mid-2000s was often in desperate need of technical support. One of my close associates, who was somewhat skilled in such areas (but not strongly skilled), always volunteered for the duty.

I finally asked him why a few months before I left my last job. In his words, the reasons were obvious. He got invited to all of the organizer and keynote presenter meetings, where there were a lot of interesting and well-known people. He also got his name and contact information in the program and also had an “organizer” name tag, which helped him greatly with the “name recognition” factor during the conference. Plus, the other organizers would often listen to his input and consider his suggestions for who should present at various sessions, enabling him to support some of his own close connections.

Sure, it meant some extra work for him, but in the context of a longer career, the benefits of such work are incredibly obvious.

Take Advantage of Breaks
Ferrazzi makes the point, on page 124, that the real worthwhile part of conferences happens during the breaks:

Breaks are where the real work happens at a conference.

Make sure and stake out the right place. Have you ever noticed how guests gather in the kitchen or some other central place when you have gatherings at home? One warm and centrally located spot is often the center of any party. The same holds true at a business gathering. Determine where most people will gather, or at least pass, and station yourself there. This might be near the food table, the bar, or the reception area.

Along these same lines, I always suggest being comfortable over being perfectly dressed. Quite frankly, the more “perfectly” dressed I am, the more nervous I get. I tend to lock up if I’m in my nicest suit and attempt to make small talk with people. Thus, I’ll often go on the more casual side of appropriate dress – it makes me feel more comfortable and thus more talkative.

Also, when I’m making conversation, I find that a couple of social drinks helps lubricate me and make it much easier to talk. You’ll find that at conferences, the bar area is often filled with people who do the same thing – they have a drink simply because they’re a bit introverted and the drink helps them loosen up a bit. Right there, you have something in common.

Figure out the little things that work well for you. What makes you feel more comfortable? Doing those little things as part of your “conference routine” can make the whole thing go much more smoothly – and help you begin to build some great value-based relationships with people in your field.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the fifteenth and sixteenth chapters – “Connecting with Connectors” and “Expanding Your Circle.”

This is the sixth of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the eleventh and twelfth chapters, “Never Eat Alone” and “Share Your Passions,” which appear on pages 94 through 104.

One interesting aspect of making connections for me is that my career is pretty solitary. I stay at home most days, working from my office, without meeting people face to face.

Thus, quite often, my “networking” occurs online. That’s a big reason why I’ve signed up for so many social networks, like FriendFeed and GoodReads and Twitter and even BoardGameGeek – they serve as my “virtual” watercooler during the day. I dig into topics of interest, seek out local people (particularly those interested in the same things I am), and just talk.

Have I met people face to face because of those services? Yes, quite a few. I’ve even built some long-term friendships thanks to them.

The end result is that I use online social networking in part to build and continue offline face-to-face relationships. For me, as a person in a career without a strong inherent social component, this is invaluable in helping me build an ever-bigger circle of friends and associates, locally and otherwise.

A Full Calendar
On page 94, Ferrazzi advocates for a really full social calendar:

The dynamics of a network are similar to those of a would-be celebrity in Hollywood: Invisibility is a fate far worse than failure. It means that you should always be reaching out to others, over breakfast, lunch, whatever. It means that if one meeting happens to go sour, you have six other engagements lined up just like it the rest of the week.

In building a network, remember: Above all, never, ever disappear.

The key, I think, is to “never, ever disappear.”

We all have different ways of connecting with people, interacting and sharing ideas and experiences. Ferrazzi’s call really is just to keep up with it – don’t let it slide.

This means keep in contact with people. Call people. Send messages to people. Do things with people. Do it consistently.

“Never, ever disappear” is a powerful reminder to use to keep yourself from letting friendships and other relationships slack off. In fact, reading it just now convinced me to place two phone calls and send several emails just to touch base with people important to me.

Always Invite People Along
On page 96, Ferrazzi talks about inviting people along on things you’re doing:

I’m constantly looking to include others in whatever I’m doing. It’s good for them, good for me, and good for everyone to broaden their circle of friends.

My basic philosophy is this: if it’s something I enjoy doing, then I’m going to be enthusiastic about it and it’s likely going to rub off on others, so I don’t hesitate to invite others along with me to do it if there’s such an opportunity.

Take board games, something I’m really passionate about. My passion is such that I can take out a simple-to-play board game – like, say, Ticket to Ride – and get pretty much anyone enthusiastic about playing and enjoying themselves while playing. Enthusiasm is infectious.

Thus, if you want to invite people to do something with you in order to build a friendship, choose things you know you enjoy – and things that you’re suspicious that they will enjoy. If you do that, right there, you’ve got the foundation of a good time, no matter what the activity is.

Who Should I Mix?
Later, on page 97, Ferrazzi talks about mixing people together. Obviously, one of the best ways to build lots of relationships is to have events with several people at them (i.e., a small party), but how can you know people will interact well?

When you try this sort of thing, pay special attention to the chemistry between people. Do you have a sense of who will get on well with each other? It doesn’t mean that everyone has to have the same background and sensibility. In fact, a nice mix of different professions and personalities can be the perfect recipe for a terrific gathering. Trust your instincts. One litmus test I often use is to ask myself if I think I’ll have fun. If the answer is yes, that is usually a good sign that the dynamic will work.

That rule of thumb is really useful, especially if you expand it out.

Try this. Imagine four people you know fairly well who don’t know each other well or at all. Now, imagine if you’d be comfortable with all of those people in the same room with you. Does it seem fun or painful?

If it seems fun, it’d probably be a great idea to invite all of them to do something together – a meal or some other social event. Not only is it a great opportunity for you to touch base with several people you know at once, it’s also a chance to introduce interesting people to each other, possibly forming the foundation for some interesting relationships.

My wife and I are slowly starting to do these kinds of things, looking for different groups that we can invite over for dinner. I’ll confess that having kids makes this more difficult, but it’s still quite possible – and quite fun. It’s also incredibly valuable for building great relationships with a lot of people, which, again, can really help later on in our lives.

Where Not to Find People
Where can you go to meet new people? Ferrazzi talks about what doesn’t work on page 99:

I have a confession to make. I’ve never been to a so-called “networking event” in my life.

