“I think the girl who is able to earn her own living and pay her own way should be as happy as anybody on earth.” – Susan B. Anthony

Today, I’m going to talk about my daughter.

In many regards, she’s a pretty typical four year old girl – at least judging by her peers. She likes to play dress-up – in fact, we have a dress-up tub in our basement just for her. Her favorite place on our property is the sandbox, and the part about winter that she hates is that she really can’t play in that sandbox. She loves to sing and dance, and we can rarely drive more than two minutes without her bursting into song in the back seat. Her favorite toys are building blocks, from which she can build giant towers and crazy sculptures. She seems to believe that a day isn’t complete without an art project, preferably one that involves paper and glue and markers and pens and clay.

Of our three children, she’s often the one I have the hardest time relating to. I grew up in a household that held nothing but boys. All I have is brothers, and all of their friends and most of my friends growing up were boys. The only children close to my age that lived near us were boys. I’m used to the “boy” experience and I understand how boys respond to most situations. The behavior of my oldest child and my youngest child – both boys – makes sense to me based on my own experiences.

My daughter is a bit of a different story. I find myself often watching how she acts more than the other two simply because she often reacts and does things in ways that I don’t expect. She’s a beautiful enigma to me at many times.

After her fourth birthday, we started giving her an allowance, just like her older brother. They both use Money Savvy Pigs and divide up the small weekly allowance (paid in quarters) among the slots.

My oldest son has always taken the “invest” slot in the bank for granted. He puts the minimum amount of quarters into that slot and, although he occasionally asks about it, he actually focuses more on the “save” and “donate” slots. He’s not much of an impulse spender, as he’s already been able to save up for a few very expensive items, and he’s proud to be saving his nickels and dimes for Jump for Joel.

My daughter, on the other hand, was immediately curious about that “invest” slot. What will we do with that money? Will we spend it? What does “I-N-V-E-S-T” mean?

I told her that the money in that slot was for saving for things when she was much older, like college or a car or something like that. We talked a little bit about how many quarters would be in that slot by the time she was sixteen.

Then, I set the hook. “You know, the money in that slot has the power to grow on its own.”

Her eyes lit up. I explained that we could take that money to a bank and put it in a savings account, and for every four quarters she left in there for a while, the bank would give her a penny. I mentioned that there were other things you can invest in where you might even earn more than that, but you might also lose some money, too.

She was fascinated. She wanted to start “invess-TING” right now. Right now.

Before I had a daughter, I didn’t know what to expect. Now I do. This girl is a thoughtful, intelligent, quick-witted, vibrant person who deserves every chance in the world to take it all by storm. She has all the ability in the world and a skill set that is different from but at least equal to that of her siblings.

When I hear that there is still a pay discrepancy between genders, I shudder. She’s growing the passion and skills needed to take on practically any job thrown before her, so why should she not receive equal pay?

When I see that an opportunity discrepancy still exists (whether in fact or in perception), I shake my head. She’s incredibly capable of taking on impressive challenges, even at her young age. Why shouldn’t she get that opportunity as she reaches adulthood?

One of the personal goals that Sarah and I have for our children is to ensure that they can follow any educational path after high school that they wish and they won’t be limited by money or economic opportunity. Part of achieving that goal is to make sure that they have every skill and every piece of knowledge that we can give to them as they grow up. I want every single one of them to swing for the fences, and the biggest thing I hope for is that they’re each judged by and are given opportunities by the level of their skills and the content of their character, not by their gender.

How do we do that? We have well-funded 529s for each of them. We spend a lot of time engaging with them on educational endeavors – a trip to the Science Center of Iowa is a family event, for example, and we’re constantly doing writing activities and math activities and science experiments together as a family. In contrast to a lot of what we see around us, we’re encouraging our children to take control of tasks and projects and assert their independence. For example, our six year old can find his clothes, take a shower, get himself dressed, brush his teeth, pack his backpack, and get out to the bus stop in the morning (I’m around to converse with him, but he does this himself).

This little girl (and her two siblings) deserves every opportunity in the world, and it’s our job to make sure they have every tool we can give them to grab ahold of those opportunities and run wild with them. Doing that is a financial commitment and a time commitment and an energy and patience commitment, but it’s one that has giant rewards: independently functioning and thinking adults who can make a positive impact in the world.

That, to me, is “invess-TING” at its finest.

Karen writes in:

I have a question I think it would be interesting for you to attempt to tackle. You approach so many decisions with a methodical and disciplined calculus that often leads you to great time and money savers…Can you address what I’ll call ” the children paradox” and maybe provide some insight that I am not seeing.

