All of us want to be socially accepted. We want to have people respect and like us in the community and we also want to avoid easy criticism.
For many of us, the solution to that challenge is to “project.” We spend time thinking about how we appear to others and then look for ways to improve that appearance. That appearance may or may not have any real connection to the person we are – it doesn’t really matter. The goal is to project an impressive image to others.
People do that in a lot of ways. They want a shiny car that will impress others. They wear expensive clothes. They spend a lot of time and money on the perfect makeup. They’ll have the most impressive new gadget in their pocket.
With all of this, how can others not be impressed?
The truth is that they probably won’t be impressed too much, no matter what you do. It’s called the “spotlight effect“:
The spotlight effect is a common form of social anxiety that causes people to have a tendency to overestimate the extent to which surrounding others notice aspects of one’s appearance or behavior, and the extent to which they are aware of it. The spotlight effect can lead people to feelings of paranoia and self-doubt. This also makes people believe that they will be judged harshly based on their failures. Overall, the spotlight effect explains how people overestimate the amount of attention that is focused on them in group settings.
In other words, people constantly overestimate how much other people notice or think about their appearance and behavior. There are a number of reasons for that, but the biggest reason is that most people are far more focused on themselves than others. Even when you attract negative attention, it’s usually as a result of the other person focusing more on themselves (wanting to puff themselves up or cover their inadequacies) than anything about you.
When you get tied up in projection, you are drastically overextending how much others will notice your appearance and your behavior. As long as you’re clean and reasonably polite, others simply won’t notice you very much.
The only real benefit of projection is the increase in internal confidence. For some, putting up an appearance makes them feel more confident in their interactions with others.
The catch here is that you’re basically using visualization to build self-confidence. If you’re relying on the image you project to build your confidence, you’re relying on visualization. You can do that same visualization – picturing yourself succeeding in the professional and personal interactions in your future – without spending a lot of money and time on projection.
I used to rely on having the latest gadgets and dressing really nice for presentations in order to “project” some sort of image of success. I really believed that this projection would help me succeed at that presentation.
When the tables were turned, though, I noticed that unless the person looked like they hadn’t bathed in a week, I really didn’t care about how they were dressed. As long as the presentation worked, I usually didn’t notice their technology at all. What made the interaction work or fail was the material they presented and how they presented it.
A few years later, the single best presentation I ever gave in my life was given while I was wearing a t-shirt and drawing doodles on the back of business cards. I wasn’t exactly “projecting success” there, but that presentation led (indirectly) to a book deal.
Why? The person I presented to didn’t really notice what I was wearing or the low-tech method of my presentation. Instead, the person was interested in the content (which could actually affect or help them in some way). That mattered far more than anything else.
The truth is that most of the time, most of the people you interact with are far more preoccupied with themselves than with you. They’re worried about their own internal worries. They’re caught in their own internal thoughts. They’re stuck on their own issues. Most of the time, you’re only really relevant if you can help them in some way.
So why not be helpful?
My suggestion for success? Make yourself clean and presentable, but instead of dumping money and time into projecting an “image of success,” spend most of that time actually building up your knowledge and skills and a little of the time visualizing successful interactions in your head. Don’t shop for a shiny car – build some skills. Don’t spend an extra hour getting ready in the morning – review your materials and visualize a successful meeting or a successful work routine.
Take advantage of the spotlight effect. It’s not shining on you. Most people see the spotlight on themselves, so use that. Visualize great interactions and use your honed skills and ideas, as those things can actually have a positive effect on the other person, whereas the clothes you’re wearing usually won’t.
Not only will it save you a bunch of money and some time, too, it will also lead to a lot more success in your personal and professional life.