If properly organized, these get-togethers in theory could work. Most, however, are for the desperate and uninformed. The average attendees are often unemployed and too quick to pass on their resumes to anyone with a free hand – usually the hand of someone else who is unemployed looking to pass on his resume. Imagine a congregation of people with nothing in common except joblessness. That’s not exactly a recipe for facilitating close bonds.

When it comes to meeting people, it’s not only whom you get to know but also how and where you get to know them.

In other words, you should be looking for positive things you have in common, not negative things. If you can’t come up with a good reason to meet people, then don’t go.

One example I always think of is when I see parents forcing their teenage children or spouses forcing their partners to go to things that they obviously don’t want to go to. How does it help anyone to stick someone in a place where they don’t want to be? It’s a waste of the person’s time (they don’t want to be there) and wastes the time of the people there (the entire mood of the event goes down).

In other words, instead of going to things you don’t want to go to, focus your energy on things you DO want to go to. If there are activities in your life that just drain you, drop them. They’re not helping you and they’re not helping the people you’re participating with.

Where to Find People
So where should you go? The place to start is with shared interests and demographics, as mentioned on page 100:

Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relationship. Race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or business, professional, and personal interests are relational glue. It makes sense, then, that events and activities where you’ll thrive are those built around interests that you’re most passionate about.

Friendship is created out of the quality of time spent between two people, not the quantity.

In other words, the most quality time you can spend building relationships with others are when you’re spending time doing things you’re passionate about.

This advice matches well with what I always suggest that people do when they feel that their life is aimless but overflowing with stuff to do: pare down. Cut out activities that aren’t doing much for you, even if the thought of it makes you feel guilty. Instead, focus on the activities that get your motor going.

One thing I notice people often doing is sticking with things far past their sell-by date. They’re no longer passionate about the thing they’re doing, but they feel “committed” to participating all the time, going to meetings and other things, even though their heart isn’t in it.

My advice? Cut it out. Then, replace that time with an activity that you’re passionate about. You’ll win in every way by doing this.

Then What?
On page 102, Ferrazzi offers some detailed advice on how to fill that found time:

Make a list of the things you’re passionate about. Use your passions as a guide to which activities and events you should be seeking out. Use them to engage new and old contacts. If you love baseball, for example, take potential and current clients to a ballgame. It doesn’t matter what you do, only that it’s something you love doing.

So what do you like to do? What do you identify with? From there, what sort of social structures are available along those lines?

For me, my passions are reading, writing, my family, games, technology, and my faith. That means I look for writer’s circles, book clubs, other parents (and parenting groups), gaming groups, Tweetups, and other such meetings. I also look around for general community meetings that allow me to meet others in my community.

That alone can really fill my social calendar, let alone inviting others over to do things. I actually have to be careful about what I choose to do, but I avoid things I don’t want to do. If I want to do it, I can be rest assured that other things will follow – building relationships and so forth.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the thirteenth and fourteenth chapters – “Follow Up or Fail” and “Be a Conference Commando.”

This is the fifth of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the ninth and tenth chapters, “”Warming the Cold Call” and “Managing the Gatekeeper – Artfully,” which appear on pages 79 through 93.

In getting to know a person, the absolute biggest moment I dread is that first moment of introduction, when you don’t know each other. Knocking on someone’s door to introduce myself or greeting someone I don’t know in a public situation makes me feel really uncomfortable. Even worse: trying to get through a “gatekeeper” (an administrative or personal assistant) to get a meeting with someone.

Ferrazzi feels the same way, it seems. He focuses two thoughtful chapters on this very problem. Let’s dig in.

Draft Off a Reference
Ferrazzi mentions four rules for turning a cold call into a “warm” one – in other words, making the ultimate introduction of yourself to another person much more friendly by taking the time to put some pieces in place. He often relates this process to making a sale, since salesmen are often in the business of establishing such a rapport, although that connection is just as important for anyone. His first tactic, discussed on page 83, is straightforward – find a person that you have in common:

Credibility is the first thing you want to establish in any interaction, and ultimately, no one will buy from you unless you establish trust. Having a mutual friend or even acquaintance will immediately make you stand out from the other anonymous individuals vying for a piece of someone’s time.

So, if you want to meet someone important, your first step is to find someone in common that you know. Research that person and see who their obvious connections are – and see if you know any of them. Ask around your own social network and see if anyone knows this person.

I’ll use myself as an example. Let’s say I’m wanting to meet a particular writer at a meeting in the future. I could either walk up to that person without anything in common and make some awkward small talk (making that person want to be anywhere else), or I could identify someone we have in common and use that as an introductory point.

Why does this work? If you mention someone that person knows in an introduction, the person likely feels some obligation to listen to you, not just because of you, but via a sense of obligation to that person you have in common.

Remember, though, that the person in common is just enough to get your foot in the door. It’s up to you to carry it further.

State Your Value
If you do finally have someone’s attention, you need to quickly make it clear to them that you represent some sort of value to them. On page 85:

Once you have someone’s commitment to hear you out for thirty seconds, you’ll need to be prepared to deliver a high-value proposition. You’ve got very little time to articulate why that person should not try to get off the phone as quickly as possible. Remember, it’s all about them. What can you do for them?

Why exactly would I want to talk to Stephen King? Obviously, for me, it’s to get some advice on writing.

But why should Stephen King possibly be interested in talking to me? It would be an enormous stretch to call myself a peer of his – I’ve written one very simple nonfiction book that wasn’t a bestseller, while he’s written piles of bestselling fiction. Why would he want to talk to me at all beyond fifteen seconds of greeting a fan and signing an autograph?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that question. I do know that anything I got beyond that from a conversation with him would be solely from his good graces – but it’s never a good idea to bank on anyone’s good graces.

Instead, it’d be a waste of time for me to ever talk to him (besides attending a reading or something like that) unless I have something of value to offer that he might be interested in.

Just think about it this way – unless you can offer someone some real value, why would they talk to you? And remember that real value doesn’t mean that you’re offering them a “great deal” – it’s only a “great deal” for you, not them.

If you can’t figure out what value you’re offering, you shouldn’t expect to build a great relationship with someone.