Children paradox: “Children cost lots of time and money, so maybe on an individual basis we have incentive not to have them. But in the aggregate, we need them (to sustain the species, economy, etc.)”

On a personal basis, I see having children as a money and time drain. At the very least, it will be an alteration in lifestyle. I question the return on investment in going down to one income (for at least some period, up to five years), incurring the cost of child care, inconveniences to lifestyle, increased living expenses, and paying for college. Where is the upside? I don’t see what my incentive is for having children. How is this in my personal best interest?

I have thought about it in terms of national duty, as in perhaps an educated person of means has a duty to help support the country’s population and pass those “striver” genes on to the next generation. I have even thought about it in vainer terms, as in some kind of personal legacy. I have even considered the need for a much older and senile future self to have someone (my offspring) check me into retirement home. I just can’t get on board with my wife, whom I believe just wants to have a child out of evolutionary instinct. She wants the experience of pregnancy and motherhood. I wouldn’t want to deny her anything, but having children seems such a weighty thing to do in order to “have the experience”. It is a huge commitment.

I know you have children that are clearly a priority for you…but how do you reconcile that investment/opportunity cost with others (being able to travel, own your home sooner, etc.)?

I think there are a mix of answers to the questions you’re asking.

For one, I think some number of parents simply fall into parenting. Being a parent isn’t really something they hold as a deep personal value, but when the child arrives, they feel a natural obligation to do the best that they can to care for that child. It’s a big responsibility and one that comes with quite a lot of emotional reward along the way, so it’s not surprising that when some people become parents, they try to do a good job. (Of course, as we all know, there are a good number of parents out there doing a poor job, too.)

Simply put, as long as there are males and females around in sufficient quantities, there will be children around in sufficient quantities. It’s just a natural outcome.

I think what you’re asking, though, is why would people choose to and plan to become parents? Obviously, parenthood is something Sarah and I thought a lot about and made a conscious choice to take on in our lives.

In many ways, it simply comes down to what’s personally important to you. For some, the process of being a parent is an important life goal. I believe that part of what I was put on this earth to do is to raise three productive and capable people who will have a positive impact on the world. The privilege to be a steward to these children as they grow into adults is a privilege I’m very proud to have and that I enjoy very deeply.

Other people have other things that are personally important to them. Some want to see the world. Others want to start a business empire. Still others work to make the lives of others better. Yet others seek to accumulate personal wealth. There are a lot of personal goals that others have that I frankly don’t understand (much as you seem to feel about parenting), but I see such goals as a positive (assuming the passions aren’t destructive to people who don’t choose to be involved in them).

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for some people to not want to be parents and to have other things that are important to them. The key thing is that you’ve found something in your life that is important to you, whatever that may be, and that you’re investing your resources into it because it fulfills you. Without that, life would be a pretty empty place, I would think.

Most of us spend our lives working for those things that are important to us, whether it’s parenting or something else entirely. It’s the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. It’s the motivation to push ourselves a little bit more.

Is choosing to be a parent an economically challenging choice? Of course it is. However, most of the things I listed above are economically challenging choices. If we hadn’t had children, for example, Sarah and I probably would have traveled a great deal more than we have, which would have eaten a lot of the money we “saved” by not having children. Instead of having our oldest son, for example, I might have memories of visiting the Temple Mount (a place Sarah and I have always wanted to visit).

Simply put, people invest their resources (time, money, energy, skills, and so on) into the things that are personally important to them. For me, one thing that’s very important is my children, so I invest my resources into caring for them. For others, children might be of little or no importance, so they choose to invest their resources elsewhere.

The purpose of The Simple Dollar is to look at ways to be more efficient in investing your resources, particularly in areas that are less important to you. For example, no one wants to have a high energy bill, so energy savings is something that all of us can use to reduce the resources we invest in our energy needs and thus raise the resources available for the other things in our lives.

Whenever I see someone doing something they obviously love, I usually think to myself that it’s a pretty awesome thing (I was actually just thinking this the other day when I watched a skilled person making sidewalk art). Most of the time, when you see a parent, you’re seeing someone doing something they love (even if it might be frustrating in the short term, which parenting can often be). Use it as inspiration. If they’re doing something they love, even when it’s challenging, why can’t I?

Every Sunday, The Simple Dollar reviews a personal finance or other book of interest. Also available is a complete list of the hundreds of book reviews that have appeared on The Simple Dollar over the years.

One of the most powerful books I’ve read since starting The Simple Dollar is Juliet Schor’s Born to Buy. The book discusses the tactics and impact of marketing consumer goods to young children, turning them into buyers at a very young age. I found the book so compelling that I eventually wrote a nineteen part series discussing the book in detail.