Quick, Convenient, and Definitive
If you want to extend your relationship with someone beyond a quick meeting, you have to make it as easy as possible for them. On page 85:

You want to impart both a sense of urgency and a sense of convenience. Instead of closing with “We should get together some time soon,” I like to finalize with something like “I’m going to be in town next week. How about lunch on Tuesday? I know this is going to be important for both of us, so I’ll make time no matter what.”

At the bare minimum, exchange contact information – or at least get theirs. If you don’t do that, then there’s no way you can establish any sort of lasting relationship with that other person.

A much better step is to set up some sort of follow-up connection. Perhaps you can send along some additional information. Maybe you can meet later on for something else.

The key is to extend the conversation – make something concrete that has the expectation that at least one of you will be taking action to exchange more info (and it should be you making that action happen, since you’re the initiator).

Compromise
Ferrazzi’s final tactic for making those “first meetings” go better appears on page 86:

Robert B. Cialdini’s book The Psychology of Persuasion shows how compromise is a powerful force in human relations. An example used to illustrate this idea concerns Boy Scouts, who are often turned down initially when trying to sell raffle tickets. It has been statistically shown, however, that when the Scout then offers candy bars instead, a less costly item, customers will buy the candy even if they don’t really want it. In giving in to the concession, people feel as if they’re holding up their social obligation to others. So remember, try for a lot – it will help you settle for what it is you really need.

In other words, suggest something big, like going out to lunch next week. If they hesitate, suggest something simpler, like swapping email addresses or Twitter usernames or phone numbers – a compromise.

Why? The “compromise” means that you’re doing them a favor by effectively reducing their commitment – you’ve made it easy for them to follow up instead of hard for them.

Since, in the end, all you really want is a way to keep the conversation going, you still get what you want out of it with a much higher degree of success.

The Gatekeeper
How do you handle administrative assistants? On page 87, Ferrazzi begins to discuss it:

First, make the gatekeeper an ally rather than an adversary. And never, ever get on his or her bad side. Many executive assistants are their bosses’ minority partners. Don’t think of them as “secretaries” or as “assistants.” In fact, they are associates or lifelines.

Every time I have ever tried to go heat-to-head with an administrative assistant, I’ve lost.

You will lose if you antagonize an administrative assistant. So don’t – it’s not worth it. You’re better off just backing off and letting it drop than you are getting in a war with a schedule-keeper.

Personally, the best approach I’ve ever found is just to be flat-out honest with administrative assistants. Tell them flat-out why you’re there, why you’re making that contact, and who suggested that you do it. Most administrative assistants vastly prefer straightforward honesty and humility to almost anything else – providing the information they need as easily as possible makes their life easier and makes them like you better.

So, whenever I’m trying to schedule something with an administrative assistant, I’m as straightforward as can be and provide as much information as can possibly be necessary right off the bat. I’m also usually just honest about my situation.

That approach has rarely failed me.

Respect
On page 91, Ferrazzi touches on how to keep on an administrative assistant’s good side:

Always respect the gatekeeper’s power. Treat them with the dignity they deserve. If you do, doors will open for you to even the most powerful decision makers. What does it mean to treat them with dignity? Acknowledge their help. Thank them by phone, flowers, a note.

Yes, the good old handwritten note. It works time and time again.

Let me make this as clear as I can: whenever someone helps you in a significant way in your career or your life, send them a handwritten note thanking them for it. This will always be a big positive for you.

Here’s a detailed guide for writing an effective thank you note, no matter what the occasion.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the eleventh and twelfth chapters – “Never Eat Alone” and “Share Your Passions.”

This is the fourth of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the seventh and eighth chapters, “Do Your Homework” and “Take Names,” which appear on pages 67 through 78.

I’m planning on attending SXSW Interactive in March 2010. For those of you who don’t know what that is, SXSW Interactive is a conference that covers interactive media (which, of course, I’m involved with), and I may even be presenting. I also hope to be able to pass out some copies of my next book there.

Of course, a big reason for attending is that I hope to meet quite a few people (many of them I’ve talked to online, but meeting face to face is a bit more concrete). I actually have a list of people I want to meet, shake hands with, and perhaps get to know a bit – mostly other bloggers who write on topics that are of interest to me.

So how will I make that happen with any degree of success? This section of Never Eat Alone lays out a plan for that very thing.

Study Up!
On page 67, Ferrazzi offers great advice for anyone attending a conference with people they want to get to know – or even just a lunch with someone they don’t know well:

Before I meet with any new people I’ve been thinking of introducing myself to, I research who they are and what their business is. I find out what’s important to them: their hobbies, challenges, goals – inside their business and out. Before the meeting, I generally prepare, or have my assistant prepare, a one-page synopsis on the person I’m about to meet. The only criterion for what should be included is that I want to know what this person is like as a human being, what he or she feels strongly about, and what his or her proudest achievements are.

When I first read this, I actually thought it was almost creepy. Why would you prepare a profile of someone? That seems… stalker-ish.

But when I thought about it, I realized that it’s actually not creepy at all. Think of it this way – if you’re about to attend a professional conference, wouldn’t it be awesome if the people who actually were interested in meeting you had such a page in hand, so they would actually know what to talk to you about?

In other words, if you’re willing to prepare such a page about someone (so that you can get right past the small talk and start actually having a useful conversation), it’s a sign that you actually value making that connection. You’re putting forth effort in advance to make this work because it’s important to you to actually meet that person and click with them.

From that perspective, it’s a pretty cool idea. I’d actually be flattered if I found that someone who wanted to build a professional relationship with me came to the table prepared, allowing us to skip the small talk and get down to things we have in common.

Can You Help?
Why skip the small talk? The small talk doesn’t have any real value, and it doesn’t give you any opportunities to really help. On page 68:

Setting out to know someone inevitably means understanding what their problems or needs are. At work, it may be their product line. But as you talk with the person, you’ll also find out that perhaps their kids are hoping to land an internship, that they themselves have health issues, or they just want to cut strokes off their golf game. The point is, you have to reach beyond the abstract to get to someone as an individual.

Everyone has areas of their life that they care deeply about, and people that can help in those areas immediately become valuable.

Here’s a great example from my own life. I’ve been trying to join a farmer’s co-op in my area for years. There’s a long waiting list to get in, so I’d like to be able to find either someone who’s willing to give me their spot or another co-op that’s got room for me. If I met someone who could make that happen, I’d immediately find that person useful.

Obviously, you readers now know this. But if I bumped into someone on the street, they wouldn’t know this, and we’d likely never put it together through idle chit-chat. That’s where a bit of research pays off – you can get right past that idle chit-chat and start talking about things that actually matter, the things you’re both passionate about.

Someone who reads The Simple Dollar, has done a bit of research, and bumps into me at a conference (and wants to build a relationship) might say, “Hey, I know this great Italian restaurant. Want to catch dinner?” or “Have you seen that independent bookstore just down the block?” or “Don’t go to the hotel bar if you want a good gin and tonic – go across the street, where they use actual good gin.” Or many other things that you might have been able to figure out from reading The Simple Dollar.

Right there, your research has paid off – you know something I value and are able to contribute some useful information. I now find you valuable and worthwhile, at least more so than before, and I’m likely to invite you along for a much longer chat.

An Opportunity to Bond
What’s the advantage of this? Ferrazzi keeps going on page 70:

The idea is to find a point of common ground that is deeper and richer than what can be discovered in a serendipitous encounter. Armed with knowledge about a person’s passions, needs, or interests, you can do more than connect; you’ll have an opportunity to bond and impress.

That’s really it in a nutshell. If you can find that thread of common interest quickly and effectively and if you can find some value to exchange, you’re much, much more likely to start building a worthwhile relationship with the person in question.

This is the complete opposite of the “schmoozer” mentioned earlier in the book. This is all about being useful and providing value.

Of course, this takes time. If your goal is just to press as many business cards as you can into people’s palms, you’re never going to be able to build these kinds of value-based relationships.

By Location
One advantage of amassing connections all across the country is that it adds value to every trip you take. On page 76, Ferrazzi expands on this idea:

I … create call sheets by region, listing the people I know and those I’d like to know. When I’m in a given town, I try to phone as many people as I can.

This is one of the big reasons to have a big online address book that contains geographical locations. Let’s say you’re going to travel to, say, Tacoma, on a work trip. You can search your address book for everyone you know in Oregon and check to see which ones are in the Tacoma and Seattle areas.

Then, when you have a schedule for your trip, get ahold of those people and set up some meetings. Have coffee with those folks. Almost every trip has significant downtime – why not fill it with meeting people you’d like to know?

Near the end of my previous career, I started doing this with gusto. I would constantly meet with people both in my career path and outside of it while traveling and rarely ate alone. It not only made the trips more interesting, but it helped me build some really great relationships.

Who Do I Want To Know?
How can you have any idea who you want to meet if you’ve never gone to a conference before? Ferrazzi answers that question on page 76:

When you’re looking for people to reach out to, you’ll find them everywhere. One great resource for making lists is – it almost sounds absurd – other people’s lists. Newspapers and magazines do rankings of this sort all the time.

You know what field the conference is in. Just make a big list of people you’d like to meet. Find interesting people online and see if they’ll be there. Or start with the conference program – dig through it, see who’ll be there, and research some of them to learn more about them.

Eventually, you will find quite a few people you want to meet – and if you don’t, why on earth are you going to this meeting?

My problem is usually figuring out people to focus on, because when I read the program for an interesting meeting (and research some of the people), I see tons of people I want to meet.

Aspirational Contacts
On page 77, Ferrazzi talks about “aspirational contacts” – people we’d love to meet someday:

There’s another category you might want to add, something I call my “aspirational contacts.” There are those extremely high-level people who have nothing to do with my business at hand but are just, well, interesting or successful or both. The people on the list can be anyone from heads of state and media moguls to artists and actors, to people others speak highly of.

I have a list like this, actually. People on it include Dave Ramsey and Stephen King. These aren’t people that I know at all right now, nor do I have their contact information. But I’d like to, and if I ever have an opportunity to legitimately contact the people on this list, I’d jump at it.

Why have these people? To be honest, I have little interest in meeting most “famous” people. I’d only like to meet people whose work interests me in some deep way.

So I keep a list, to remind me that I should always keep looking up.

Who’s on your aspirational list? Why?

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the ninth and tenth chapters – “Warming the Cold Call” and “Managing the Gatekeeper – Artfully.”

This is the third of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the fifth and sixth chapters, “The Genius of Audacity” and “The Networking Jerk,” which appear on pages 48 through 66.

Let’s face it, I’m an introvert.

The idea of interacting with people, particularly people I don’t know well, makes me uneasy. My natural disposition is to just get quiet in a room full of people and just wait for people I know well or wait for the situation to be over.

It took me a long time to learn that such behavior is a fast route to failure.

It takes a lot of courage for me to do anything else. I have to focus on it carefully. I have to psychologically prepare myself. But, every time I do it, I find myself building relationships. And I also find that it becomes just a little bit easier to do it.

Be Gutsy
On page 49, Ferrazzi tells an awesome story about a childhood experience centered around poverty and audacity:

My father simply couldn’t be embarrassed when it came to fulfilling his family’s needs. I remember once we were driving down the road to our home when Dad spotted a broken Big Wheel tricycle in someone’s trash. He stopped the car, picked it up, and knocked on the door of the home where the discarded toy lay waiting to be picked up.

“I spotted this Big Wheel in your trash,” he told the owner. “Do you mind if I take it? I think I can fix it. It would make me feel wonderful to give my son something like this.”

What guts! Can you imagine such a proud, working-class guy approaching that woman and, essentially, admitting he’s so poor that he’d like to have her garbage?

Oh, but that’s not the half of it. Imagine how that woman felt, having been given an opportunity to give such a gift to another person. It surely made her day.

“Of course,” she gushed, explaining that her children were grown and that years had passed since the toy had been used. “You’re welcome to the bicycle I have, too. It’s nice enough that I just couldn’t throw it away…”

So we drove on. I had a “new” Big Wheel to ride on and a bike to grow into. She had a smile and a fluttering heart that only benevolence breeds. And Dad had taught me that there is genius, even kindness, in being bold.

I couldn’t help but think of my own childhood when I read this story. I grew up poor, probably at a level similar to Ferrazzi. I saw my father do similar things, picking through other’s junk to find things that were usable for us.

For a long time in my life, I saw it as sad. I saw it as something I should be trying to escape from. I didn’t want to be a parent that scavenged through junk for stuff for my kids.