Recently, I came across Buy, Buy Baby by Susan Gregory Thomas, which seems to focus on a similar topic. How pervasive is marketing to small children? How much of an impact does it have on them as a budding consumer? What kind of long term effect does it have?

Even more so than Born to Buy, Buy, Buy Baby focuses specifically on marketing targeting infants and toddlers.

Learn Something New Every Day
The book opens by examining the marketing of “learning” toys, such as the products of LeapFrog. Many parents tend to happily buy such products because they believe that they foster children into learning something new every day. However, the evidence that such products actually bring about learning beyond a level that children would get from an ordinary environment is very thin. Many learning toys merely package together things that can be found inexpensively or for free elsewhere, promote them with a heavy dollop of parental guilt and desire for their children to be intelligent, and sell the items at an elevated price.

“There’s a New Mom in Town”
Another tactic that often attracts parents – particularly mothers – to particular products is the promotion of motherhood and other “relatable” mothers as product salespeople. Simply by showing a mother who “has it all” in the product pitch (usually meaning cute children and a happy family with a few relatable minor foibles), the product becomes simultaneously relatable and aspirational, which makes mothers like this powerful salespeople. This is a big reason for the huge connection between “mommy blogs” and marketing promotions. If you read many “mommy blogs,” you’ve probably noticed the huge number of products given away on them. That’s why – “mommy bloggers” make great spokespeople.

“It’s Like Preschool on TV”
The idea that school is a good thing is a deep cultural value in America. Not only does it provide the children with education, it also gives the parents the free time with which to work and create income for the family. Turning that very thing into a product makes great sense for marketers, and the television provides a great medium for this through videos like Baby Einstein and shows like Sesame Street. It gives the parents some time to do household tasks and “educates” the children. The problem with this is that much of the value of preschool comes from interaction with peers and with the teacher, something that’s impossible to do with a video. Even with interactive toys, the “interaction” is scripted and limited. It’s not really preschool on TV, no matter how it’s pitched.

A Vast and Uncontrolled Experiment
Even more disconcerting is the deep connection such programs tend to build with the onscreen characters and children, which is followed by the characters becoming pitchmen for everything from toys to toothbrushes. Children tend to relate with onscreen characters during the learning programs and build a positive relationship with that character, who seems to be heroic and/or loving and/or caring and/or funny. Then, when they interact with that character again, it tends to be in a commercial environment that’s tightly controlled, such as seeing Big Bird toothpaste on the grocery store shelf or Pokemon toys in their fast food restaurant. They want to continue that emotional connection – heroic and/or loving and/or caring and/or funny – but now the emotional connection they desire requires a purchase. Is it any wonder, really, that young children get very upset when their parents say “no” to buying an item depicting their favorite character? Often, it’s not the item they want. They want heroism, love, care, or laughter.

Elmo’s World
Continuing with that train of thought is the idea that a child’s interaction with a particular character (which represents some set of deep emotional connection) is becoming present in more and more forms. It’s not just the show and a toy. There’s clothing. There are ordinary products with the character on it (toothpaste or snacks, for example). There are games. There are books and magazines. There are live shows. The connection is available in many different facets of the child’s life, enabling that emotional connection to continue and, to some degree, deepen. If Elmo represents the fulfillment of some emotional need that your child has, then that same emotional connection (and need for fulfillment) will pop up again and again and again in more and more situations, usually connected to products. It’s not just true for Elmo, either – there are countlesss characters that show up in a diversity of media and consumer products.

The Princess Lifestyle
Such characters are sometimes even tuned to specific “lifestyles” that often have deep connections to product lines from other companies. In this chapter, Thomas focuses on Disney Princesses (which create an impression of a particular type of glamorous lifestyle) and Barbie (another particular flavor of glamorous lifestyle) and how these lines not only connect themselves to many other products that reinforce that lifestyle (princess shampoo!) but also help set the stage for products that the children will want as teenagers (jewelry, makeup, etc.) and even as adults.

Anything to Get Them to Read
Some people advocate using these types of deep emotional connections that the young foster with these characters as a tool to get them to read and to engage in other learning opportunities. If a book about your child’s favorite character convinces them to read, isn’t that a good thing? The problem is that the children often see such books as mere continuations of their relationship with the character, not as a compelling experience on its own. Thomas digs into this phenomenon and shows that such character-specific books often focus little on the literary or educational content and instead focus on protecting and furthering the brand, with hundred-page documents outlining every little detail about the marketed character and almost no attention paid to the plot or values in the book itself.

Developing Character in Preschool
Corporations have even taken this to the point by supplying large amounts of the type of reading and educational material described earlier in the book for free to preschools that are often starved for materials. The packages often include videos, books, and other materials for the kids that do include some degree of educational value but often strive to reinforce or build the connection to a particular character.