Now, I see it as smart and resourceful and audacious and courageous. I’m perfectly happy to do that sort of digging if there’s something worth digging for.

What changed? I think the biggest switch was actually courage. It takes courage to do the unexpected.

Find a Role Model
Often, your friends are quite a bit like you – and that can be a disadvantage. On page 52:

We’re predisposed to seek out people like us – shy people tend to congregate with other shy people, and outgoing people congregate with outgoing people – because they unconsciously affirm our own behaviors. But everyone knows that one person in their group of friends and associates who seems to engage others with little or no fear. If you’re not yet ready to take the big leap of addressing new people on your own, let these people help you and show you the way. Take them with you, when appropriate, to social outings and observe their behaviors. Pay attention to their actions. Over time, you’ll adopt some of their techniques. Slowly, you’ll build up the courage to reach out by yourself.

A while ago, I used to think that I had little to say to other people. I didn’t think I had much in common with them, that my interests were very different.

What I found, actually, is that my lifetime history of reading almost everything I could get my hands on really paid off. I can converse about anything, allowing others to more or less choose the topic. I can talk about sports, art, popular culture, politics, or anything else that comes up. I might not be an expert, but I know something about it.

Sure, I have key interests, things that really light my fire. But when I realized that I could just hone in on what interests other people and at least be able to follow the conversation, it made it much easier to get to know people at least a little. Even better, I often would find that I had more in common with people than I would have thought, because everyone has a diversity of interests (even if they don’t come out at first).

This makes it easier for me to approach people that I don’t know. I usually just go up to them and try to figure out (as quickly as I can) something they’re passionate about. If I don’t know, I ask them to tell me about their hobbies and how they spend their free time, then I just hone in on the most promising thing. This almost always works.

A Modest Goal
How can you get started building relationships with others? On page 53, Ferrazzi suggests making it a goal:

Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn’t matter where or with whom. Introduce yourself to someone on the bus. Slide up next to someone at the bar and say hello. Hang out at the company water cooler and force yourself to talk to a fellow employee you’ve never spoken with. You’ll find that it gets easier and easier with practice. Best of all, you’ll get comfortable with the idea of rejection. With that perspective, even failure becomes a step forward. Embrace it as learning. As the playwright Samuel Beckett wrote, “Fail, fail again. Fail better.”

This is a great habit to get into, actually. If you make it your goal to talk to someone new every week – or, even better, every day – you’re forcing yourself to at least attempt to build new relationships.

Sure, some of these will amount to nothing. I’d argue that most will amount to nothing. But that’s fine. Even if they don’t, you’ve become a little bit more comfortable approaching people and striking up conversations.

And, every once in a while, you’ll connect really well with someone, enough to exchange contact info with them. Those connections you do make will make the courage to try and the failures well worth it.

The Networking Jerk
On page 56, Ferrazzi looks at the negative impression that networking often has:

He is the man or she is the woman with a martini in one hand, business cards in the other, and a prerehearsed elevator pitch always at the ready. He or she is a schmooze artist, eyes darting at every event in a constant search for a bigger fish to fry. He or she is the insincere, ruthlessly ambitious glad-handler you don’t want to become.

The networking jerk is the image that many people have when they hear the word “networking.” But in my book, this breed of hyper-Rolodex-builder and card-counte fails to grasp the nuance of authentic connecting. Their shtick doesn’t work because they don’t know the first thing about creating meaningful relationships.

When Never Eat Alone was first recommended to me, I had an extremely negative view of networking. I had attended several meetings and conferences where a handful of people spent all their time “networking,” which meant that they just went from person to person, made pointless small talk, pushed their business cards into your hand, slapped you on the back, and moved on.

Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed. Those people came off as complete losers and the entire idea of “networking” left a really bad taste in my mouth. I pretty much resolved, right then and there, to never “network.”

Though my opinion on the behavior that those people exhibited hasn’t changed at all, over time, I have started to “network” – just not in their way.

For example, if I go to a meeting, I make a conscious effort to have as many worthwhile conversations as possible. I talk to speakers if I’m interested in what they’re talking about. I talk to people who are asking interesting questions.

Sometimes, I click with the people I talk to – sometimes I don’t. When I do click, I make sure to exchange contact info with them and often I’ll try to have dinner or lunch or breakfast or a drink with them during the conference later on. Then, when I get home, I follow up by Googling them, finding out more about them, and continuing the conversation over email.

The last thing I want to do is be the kind of sleazebag that goes from person to person, jamming unwanted business cards in their hands.

Don’t Schmooze
So how can you avoid being that kind of schmoozer that no one likes? Ferrazzi’s best tip is on page 58:

Have something to say, and say it with passion. Make sure you have something to offer when you speak, and offer it with sincerity. Most people haven’t figured out that it’s better to spend more time with fewer people at a one-hour get together and have one or two meaningful dialogues than engage in the wandering-eye routine and lose the respect of most of the people you meet.

If you have nothing to say to a person, don’t say anything at all. Don’t even bother unless you have something of value to contribute or to ask.

I think this is where most of the networking “sliminess” comes from. People attempt to make small talk out of the blue, just walking up to you and saying words that really have no value in an effort to just get a business card shoved in your hand.

That’s terrible. It’s not useful to either person. The person schmoozing wastes time and a business card. The person schmoozed wastes time and has to throw away a business card.

Instead, just focus on talking to people to which you actually have something useful to say. Have a question in mind that you’d actually like to know the answer to, or have some sort of information in mind that the person will obviously find useful. Without that, what are you doing, really? Just schmoozing.

Inefficiency
On page 60, Ferrazzi points out something really bad that people do all the time online:

Nothing comes off as less sincere than receiving a mass e-mail addressed to a long list of recipients. Reaching out to others is not a numbers game. Your goal is to make genuine connections with people you can count on.

Unless I’ve opted in for that email (like a mailing list I’ve chosen myself to sign up for), I find mass emails and auto-responses to be a massive turnoff. Nothing says “you’re just another entry in my address book” like an automatic email or an email with fifty recipients.

If you have a message you want to communicate to a lot of people, use a service where people have chosen to follow you, like Twitter or Facebook, or write individual emails. Otherwise, you’re just sending them spam, and most of the time, they won’t like it.

Even worse are automatic responses, like when I send an email to someone and I get an automatic response telling me that they may or may not actually respond to my email. You know, I expect that already. All your auto-reply did is waste my time and tell me that you’re likely far too busy to bother with me.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the seventh and eighth chapters – “Do Your Homework” and “Take Names.”

This is the second of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the third and fourth chapters, “What’s Your Mission?” and “Build It Before You Need It,” which appear on pages 23 through 47.

One of the most fascinating parts (for me) about Never Eat Alone is the connection established between personal relationships and personal goals.

It’s not a connection that many people make. Most people think of goals as something that we define all on our own and work towards on some sort of solitary journey, like John Wayne or Lao-Tzu.

In truth, we’re often heavily dependent on the people around us for success in our goals. We need our family to be on our side. We need other people to provide us with key advice when we need it. We may need others to provide more tangible help, like an opportunity or an interview or a loan.

This human aspect of goal-setting is something I’d not considered at all before reading Never Eat Alone, and this portion of the book really focuses on that idea.

“A Goal Is a Dream With a Deadline”
One of the best summaries I’ve ever heard of what a goal actually is appears on page 25:

The best definition of a “goal” I’ve ever heard came from an extraordinarily successful saleswoman I met at a conference who told me, “A goal is a dream with a deadline.” That marvelous definition drives home a very important point. Before you start writing down your goals, you’d better know what your dream is. Otherwise, you might find yourself headed for a destination you never wanted to get to in the first place.

For a long time, I fell into this trap. I’ve always been good at setting short- and medium-term goals, especially in my career, and for a long time, I marched into my previous career using these goals.

At some point, though, I realized that my career march wasn’t in line at all with my biggest passions in life – my family, writing, and learning new things. I had done a great job of figuring out short-term goals for myself, but I didn’t really ask myself if I was walking along a path I really wanted.

I did a great job of keeping my eyes on the sidewalk and putting one foot in front of the other, but I hadn’t really thought about where I’d wind up and whether I wanted to be there.

When I stepped back and thought about it, I realized that the place I wanted to go was a place where I was a full-time writer with enough flexibility to spend time with my family whenever and however I wanted. And although I was proceeding right along a career path, it wasn’t really the path I wanted to be on.

Goals don’t mean much if you’re unhappy with where you’re headed.

Creating a People-Oriented Plan
Ferrazzi argues that the best way to achieve a big goal is to plan carefully for it and recognize that it’ll require the help of others to get there. On page 29:

The [p]lan is separated into three distinct parts: The first part is devoted to the development of the goals that will help you fulfill your mission. The second part is devoted to connecting those goals to the people, places, and things that will help you get the job done. And the third part helps you determine the best way to reach out to the people who will help you accomplish your goals.

Yes, other people are essential to successfully accomplishing your goals. They motivate you. They open doors for you. They offer you advice and help. Ferrazzi’s twist is to focus on people as a big part of your goal planning. And doing that can really transform the way you do things.

Take, for example, my desire to get into better shape. That might seem like a deeply personal goal, but there’s a huge social component to it. I need my wife to be supportive and to be willing to give me the daily hour or two I need to get into shape. I need my kids to be supportive and be open to eating healthier options. I certainly utilize people on websites where I share my exercise data and set shared goals with them.

Try this on for size. Take a big goal you have in mind for your life. Now, start thinking of all of the people you’ll need to help you and be supportive towards you for you to make it. Usually, it’s going to be a lot of people.

Right there, you have a list of relationships you should be focused on shoring up. Because without those people, you won’t reach your own goals.

Specific Goals
Another big part of making goals successful is to make them very specific and very tight. On page 32:

Your goals must be specific. Vague, sweeping goals are too broad to be acted upon. They must be concrete and detailed. Know what steps you’ll take to achieve your goal, the date by which it will be accomplished, and the measurement you’ll use to gauge whether you’ve achieved the goal or not.

It can be really hard to do this with big, nebulous long-term dreams, and thus many people ignore this kind of advice with regards to them.

But there’s a much better way.

Instead of focusing on those huge dreams, break them down. What do you need to do in the next month to get there?

Let’s say you dream of running a marathon, but you’re a couch potato. Saying “I’ll run a marathon someday” won’t get you there. Instead, ask yourself what you can do this week to get there. You need to surround yourself with supporters. You need to get out there and start walking, because that’s the first step. You need to keep track of exactly what you’re doing.

Personal finance goals are the same thing. You need to get your spouse or your parents on the same page with you. You need to start looking at the short term – cutting spending this week and this month and setting up a debt repayment plan now. What are you going to do at the end of the month? Not add any more debt… and make a double or triple payment on one of your debts.

That’s how you do it, and it works with any big goal you have in your life.

Getting It Backwards
Many people put the cart before the horse, putting the “me” part of personal goals ahead of building relationships. Ferrazzi talks about a discussion he had with someone doing this, on page 42:

“Have you started to reach out to potential clients?” I asked.

“No,” he told me. “I’m taking it step by step. My plan is to work my way up in my current company to a point where I can afford to leave. Then I’ll incorporate, get an office, and start searching for my first customers. I don’t want to start meeting with potential clients until I can presnet myself as a credible PR person with my own firm.”

“You’ve got it totally backwards,” I told him. “You’re setting yourself up for failure.”

You have goals in mind right now and you’ll likely have more goals in the future. All of those goals will require people for success – you know that now.

So why not start building those relationships now?

Sure, you might find that some of the relationships you build now might not match up well with you in the future. You completely change careers. You move far away.

But many of those relationships will remain if you’ve put real value into them, and you might just find that those relationships pop up when you need them.

The internet makes the world a smaller and smaller place every single day. I have friends in Africa and Australia that I’ve never met face to face – but if I ever go to the Ivory Coast or to Sydney, they’ll be the first people I get in touch with – and I have no doubt they’ll help me get my feet on the ground. I keep in touch with tons of people from my past, dating all the way back to my close friends in grade school – and we’ve helped each other as adults without ever bumping into each other face to face.

Every time you have a chance to give of yourself to someone else, do it. You’ll be amazed how often those relationships you’ve built will pop up again and again in your life.