A Defense of “Nothing”
So, what can you do? The author’s general recommendations revolve around minimizing or eliminating emotional connections to characters. Minimize television watching – or eliminate it. Buy toys that are open-ended and not based on specific characters. Avoid products that depict such characters. You can’t do these things absolutely without being a hermit, but each choice you make is a step in the right direction.

Is Buy, Buy Baby Worth Reading?
For me, this book really differentiates itself from Born to Buy is that Buy, Buy Baby focuses on an even younger age group than Born to Buy. They’re both very thorough in their research and frightening in their implications and conclusions of how the emotions of young children are tinkered with for the purpose of altering the buying patterns of both them and their parents.

They’re both tremendous books that cover some similar ground. However, I think I’d recommend Born to Buy to parents of children that are already three or four years old (or older), while I’d probably suggest Buy, Buy Baby to the parents of younger children (or parents-to-be). Honestly, I’d probably give either one of them to thoughtful parents as a baby shower gift depending on which one I was able to easily find. They’re both tremendous books that happen to cover a similar topic area.

Check out additional reviews and notes of Buy, Buy Baby on Amazon.com.

My five year old son is saving diligently to own a Nintendo DS Lite video game system. One of his cousins gave him a baggie with several games that would be playable on that system and he’s longing to play them, so he’s been saving.

That system, new, costs $100. We can find reliable used ones with a warranty for $60 (sometimes) or $70 (most of the time).

His allowance – at least, the portion he’s able to use to save for such a purpose – is $2 a week.

Here’s the amazing part. He’s already hit the $35 mark and he’s quietly putting his $2 a week away into a bag for that purchase. That’s several months of not buying anything else with his allowance, with several months yet to go.

A five year old is so focused on a savings goal that he hasn’t spent a dime of his allowance on candy or inexpensive toys in several months.

(At the same time, incidentally, his younger sister, only three, isn’t spending her tiny allowance either, though she doesn’t have an explicit goal. She has about $20 saved up for some future splurge.)

Something’s going right here.

This Sunday (since Sundays are allowance days), we had a conversation about this as allowance money was being handed out. My five year old was putting his money away into his savings pouch when I asked him how he felt the savings was going.

“It’s taking a long time,” he said.

“Have you ever thought about spending it on something else?” I asked him.

He mentioned a few things that he thought about spending his money on.

“But why haven’t you?”

“Because if I buy that stuff then I will never get my DS.”

That’s the heart of saving, right there. If you buy the inexpensive stuff now, you’ll never put the pieces together to get the big thing.

“You know, Mom and I are doing the exact same thing you are. We are saving for a new house.”

He looked at me with big eyes. “Do you guys get an allowance?”

“No, Mom has her job and I have my writing business. We both get paid every so often. We take some money out of that pay and use it to save for the house we want to build. So, what you’re doing with your allowance is pretty much the same as what Mom and Dad do with the money they make at work.”

He sat there for a little bit, then asked me a great question. “Can I do some work to make some more money?”

At this point, I’m trying to devise some tasks that my five year old can pull off that’s useful to the household in some way. I can think of a lot of things that he’s just on the cusp of being able to do (washing towels, loading the dishwasher, etc.) but he still makes little mistakes at them.

Still, the lesson is there. My five year old son understands the connections between earning money, saving, and the big things in life better than many adults that I know.

How did we reach that point? Money is never a taboo topic at our house. The benefits of saving and financial responsibility are a constant topic at our kitchen table, and we as parents try as hard as we can to show good financial responsibility to the children through our own actions.

We also make an open point of every good financial practice we can think of. When I get a new item, it’s usually via a trade or through money I’ve saved. When I read a new book, it’s usually from the library or a used copy I got from somewhere or from the “free” Kindle book selections. We spend time engaged in hobbies that are low cost, like reading or playing those used board games with our friends. We make meals at home. When we have something expensive that we want, we save for it. We plan many of our shopping trips around sales and coupons. None of these factors are hidden in any way from our children. In fact, we talk about it with them quite often.

Our children seem to be absorbing these things and we couldn’t be happier about it.

A few weeks ago, I put out a call on Twitter and on Facebook for detailed posts that people would like to see. I got enough great responses that I’m going to fill the entire month of July – one post per day – addressing these ideas.

On Twitter, Pinco shared this thought: “I love your articles about parenting. People enjoying parenting are hard to find, nowadays.”

I genuinely enjoy the process of parenting. I love teaching them new things. I love molding their behavior from the charming anarchists of toddlerhood into socially stable children. I love reveling in their crazy ideas for play. I love introducing them to new foods and new places and new experiences. I love encouraging them to refine their skills and watching as they try very hard to do just that. I love watching them assert their independence and handle tasks on their own. I even relish the harder tasks, like correction of behavioral problems.

I love all of these things.

At the same time, I don’t think everyone does love all of these things. I don’t think everyone is meant to. I think many people are swept away by a romantic idea of parenthood only to find that such a romantic view doesn’t match the reality of being a parent.

For some, the nonstop nature of parenting becomes a burden. They’re very good parents in bursts, but when it comes to the long slog, they beg for a break from it. Other parents are distracted by other interests. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a child begging for the attention of a parent but that parent is distracted by work or by checking sports scores or by texting. Others have been molded into a state of seriousness by their careers and their earlier life so that it’s hard for them to relate to children. I have witnessed all of these things (possibly within the last week).

If you’re considering becoming a parent, I encourage you not to become a parent unless the following ideas really excite you.

Parenting of a child that will turn out well requires regular focus. That means turning off the cell phone and paying attention, even if what they’re saying or doing doesn’t match your personal interests. That means caring about the castles they’re trying to build out of blocks. That means understanding what the current challenges in their life are, who their friends are, and what they’re struggling with – all the time. If the intricacies of a castle that your five year old built out of blocks sounds much more dull than a night at the club, then stick with a night at the club. I’d rather hear about my daughter’s epic princess castle that she spent an hour building out of magnetic tiles.

It also requires being willing to talk to a young child. By talking, I don’t mean the cutesy “child talk” voice that people constantly get when they’re talking down to a child. I also don’t mean treating your five year old like your drinking buddy. I mean genuine conversation with children, where you listen to what they’re saying and respond to them seriously. My kids eat this up. They feel valued, they feel as though they can tell me what’s going on, and they know that I’m listening and that I care about what’s important to them. Children aren’t incompetents that you need to talk down to, nor are they your drinking buddies. They’re people with feelings and thoughts, and you’re one of the most important people in the world. Put yourself in a five year old’s shoes for a minute and imagine if your parents did nothing but talk child talk to you or else did nothing but treat you like a drinking buddy.

There’s also a requirement that you’re willing to abandon many of the habits of your previous life. I’ve dropped most of my hobbies and shrunk my social circle significantly (though it’s grown a bit as well as we’ve made friends with other parents) since becoming a parent. Guess what? You don’t have time for a lot of the things you used to have time for. At first, parents tend to just sleep less and try to maintain as much of their old life as possible. Eventually, that doesn’t work.

It’s easy for these things to seem like burdens. Here’s the thing, though: they’re only burdens if you don’t like what you’d be replacing these things with.

On an average day before kids came along, I might go golfing with some buddies and out for drinks afterward. I might go out to the movies with my wife. I’d do some extra work in the evening. I might spend four hours laying in bed reading.

On an average day today, I build a giant castle out of blocks. I cut a chicken breast into tiny pieces for easy eating. I listen to a young child wonder why their old friend won’t play with them any more. I bandage a wound. I roll down a hill covered in grass. I change a dirty diaper and listen to a baby make noises and watch him smile as I replace the diaper. At best, I might get an hour to read for personal enjoyment just before bed, but I don’t go golfing and I very very rarely go to movies at this point.

Is that change a positive? For me, it certainly is. For others, it might not be. That’s fine.

The fantasy of parenting sounds appealing to a lot of people. The reality of parenting is fun to a smaller group than that. Make sure you’re in love with the reality and not just the fantasy before you bring a child into the world.

Trust me, the reality can be a lot of fun and very rewarding, too. Even if it involves changing some disturbingly full diapers.

A few weeks ago, I put out a call on Twitter and on Facebook for detailed posts that people would like to see. I got enough great responses that I’m going to fill the entire month of July – one post per day – addressing these ideas.

On Facebook, Edita asks an entertaining question: “which parenting books you found most valuable?”

I’ve read a lot of parenting books over the last several years. I’m quite deeply committed to being the best parent I can be and I want to do everything that I can to raise creative, self-reliant children who blossom into creative, self-reliant adults who feel unafraid to tackle anything that the world throws at them.

Of all of the books I’ve read on parenting, six of them really stand out for me in terms of making me think specifically about approaches and angles on parenting. These books were so profound to me that, in many ways, they also changed my approach to my own life.

The Read-Aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease
I first read this book shortly after my first child was born, expecting to mostly be a primer on reading aloud to children along with some suggested books for each age group. It turned out to be much more than that.

The book recast the simple act of reading to children as a central part of their intellectual development, from teaching them basic verbal skills, basic reading skills, presentation skills, and eventually abstract and creative thinking. Because of those changing needs, your techniques also need to change as your child ages so you can continually challenge them intellectually. It also provides a daily opportunity to sit down and simply relate with and connect with your children.