Efficiently Doing Ineffective Things
Busywork is often the opponent of building such relationships. On page 44:

Too often, we get caught up efficiently doing ineffective things, focusing solely on the work that will get us through the day. The idea isn’t to find oneself another environment tomorrow – be it a new job or a new economy – but to be constantly creating the environment and community you want for yourself, no matter what may occur.

I certainly fall into this trap. Many days, I’m busy from the moment I get up to the moment I fall in bed. I’ve grown pretty efficient at managing a lot of things in my life – my family, my writing, connecting with readers, and so on. Still, it’s easy to let the “important but not urgent” things fall through the cracks in my life.

Clearly, keeping tabs with old connections (and building new ones) fall into the category of “important but not urgent.” So, I treat it the same way that I do other “important but not urgent” tasks – I make room in my life to do a few of them a day.

In fact, I plan ahead for this. I keep a big list of people I like to keep in contact with and each day, I make an effort to at least look them up and see what they’re up to. Quite often, this will lead me to giving them a call or sending them an email. Sometimes, I can contribute something of use to what they’re doing – offering advice, exposure of their work, a direct helping hand, or making a connection for them.

This type of “touching base” is just a part of my daily routine now – and I’m glad that it is.

Right Here, Right Now
What kinds of things can you do proactively to build new relationships. On page 45, Ferrazzi outlines four options:

Right now, there are countless ways you can begin to create the kind of community that can help further your career. You can: (1) create a company-approved project that will force you to learn new skills and introduce you to new people within your company; (2) take on leadership positions in the hobbies and outside organizations that interest you; (3) join your local alumni club and spend time with people who are doing the jobs you’d like to be doing; (4) enroll in a class at a community college on a subject that relates to either the job you’re doing now or a job you see yourself doing in the future.

These just scratch the surface. If you dig into each one, it’s easy to see tons of options inside of those, and it doesn’t even include online networking possibilities.

I’ll walk through each one of these four and point out some opportunities that might work for you within each one. If you have some great ideas, don’t be afraid to toss them up in the comments.

Create a work project. Many people wait for the opportunity to plop on their plate, but quite often these rewards go to the proactive. Look around. What doesn’t work at work? Are there some ordinary tasks that just annoy everyone? Why not come up with a plan to fix it and ask for permission to make it happen? Estimate the time/money you could save everyone and just pitch it. The worst thing that could happen is that you get told no. The best thing? You make the workplace better for everyone, learn some new skills, and get the profound respect of your boss.

Leadership in hobbies and other organizations. What do you enjoy doing? What personal skills would you really like to build? Are there any groups in the area that revolve around those areas? Find these groups and get involved. Step up to the plate and be a leader. If these groups don’t exist, start one.

Join an alumni club. Facebook and LinkedIn have effectively become online alumni clubs. Dig through people who identify themselves with your schools, with organizations you were involved with, and with places where you’ve worked. Boom – you’ve found a big group of people you have something in common with.

Take a class at a community college. It’s not even so much about the class, it’s about the people. If they’re taking an evening or weekend class, they want to be there, and thus they’re the perfect people to build relationships with.

On Wednesday, we’ll tackle the fifth and sixth chapters – “The Genius of Audacity” and “The Networking Jerk.”

This is the first of sixteen parts of a “book club” reading and discussion of Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz’s Never Eat Alone, where this book on building a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors is teased apart and looked at in detail. This entry covers the first two chapters, “Becoming a Member of the Club” and “Don’t Keep Score,” which appear on pages 3 through 22.

After the success of the recent Total Money Makeover book club (with lots of good discussion and a flood of great feedback), I wanted to give it another try – a nice, long discussion about a book that made me think about my money and my life.

This time, though, I decided to take it in a bit of a different direction with a more unorthodox book selection (at least given the “personal finance” nature of The Simple Dollar).

Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz is about building relationships, both professional and personal. The subtitle of the book sums it up: How to Build a Lifelong Community of Colleagues, Contacts, Friends, and Mentors.

Why discuss a book like this in such detail? It’s simple: I believe that a healthy net of relationships is the most valuable thing that we can build. With a wide circle of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors around us, we can rely on them for help when we need it and also receive unexpected help on a regular basis. All of these things “grease the skids” for great things in life (and help when the chips are down) in ways that we can’t possibly execute alone. Such a network can provide everything from material help, helping hands when we’re working on a task, advice, opportunities, information, companionship, and much more.

I’ve read many books on this topic and I keep turning back to Never Eat Alone. It packs together the ideas in an incredibly effective package.

Let’s dig in.

It’s Not About Quid Pro Quo
Ferrazzi offers this insight on page 7:

What many of my fellow [business school] students lacked, I discovered, were the skills and strategies that are associated with fostering and building relationships. In America, and especially in business, we’re brought up to cherish John Wayne individualism. People who consciously court others to become involved in their lives are seen as schmoozers, brown-nosers, smarmy sycophants.

Over the years, I learned that the outrageous number of misperceptions clouding those who are active relationship-builders is equaled only by the misperceptions of how relationship-building is done properly. What I saw on the golf course – friends helping friends and families helping families they cared about – had nothing to do with manipulation or quid pro quo. Rarely was there any running tally of who did what for whom, or strategies concocted in which you give just so you could get.

I read this bit and immediately thought about my father. During my entire life, it’s seemed to me like he’s constantly doing things for other people. He shares vegetables he grew with them, he shares fish he caught with them, he shares the wine he made with them, he goes to their homes and helps them out when they need help. He fills his spare time doing these things, engaging in hobbies where the product can be shared easily with friends or actually working with friends on projects.

What’s the end result? Every single day, a small army of people just stop at my parents’ house, mostly to visit my father. He spends a good chunk of the day holding court, talking to people in his garage or out in the garden. They constantly bring him food, information, and advice, and if he needs a hand with anything, there’s always help right there.

In just the last year, people have given my parents a kids’ bed (for the guest bedroom, which we use when we stay there), a new kitchen table, a small mountain of food, free repair of a lawnmower and of a vehicle, and countless other things I’ve not even heard about.

When Dad does something to help someone else, he doesn’t expect anything in return. Random people he’s never met before can wind up at our house, just to place a phone call or something similar, and within a half an hour they’ll be loaded down with garden vegetables and enjoying a glass of wine with him. He might never see that person again – but he doesn’t care. If that person leaves with a smile on his or her face, Dad’s happy.