Not only that, it also (as a secondary theme) carried the idea that reading effectively to children amounts to working on the same skill set that can make you an effective presenter to adults. The same skills – clear speaking, impromptu interactions, expressing complex ideas simply – are at work in reading to children and presenting to adults.

I actually wrote a detailed review of The Read-Aloud Handbook several years ago.

Bringing Up Geeks by Marybeth Hicks
The key realization of this book is that many of the traits that we would like to see in our own children as adults are traits that will make them appear to be a “geek,” particularly while in school. So why not embrace that idea and just go with it? Are you raising someone whose societal and intellectual success will peak in high school or will peak in adulthood?

The book’s central premise is that you should encourage your children to pursue whatever they’re passionate about, even if it’s “different,” and also be ready to help them deal with the inevitable conflicted feelings they’ll have in the culture of adolescent children, where “different” tends to be ridiculed. Encouraging conformity isn’t the answer here. Instead, the answer revolves around techniques for handling those situations effectively.

I honestly wish my parents would have had a copy of this book twenty five years ago. It might have made a profound difference on my middle school and high school years.

NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
I was given this book as a gift a few years ago, shortly after the birth of my second child. The book’s primary focus is on how, in an attempt to nurture our children and make an idyllic childhood for them, we often create adults that aren’t ready to handle the realities and demands of the real world.

The book is broken down into chapters that focus sharply on specific issues. One chapter, for example, focuses on why you shouldn’t over-praise your children and, when you do, you should praise the hard work they put in, not the result. Another chapter focuses on the value of an early bedtime, even one other parents would consider strangely early, because children tend to intellectually thrive when they get plenty of sleep. In other words, using later bedtimes as a reward is going to backfire and eventually cause worse results.

The writing is backed up by a truck load of psychological studies that support the points made, but it’s not particularly dry. Most of the ideas are translated into a very conversational style that makes this book a surprisingly quick read for the number of powerful ideas in it.

Mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck
The idea behind Mindset is that there are two fundamental mindsets that people address the world with.

One is the “fixed” mindset, where someone believes that the person they are is already defined and the outcomes produced by that person are indicative of the person they are. A person with a “fixed” mindset can’t change, in other words.

The other mindset is the “growth” mindset, where people recognize that a failure isn’t necessarily a poor reflection on them. Rather, it’s an opportunity to see where exactly they fall short and what exactly they need to work on and a reminder not of where they cannot go, but an insight as to what they need to do to get there.

Obviously, a “growth” mindset leaves a person more prepared to deal with the ongoing diverse demands of the world, and the focus of Mindset is on how to cultivate that type of perspective not only within your children, but within yourself.

I actually wrote a detailed review of Mindset a few years ago.

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
The premise behind Emotional Intelligence is that we are driven much more by our emotions than we even realize, and that success in many avenues of life come from not only controlling our own emotions, but also understanding how much others are driven by emotion.

Most of the actionable ideas in this book boil down to simple skills that we often fail to practice. Listening to what the other person is saying. Being able to calm yourself down quickly when you’re upset. Giving constructive and non-hurtful feedback. Controlling your short-term desires.

Virtually everyone has problems doing these things, but with practice, all of these things do become much more natural and easy, and with that comes success in many different dimensions of life – even unexpected ones.

The biggest challenge with Emotional Intelligence is that it’s not really written from the perspective of a parent wanting to instill this in their child. Goleman co-wrote a separate volume focusing on this angle, Building Emotional Intelligence, which is sitting in my to-be-read pile as I type this.

Born to Buy by Juliet Schor
Children are inundated with marketing messages from their infancy. It is virtually impossible to raise a child today without them being constantly faced with extremely clever marketing, from the use of toys and collectibles as an element of peer acceptance to the arrangement of packaging on the shelves of a grocery store – and don’t even get me started on television.

Born to Buy focuses on the almost shocking depth of these messages, which can deeply alter the entire worldview of a child if they’re not prepared to handle them. They can easily lead to a distorted value system and an inability to distinguish between wants and needs.

Much of this book focuses on exposing the depth of the messaging, but the latter portion of the book offers some very strong advice for minimizing the impact of media messages on your children. It was very powerful and eye-opening.

I wrote a series of posts covering Born to Buy a few years ago.

I consider these six books essential reading for any parent. If you’re a new or expecting parent, now’s the time to hit your local library or use that gift card you received at the baby shower.

A few weeks ago, I put out a call on Twitter and on Facebook for detailed posts that people would like to see. I got enough great responses that I’m going to fill the entire month of July – one post per day – addressing these ideas.

On Twitter, Robert asked “How about “Family outings that dont cost and arm and a leg” ?”

This is obviously a major goal for our family, too. We have three young children that have a need to explore the world, but many excursions outside of the house are expensive, particularly with five people in tow. Even a simple trip to a movie theater can easily set a family of five back $60 to $100. That’s painful!

Because of that, my wife and I have strived to come up with family outings that won’t cause our budget to explode. Here are some of our most-loved ideas.

State parks
There’s an abundance of state parks within a fifty mile radius of our home. Even within a twenty-five mile radius, there are several such parks. We make an effort to visit all of them, often once a year. We’ll pack a picnic lunch, drive to the park, and explore what’s on offer there. Different state parks offer vastly different things: lakes, forests, prairie land, fishing, hiking, canoeing… they’re all on offer at different state parks. The best part is that most state parks are free for day trips.

Bicycle rides
When we have an hour or two to kill, we’ll go on a bike ride near our house. When we have several hours to kill, we’ll load up our bikes and take them to a bike trail elsewhere. We’ll park in one place, ride the trail a bit in one direction, then ride back. Usually, we’ll stop for a while at this point and have a picnic lunch, then we’ll ride in the other direction for a while, then ride back. The rides are leisurely and there’s a lot of nature observation involved in the process. We don’t ride like we’re Lance Armstrong, just a family leisurely enjoying the day together.

Volunteer experiences
This is something that’s limited due to the youth of our children, but we still find ways to do it. We’ll spend a day or a part of a day involved in a volunteer activity of some sort. Not too long ago, we helped package canvas bags full of food that were to be delivered to shut-ins, then went around and delivered them to those shut-ins. Not only is it a very inexpensive way to spend a day, it also gives our children a chance to see how our actions can positively affect other people.

City passes
This is probably the most expensive option on our list, but it’s a good one. Many cities offer “city passes” which provide entrance to a number of cultural spots around the city over a period of time (a month to a year, usually). This is a great one-time pickup for your family, as it gives you a chance to fill quite a few outings with stops at such places. For a birthday gift, for example, my wife received two adult “city passes” to Seattle for the next time we visit there, since we’ll be visiting family there and will have several days to explore.

Community festivals and fairs
We tend to hit a lot of these on weekends during the summer. They can be expensive if you don’t go to them with a little bit of advance planning. First, we try to hit them during the day so we can see the free activities, demonstrations, and parades that are going on. To avoid the overpriced fair food, we usually pack our own lunch and snacks. These moves turn such an excursion into a fairly low-cost affair for the whole family.

Outdoor games
All you need for this is a park with some open space and maybe a bit of simple equipment, such as a frisbee. Just take over some space and play some games with your family, like simply tossing a frisbee around, playing ultimate frisbee, playing touch football, or anything else that you can think up. We spend a lot of afternoons and evenings doing this, usually accompanied (again) by a picnic meal.

Potlucks and round-robins
If you have other parents in the area that you’re friends with, engage in some meal exchanges with them, either one-on-one or as a larger group. You can either have one family “host” and provide the meal and the location each week, or do it “potluck” so that each family brings something each week. If you plan this with families that have children your age, not only do you get some time to socialize with people with overlapping life experiences (being a parent in that area), but the children have a chance to play with their peers, too.

Cultural events
Always check the community calendar in your area for free cultural events, many of which are happening without your notice. We try to enjoy a diversity of such events, from going to a free classical concert in the park to watching a chess tournament. There are all kinds of things happening in your community if you just take the time to look for them, and almost all of them are perfect for a rich, new experience for you and your children.

Between all of these things, our calendar is as packed as we allow it to be. Simply put, there are more opportunities to do low-cost things than there is time to do them in.

Me, at approximately age two, in the kitchen of the house I grew up in

This past weekend, I was cleaning out a drawer in my office when I came across a stack of photos from my early childhood. My parents, my brothers, and my cousins were constants in these pictures, all looking stunningly young, all of them depicted in that slightly washed out style that thirty year old snapshots take on.

It was the little details, though, that really resonated with me. I’d see my mother in the background of one picture, standing near a large pot on the stove, and I could practically smell chicken and dumplings cooking. A picture of my father standing in rubber hip boots immediately calls to mind the sounds and the aromas of freshly-caught fish. A picture with a cousin or a sibling smiling would bring about the sound of their laughter in my ears.

We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but my childhood was filled with things that were far greater than money.

A sense of security I always felt safe and secure at home. Sure, my parents argued once in a while, but there was never a moment when I doubted my own safety or security at home, and there was never a moment that I doubted that they both loved me. When I needed them, they were always there for me.