After doing this for years and years, though, it’s returned to him in spades. He has more good relationships with people than anyone I know, and those relationships are constantly handing him advice, material items, and help when he needs it.

It’s not about a quid pro quo at all. It’s just about giving of yourself and not really worrying about the return.

Mutual Need
On page 16, Ferrazzi touches on the idea of mutual need:

A network functions precisely because there’s recognition of mutual need. There’s an implicit understanding that investing time and energy in building personal relationships with the right people will pay dividends. The majority of “one percenters,” as I call the ultra-rich and successful whom many of my mentees aspire toward, are one percenters because they understand the dynamic – because, in fact, they themselves use the power of their network of contacts and friends to arrive at their present station.

It’s naive to think that people enter into a relationship without expecting to get something out of it, even if it’s something as simple as companionship. The more time and energy we invest in relationships, the more valuable we expect those relationships to become.

What’s different here is to realize that you need each other. No relationship is one-way – you give to them because they need it, and they give to you because you need it. It doesn’t have to be perfectly in balance at all, but relationships that are completely out of balance collapse eventually.

The time to cement a relationship is when you don’t need it – and they do need it. If you continually step up when others need you, you’ll find that people step up for you when you need it. It might not be perfectly symmetrical, but it’s certainly present.

Stop Keeping Score
What about the tendency to “keep score”? What if you help someone and they don’t help you back? If you’re focused on that, you’ll never actually benefit from such a network. From page 16:

[F]irst you have to stop keeping score. You can’t amass a network of connections without introducing such connections to others with equal fervor. The more people you help, the more help you’ll have and the more help you’ll have helping others. It’s like the Internet. The more people who have access, and use it, the more valuable the Internet becomes.

A network is not about a series of one-to-one relationships. In any such relationship, it’s likely that one person will give more than the other – sometimes you’ll give more and sometimes the other person will.

What’s important is the aggregate. Overall, on the whole, you should be giving at least as much as you’re getting. The more you give, the more value you’re perceived to have overall. The more you take, the less value you’re perceived to have.

I can’t help but think of one of my old “friends” who was one of those “takers.” If you did anything to help him out, instead of helping in return, he would ask for more help.

What happened to him? To tell the truth, I have no idea. Virtually no one knows what actually did happen to him. He dropped out of my network after a while and, eventually, out of the network of everyone else I know. Last I knew, he had completely abandoned what had once been a promising career and had gone back to school, with virtually no connections at all in his old career.

He took more than he gave – and now he’s left with nothing except an older body and an older mind.

Where’s Your Loyalty?
On page 17, Ferrazzi makes a crucial point about the fundamental shift in trust and loyalty that’s happened in the modern workplace:

Where employees once found generosity and loyalty in the companies we worked for, today we must find them in a web of our own relationships. It isn’t the blind loyalty and generosity we once gave to a corporation. It’s a more personal kind of loyalty and generosity, one given to your colleagues, your team, your friends, your customers.

This is a theme that’s run through a lot of recent books on the modern workplace, from Escape from Cubicle Nation to Career Renegade. To put it simply, your loyalty should be to your coworkers, not to your company.

Quite often, that means producing in a way that’s beneficial to your company, but your loyalty should not be to the company. In fact, most of the time, it’s very difficult to distinguish between the two of them.

The difference comes about when people leave the company and move on to new things. That person may no longer be a part of your company, but they’re still part of your social network. You still have loyalty to them. You continue that relationship, sharing what you know (of course, without undermining the rest of your network) and helping when you can.

In effect, a network that includes a lot of people at other businesses is far stronger than one just including the people in your office. Let’s say you’re downsized – people in your own office aren’t going to be able to help. It’s going to require some help from people outside of your business.

Job Security
On page 21, Ferrazzi makes a great point about the true nature of job security today:

Job security? Experience will not save you in hard times, nor will hard work or talent. If you need a job, money, advice, help, hope, or a means to make a sale, there’s only one surefire, fail-safe place to find them – within your extended circle of friends and associates.

This is undeniably true. There is no significant job I’ve had in my life that wasn’t at least partly set up by a personal connection I made.

My first job in college was found by my academic advisor. We had several long discussions about the growing role of computer use in the life sciences and he decided to hire me to work in a public computing lab where software was used for simple biological data analysis. Later on, he also helped to place me in a research lab, a job I enjoyed but didn’t quite click with.

While working in that computer lab, I built a great relationship with one of the full-time system support people working in the same circles. He got me a job as an undergraduate researcher developing software for a scientist.

When I was about to graduate, that scientist was happy enough with my work that he essentially found me a full time position working for him – in truth, he seemed to craft it out of thin air. This was during the worst part of the job market in late 2001 and early 2002, where none of my fellow graduates seemed to be finding work.

Later (when the funding situation changed), he did everything but hand out bribes to get my foot in the door with a more permanent job with another entity doing similar work.

Every single job I’ve mentioned here was made possible thanks to relationships I’d built. How did I build them? I just worked selflessly, sharing what I knew with the people around me and stepping up to the plate when there was a real need.

My experience didn’t really help, nor did my knowledge or my degrees. What helped more than anything was the relationships.

Contribute.
On page 22, Ferrazzi drops the real key to building a valuable network:

Contribute. It’s like Miracle-Gro for networks. Give your time, money, and expertise to your growing community of friends.

In other words, the first step is always in your court. Do you have something to give right now? Is there someone you can help?

Don’t worry about getting back. Just give. Contribute what you know and you have.

Why not start today? Do you have a friend who could use some help? Why not give that help without anything in return? Do it a few more times, with other friends or work associates. Enjoy it. Then, see what happens when you make it a regular habit.

You’ll feel better about yourself. You’ll have friends and connections that feel better about you. And, in the end, you’ll have more value floating around you than you know how to deal with.

Do you believe in such reciprocity of relationships? Do you believe that by giving when others need it without expecting anything in return that others will be there for you when you need it? I wholly believe in it, because I’ve seen it again and again in my life.

On Saturday, we’ll tackle the third and fourth chapters – What’s Your Mission? and Build It Before You Need It.