Compassion for others My family constantly gave of themselves to help others, particularly my parents. I can’t remember the number of times that people would unexpectedly show up for supper and my mother would find a way to get that person a full plate of food. There wasn’t a summer that went by where my father wasn’t giving away a large chunk of what our garden produced to our friends and family and other people who needed it.

A desire to learn My parents read constantly in front of me and encouraged me to do the same. They also constantly reinforced the value of learning new things and my father was always discussing the events of the day with me. I was raised to learn and to know things.

An entrepreneurial and self-sufficient bent My father ran several small side businesses, particularly small-scale commercial fishing and gardening to sell excess produce, as well as providing plenty of fish and vegetables for ourselves. He channeled a lot of his spare time into this and often recruited his children (and others) to help as well. I particularly enjoyed the gardening aspect of it and fondly remember taking charge of watering the gardens.

A strong sense of community and family There were seemingly always people at our house beyond our immediate family. Socializing and a sense of community were constants during my childhood.

All of these elements are things that shaped me deeply as a person, and they’re elements that I want to provide for my own children. What was missing, though?

Channels for learning Beyond reading, the channels for learning often felt narrow. Many of the things I wanted to learn about required some significant startup cost, such as learning a musical instrument. As I mentioned, there was not much money to be had when I was growing up. Even beyond this, my parents were often uncertain as to how to channel things beyond taking me to the library and giving me books as gifts.

Understanding of money Basic money lessons were something else that I missed out on in my childhood. From my perspective, it often felt as though there was barely enough money to get by, except that my parents would have occasional windfalls. During those windfalls, we’d splurge on things – that’s how I wound up with a Nintendo and quite a few games with it – but at other times, there was a sense of not having enough. Money felt chaotic to me and I had a sense that when you had money, you needed to spend it soon.

My youngest son, approximately eight months, delighting in an opportunity to play with a wristwatch

Today, I find myself in the shoes of the parent, with three children looking to me for guidance. How can I address the seven concerns I see above?

A sense of security We need to provide a stable home for our children, and the best way to do that is to constantly work on our marriage. If my relationship with my wife is strong, the foundation of our family is strong, too. Another key point in this equation is to spend time individually with each child, as well as collectively with them, so they have security in their relationship with their parents and feel limited jealousy toward their siblings.

Compassion for others Lead by example. Give to charity, and involve our children in that process. Respect people and care for them regardless of their religion, sexual preference, race, disability, or anything else. Luckily, we have opportunities in our life for our children to meet people of other religions, races, and lifestyles and see that they’re normal people who have ups and downs, joys and sorrows, talents and weaknesses, just like everyone else.

A desire to learn This one comes naturally, as my wife and I are both voracious readers and voracious debaters of the issues of the day. We are starting to strongly engage our two oldest children in these debates, and they’re both picking up reading as well.

An entrepreneurial and self-sufficient bent I run my own business. Almost all of the parents of my children’s friends are employed by others, but they have an example of entrepreneurship at home. We also try to do a lot of things ourselves in front of the children, like making soap and laundry detergent, growing our own food, repairing the toilet, and so on.

A strong sense of community and family This is perhaps our weakest area, and it’s the one we actively work on the most. We have a circle of friends that we interact with often and we know many more people in the community on a more casual basis. We participate in a number of community activities and we strive to use community resources as much as we can (by going to the park, participating in youth sports leagues, and so on).

Channels for learning We have a savings account set apart for this, so that we can channel whatever growing passions for learning our children have. On top of that, we try to create educational experiences all the time that allow them to dabble in different areas, from art to paleontology.

Understanding of money We have an allowance system in place. Beyond that, we’ve started to discuss the concept of bills and income to our oldest child on a conceptual basis. I write about personal finance, of course, so this is something that’s a pretty regular topic for us.

Here’s the thing to note, though. Most of the stuff I mention above doesn’t cost money. Instead, it takes time.

Time is the deepest cost of parenting. The ability to do all of these things, to make sure as many doors are open as possible for your child, takes a lot of time.

Many parents are willing to step up to the plate when it comes to money, but the investment children really need is time.

Simply put, children are far better off if you work a minimum wage job and can spend a few hours with them a day than if you work a high-paying job and are constantly absent from their lives. Sure, you might be able to buy them expensive toys and take them on great vacations, but that’s not when they need you. They don’t need your stuff and they don’t need a ton of you one day and an absence of you for a long period. They need you steadily as they grow, because these lessons don’t take root overnight.

Almost all of the things I named above require no money or very little money. Instead, they require some planning and some time investment.

If I learned one lesson from my childhood, it’s that good parenting is about time, not about money. I try to apply that every day of my own parenting journey.